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“I” Is Selfish

April 9, 2013 in Family and Parenting, Leadership and Growth, Marriage and Relationships with

For some reason the past couple of months I haven’t been able to shake thoughts about selfishness and greed, so I’m gonna get some of these thoughts out in the open in case they somehow offer perspective someone needs to read.

We all have a selfish nature.  It can take a very intentional effort to not let that selfish nature define who we are and how we interact or relate to others.  It gets on my nerves to hear people use the word “I” so much – especially when they begin every sentence with it.  Using the word I so much is a sign of selfishness.  Just listen to how it sounds.  “I did…”, “I got…”, “I have…”, “I accomplished…”, “I earned…”, and in summary “I am awesome in my own not so humble opinion”.  That’s basically how some people sound to me, and it’s just ridiculous.

A business communication class in college taught me to avoid using “I” so much, particularly as the first word in a sentence – probably because it sounds so self-centered.  My parents had a very good one-line tough-love statement they used to teach me about selfishness.  Any time I would selfishly fight to get my way my parents would simply remind me, “The world doesn’t revolve around you son.”  Now I find myself using that line sometimes with my own children.  It’s a very good lesson!

This general use of selfish language and mentality might be the problem in a lot of our relationships and marriages.  Our friends might be annoyed by our constant focus on ourself, particularly through how we speak “I” constantly.  There might be a communication disconnect between spouses that neither is even aware of, and it could be because one or both are constantly using the word “I” and “me”.  Just think about that for a second.  In the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman one of the love languages is words of affirmation.  It’s kinda hard to be affirming to someone else with words when all we ever talk about is “I” and “me”.

Try this:

  1. Take the focus off yourself for two seconds and think about someone else. I mean really THINK about them.
  2. Now think of a sentence that starts with “you” and ends with something good to say about that person.
  3. Now look at them and say the sentence you’re thinking.  Yes – say it out loud.

Doesn’t that feel nice?

Keep It Real

February 26, 2013 in Faith and Church, Leadership and Growth with

Over the last several years I’ve adopted and continue to develop what I consider to be one of the greatest core values I’ve ever applied to my life – Keep It Real.  It’s pretty self explanatory – just be real, and I’m working on it and expecting it from others more and more all the time.

The reason that is so important to me now is I’ve grown to realize that being fake and playing games is not God’s best for us or those around us.  We’re supposed to share each others burdens and seek wisdom from others around us, but all too often we put on a front as though everything is ok in our life and we certainly don’t look to others as much as we should for advice (because that’s the same as admitting we don’t know everything).  Then there’s my most favorite type of game-playing where status or authority are used to manipulate others in a way that is somehow supposed to provide some form of superiority or advantage…  We all can only hope such ridiculousness is short lived and causes minimal pain before those of us who act this way realize where we’re wrong.

Many have heard me tell how Shawna and I weren’t keeping it real about how broke we were financially until it was a mess we couldn’t control.  We would be really vague with our statements, saying things such as, “Y’all can pray for us because things are tight right now”, when the reality of the situation was we were BROKE!  I believe God had us go through the humiliating experience of having foreclosure paperwork delivered to our house while all our church friends were there to completely break our pride.

We all do it.  Someone asks, “How are you?”, and the response is “fine” or “great” or maybe something like “blessed” or everyone’s new Dave Ramsey favorite “better than I deserve”.  I love Dave Ramsey but that phrase is often used as just another mask for what people really want to say, which is “my life sucks right now because of ____ and I need someone to pray for me and offer me advice”.

Don’t get me wrong I’m all for focusing on the positive and being thankful in all things and acknowledging that we truly are blessed just to have life, but sometimes, especially in the company of people we share life with, we SHOULD be putting our prideful disguises aside and just KEEP IT REAL!

Truth About Confidence

September 21, 2012 in I Was Broke. Now I'm Not, Leadership and Growth with

I recently saw someone wearing this t-shirt, and the caption says – “Confidence is the feeling you have before you fully understand the situation.”

That statement is so true when you really think about it.  For years when I was broke I ran around over-confident in my ability to produce enough income to keep up with poor financial decision making.  It wasn’t working.  I didn’t understand.  Clearly my feelings of confidence were greater than my understanding of the situation I was in.  I WAS BROKE!  Flat broke.  Paycheck to paycheck until I eventually was unable to pay all the bills.

It is so easy to find ourselves in that type of scenario if we refuse to stop and really consider the risk we’re taking when we sign up for debt, over-burden our expected income, and just plain have no margin.

Have you ever come to the realization that you’ve been making over-confident decisions?  What did you do about it, or what ARE you doing about it?

Fat Boy Chronicles

July 25, 2012 in I Was Broke. Now I'm Not, Leadership and Growth with

If you’ve been using Netflix Streaming for any amount of time you know what it’s like to come across a movie that looks interesting but turns out to have terrible acting, terrible plot, or terrible production quality. I recently cancelled cable so it feels like I’m experiencing the terrible options on Netflix streaming more and more, but I’m glad I kept watching Fat Boy Chronicles despite the terrible acting.

The movie is based on a true story of a fat freshman who is smart but fat, likes a cute girl, but gets picked on constantly because he’s fat. Here are three things I love about the story:

  • 1. The kid had an IHHE moment. You could slowly but surely see it coming, and then it happened. The I HAVE HAD ENOUGH moment. The kid was ticked. He was not going to eat the same ole junk food any more and he put a plan in place to exercise.
  • 2. The kid pursued the girl. Little did the fat kid know the girl he liked also had issues. He liked her for who she was rather than what she was going through and he pursued her. He invited her to church. He pressed in to have difficult conversations with her.
  • 3. The kid faced adversity. By the end of the movie all the immature morons had reason to respect the fat freshman. He had helped them. He had helped himself. He had won the girl. Who couldn’t respect a kid who faced so many challenges and overcame them all in such a positive way…

    • Sometimes we have to have a true IHHE moment to motivate us to fight through the situations and circumstances we face so that we can accomplish the things we want to accomplish, and we just might help others in the process. I love that message! If you can handle the terrible acting I recommend this movie, otherwise just take my word for it – the story is good.

    Boastful Pride

    July 17, 2012 in Business, I Was Broke. Now I'm Not, Leadership and Growth with

    Sometimes those of us who are working hard to win with money get so excited about what God is doing in our life we are genuinely overflowing with joy.  But sometimes we notice those around us are not so enthusiastic about our success as we’d hoped they’d be.  It could be that they’re jealous, but it could also be that our genuine excitement is overflowing in a way that is perceived as less than Godly.

    Consider the following statements that someone winning with money could say and notice the difference between the first one and the second one in each pair of statements:

    I’m blessed.
    I’ve never had more money in the bank.

    Debt freedom is worth every sacrifice.
    I own this and that and I’m looking to buy that over there.

    God has given me the resources to bless others.
    My business is growing so fast I’ve hired employees to handle everything.

    Do you see how the second statement in each pair could easily be taken as prideful or arrogant, especially in certain settings or situations?  Notice the prideful statements are all longer than the more modest alternatives.  That could be a sign to those who just need to shut up and say less.  Sometimes less is more.

    I know many families that have had amazing financial success in their life.  They have truly been blessed and there is a lot to learn from all of the hard work and sacrifice that seems to be common among them all.  But one of those families stands out like a sore thumb among the rest because of how they’ve handled the success.  I have to believe deep down inside they remember their humble beginning and I have to believe their hearts are right.  But I can’t help but wonder what they’re thinking when they host parties or events at their beautiful home and the highlight of their hospitality is the tour they give to spotlight all the awesome features of the house.

    Why do they do that?  Are they just that naive about how weird that is?  Maybe they’ve allowed pride to creep in and they want to show off so much that as soon as someone arrives a new tour begins.  It just seems the attitude about their success is so different than others with similar success.  None of my other wealthy friends or acquaintances have ever done house tours, unless asked of course.  It certainly wasn’t the main event except for this one place – and it’s every time you go there.

    I’ve challenged myself – am I envious of what they have?  Not so much.  I don’t really want anything they have.  Anytime I notice someone else not so happy about my success I think of what I might have said or done that might have given them a poor perception, or I wonder if they’re envious.  It’s easy for us to never challenge our own attitudes and actions by simply dismissing everyone else as jealous (this screams prideful).  The old saying “perception is reality” is quite often literally true and we should keep ourselves in check.

    This is something I sometimes feel self conscious about (not that I’ve arrived at some prestigious level of success or anything, but I’ve learned a lot about how to win with money and pray for continued blessings).  I want my excitement for winning with money to encourage others, even challenge others sometimes, but I don’t want that excitement or inspiration to get lost in translation by being prideful – with words, attitudes, or actions.

    Is this something you think about too?  How do you keep pride in check?

    Why Compare?

    January 31, 2012 in Faith and Church, Family and Parenting, Leadership and Growth, Marriage and Relationships with

    Have you ever heard anyone making these statements?

    • I work as hard as anyone I know.
    • I’m as good a husband/wife as anyone I know.
    • I’m as good a father/mother as anyone I know.
    • I go to church and serve as much as anyone I know.

    Do you ever catch YOURSELF making such statements?  Not out loud, I hope, but  maybe in your head.  It can be so easy to compare ourselves to everyone else around us, focusing on how we compare to others in order to justify how good we are, at least in our own mind.

    I know – things are tough at work, the pressure is on, so that’s why “I work as hard as anyone I know” becomes an inner-defense.  I know – your spouse was nagging about an expectation you’re not meeting so “I’m as good a husband/wife as anyone I know” is what you somehow want to make them realize.  Kids are so naive and don’t understand just how good a parent you are.  Surely the church staff sees how much you’re there contributing to the ministry and should thank you from stage at special events.

    My challenge to all of us today is why compare?  Why look at how our performance compares to that of others?  How does that help us be the best spouse or parent we can be?  How does that help us become closer to God and live out his purpose for our life?

    Are You Listening To…

    December 20, 2011 in I Was Broke. Now I'm Not, Leadership and Growth, Marriage and Relationships with

    This sucks.  You’re broke.  You can’t do anything fun.  It’s all their fault.  If you hadn’t married them you’d have plenty of money to do whatever you want.  You two haven’t even talked about money for months because all they ever care about is what they want.  Who do they think they are?  You work just as hard as they do.  

    You should just leave.  Who cares what your family or friends think.  You deserve to be happy.  Don’t even worry about how it affects anyone else – they’ll get over it.  It isn’t going to affect them nearly as badly as it’s affecting you.  Get out now while you still have some time to enjoy your life.  

    …the voice in your head?

    Thanksgiving 2011

    November 22, 2011 in Faith and Church, Family and Parenting, Health and Fitness, I Was Broke. Now I'm Not, Leadership and Growth, Marriage and Relationships with

    Other than the most important thanks I give every year for God’s mercy, My Wife, Family, Friends, Health, and Wealth, here are some particular financial-related things I’m thankful for this this year at Thanksgiving:

    • We got debt free this year (except for the house)
    • Savings in the bank
    • Promise – that God will provide
    What do you have to be thankful for?

    Gabby Giffords & Mark Kelly

    November 15, 2011 in Faith and Church, Leadership and Growth, Marriage and Relationships with

    The story of the miraculous recovery of congress woman Gabrielle Giffords was told last night on TV. January 8, 2011 she was shot in the head with little chance of surviving but she is once again full of life.  The story fascinates me not only because of the miraculous recovery but because of the relationship between her and her husband Mark Kelly. Truly amazing.

    Here are the things that stood out most to me as I watched the story:

    Faith – Mark videod the recovery because he expected it was going to happen.

    Failure is not an option – Mark set goals for Gabby to challenge her natural drive and he was there every step of the way.  He told her things like “You have not been beaten, you’ve just been beat up.”

    Positive attitude – Mark put up a sign outside the room telling everyone “no crying” and another one to himself to remind him to take a deep breath and stay focused before he entered the room.

    Unity – Mark was united with Gabby’s mother and they shared their hope and all the efforts toward recovery.

    The sky is not the limit.  Mark is an astronaut and that is one of their mottos.  Both Mark and Gabby are aiming for what seems like impossible goals. We just have to believe it’s possible.

    Tough as nails.  When asked to describe Mark the words Gabby used were “tough as nails”.  He feels the same about her.  Their love for each other is sp obvious and strong, tough as nails…  We all can be inspired and encouraged by their story and example of how marriage should bedding better or worse.

     

     

    Greenville Mud Run and Some Life Lessons

    November 14, 2011 in Health and Fitness, I Was Broke. Now I'm Not, Leadership and Growth, Marriage and Relationships, Misc, Stories with

    Several weeks ago I had the privilege of torturing myself through a 3.5 mile and 35 obstacle US Marine style course called the Goodwill Mud Run.  It was a blast considering the cuts and pains, the fact that I was not in shape for it, and the mud in places I didn’t know mud could go.

    As I look back on that experience I’m reminded of a few financial relationship principles we need to keep in mind:

    Sometimes It Ain’t Pretty

    The crazy thing for me about the mud run is the obstacles weren’t the hard part.  I was fine as long as we were on an obstacle.  I can push right through that sort of exertion.  It wasn’t the cuts and pains or even the mud that made it difficult for me (although I did get about a gallon of it in my mouth on the very first mud-hole).  Where I struggled the most was during the running from one obstacle to the next.

    I hate running for the sake of running, so I just don’t do it enough.  There’s really only two things that effectively motivate me to run – Shawna (when she is running), and playing ball (usually basketball).  When it comes to the constant and steady pounding of the leg muscles for running long distance, I suck.

    Needless to say running 3.5 miles with zero training before the event was not pretty for me.  It didn’t matter that I had mud in my bleeding cuts and every time I spit there was as much mud as saliva.  I felt like my lungs were refusing to absorb oxygen in protest of what I was putting my body through.  My chest had that awful cold feeling you get after running hard in cool weather for about four days after the event.  It was terrible.

    Sometimes working through life’s challenges is going to be ugly and we’re going to have to do things we don’t like to do because it is necessary to reach the goal.

    Finishing The Race Eventually is Better Than Not Finishing At All

    The Mud Run is very much like a Marine training course.  They even have real Marines in uniform out there yelling at you all through the course.  I don’t know the background on the Mud Run, but I guess in the spirit of the Marine way you don’t run this race as individuals – you do it in teams.

    My team was awesome.  I was not.  My friend organized the team and must have either thought I was in better shape or he wanted to get me in better shape – all at once.

    I was the slowest runner on the team.  What little ground I was able to make up by going through the obstacles faster than my teammates was quickly lost by running so much slower than them from one obstacle to the next.  I tried my best to keep up but about halfway through I realized if I didn’t slow down to a pace I could sustain my legs might give out, I might hurl, or worse (my family has history of heart issues and I already have the cholesterol).

    It didn’t feel good knowing that I couldn’t get there faster.  I could have pushed it and might have been fine, but I had reached a level of pain that was as far as I wanted to go.  It felt like as much as I could bear at the time.

    Sometimes we need to push ourselves harder, but sometimes we need to accept that reaching a goal is going to take longer than we want it to.  It’s better to get there eventually than to not get there at all.

    Finish The Race Together

    My three teammates knew we had to finish the race together, and they were very good sportsman to me – the team anchor (not in the good sense – like I was an anchor they were having to drag :-) ).  They challenged me to push myself and they encouraged me to keep going.  That helped me more than they know.  If it wasn’t for them I might still be out there meandering my way through the course and asking myself “Why am I doing this?”.

    Surprisingly enough my friend who invited me to be on the team asked me to do it again in the Spring.  That is either true muv (man-love) or he doesn’t know anyone else dumb enough to say yes.  I accepted the challenge and promised I will be in better shape for it next time (maybe a lighter anchor).

    It matters that we have accountability in our lives.  It matters that we have support around us.  It matters for whatever goal is in front of you now and whatever the next goal is after that.

    Work through the ugly stuff, make steady progress toward the eventual goal, and finish together.

    Question:  Have you ever participated in a mud run or other race and had a similar experience as me?  Will you hold me accountable to getting in better shape for next time?

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