There’s this saying I’ve borrowed many times that goes like this, “Marriage is grand, but divorce is a hundred grand.”  Well, I’m sad to come to the realization that statement not really true.

I’ve always been under the impression that by the time you go through the legal process, divide up everything, and pay any alimony or child support that might be involved that divorce would cost many thousands of dollars.  But billboards along the highway have now educated me differently.  Several months ago I saw one that advertised divorce for like $299.  It was in a very small country town so my initial thought seriously was that’s either a broke lawyer or dumb lawyer that for whatever reason chose to be a lawyer here rather than somewhere with more people.

But then just the other day I saw another billboard that advertised divorce for $499 with an added keyword in the message – “uncontested”.  Now it all began to make sense to me.  Couples are filing for divorce and as long as it is uncontested the lawyers can just churn through them at a rate that justifies paying for large billboards (not cheap) to advertise those cheap prices.

A few years ago I read an article about how couples were holding off filing for divorce because they either couldn’t afford it while the economy was bad or because they were waiting for the value of their assets to bounce back so that they’d be worth more in divorce.  I suppose now that housing is on the rise again and the stock market is moving up again that couples are making their move and calling it quits thus increasing demand for divorce lawyers.

So, if you’re tracking what all I’ve said so far here are…

Three Divorce Business Dynamics Destroying The Institution of Marriage

1. Demand for divorce seems to be increasing.
2. Lawyers are conducting divorces for very cheap, even incentivizing couples for making it easy.
3. Couples are just giving up, not contesting, not fighting for their marriage.

What is going on?  Why aren’t couples fighting to save their marriage?  Why are lawyers willing to take such low fees for divorce filing?  Please lawyers – I’m ok with the cost of divorce being very high.  Please raise it!  There will still be some divorce cases and fewer cases will actually make the job easier, and if the fee is high enough it will offset the lost opportunity of all the cases that will become saved marriages.  There will still be a way to become the stereotypical dirty and greedy lawyer, just without taking down so many peoples lives in the process.  Try being the “good” lawyer that gives people an incentive to save their marriage.

Fight people!  Marriage is not something you just pay a few hundred bucks to dispose of.  Why don’t couples spend a few hundred bucks on counseling first?  In fact, I bet most people know someone that loves them enough and wants them to save their marriage that they will pay for the $499 divorce if the couple will try $499 for counseling first.  Try something, try ANYTHING before going down to the nearest drive through divorce lawyer.

Please DON’T GIVE UP!  Marriage is worth fighting for.

Have you ever faced this challenge?  You get to the end of the month and there is a budget category or two that didn’t get all spent.  That’s a good challenge to have because it means there is actually money left over at the end of the month.

Keep in mind I’m a saver so my biased opinion is to put extra money towards a savings goal or debt payment.  If you don’t have an emergency fund in place that’s probably the best thing you could do with any extra money, but that’s the saver in me talking.  If all the debt is payed off except the house then I might even do something crazy like put extra towards the house payment.  Those are saver-minded ideas.

The spenders are revolting as they read those ideas.  They want to spend it on something, anything other than holding it in an account or putting it towards debt that could always wait another month to get paid down (the procrastispender – I just made that up – trademark).  They would rather blow it all at a single expensive restaurant than see it put behind bars in a bank.

See how this could cause a problem?  Everyone is going to choose a little differently what they do with any budgeted funds that are not yet spent at the end of the month.

Shawna and I did the dining out thing with leftover funds for a while, as long as it wasn’t a ridiculous amount of money.  One couple we know actually started transferring the extra discretionary funds into a separate account for the spender to do whatever they want with it.  Another approach might be to roll the extra funds into the next month to spend more on whatever the particular budget category is the following month (this is still a lot like saving but might be a good compromise for discretionary categories).  Maybe you have a shared plan, hope, or dream that can be contributed to with the extra funds (like a giving goal or a Disney Vacation).

Whatever you choose to do with the extra I would challenge you to consider whether or not adjustments are needed in the budget.  If the extra funds are from a fixed category then that needs to be adjusted on the budget.  If the extra funds are from a discretionary category challenge yourselves to reduce that category to what you really intend to spend.

How do you manage extra money at the end of a budget?

Arguing is a great skill to have… if you’re a lawyer.  I’m told that my Papa (grandpa on Mom’s side) was on track to become a lawyer until he met Grandma, fell in love, and went the family route.  I bet Papa could argue a pretty strong case .  When he was passionate about something he spoke so strongly and with so much conviction about it.  Some of those arguing abilities might have made it down to me.  I was on track to become President before I met Shawna, fell in love, and chose the family route.  President of what, I don’t know.  But I’m sure it would have been something amazing.

The difference between arguments in marriage and arguments in court is there is no jury or judge, so you’re like a defendant making your case to the plaintiff and hoping they change their mind about wanting to throw you in jail.  You’ve already lost before you began because if they were going to agree with you there wouldn’t be anything to argue.  So emotions escalate along with vocal volume and tears until one or both of you are hurt and angry.

So what can you do to resolve money related conflicts (or any conflict in marriage for that matter)?

Listen

Shut mouth and open ears.  Even the best defense lawyers have to listen to opposing statements in order to understand where the opposing counsel is going with the case.  Too often when conflict arises we jump to defense mode thinking that our spouse is now the opposing counsel and we have to strengthen our case to defeat them.  How about this idea – our spouse is not the enemy.  They are our partner – on the same team.  They are guilty as charged of whatever point of view they have that is in opposition to our own.  Now we have to find a way to work with it.

Work Towards Compromise

When we accept that we’re on the same team with no case to win the only option is to accept a plea bargain – together.  The plea bargain must be something that benefits both spouses.  One spouse wants to save for X while the other wants to spend on Y & Z.  Why can’t you do both?  Usually we think we can’t do both because we’re impatient and working towards both goals at the same time will take longer.  Why isn’t that ok?

I’d rather accept a plea bargain with my spouse any day than end up on opposite sides of the courtroom against my spouse – fighting a real legal battle that in the end no one comes out a winner.  How about you?

Warning to all the single ladies.  I just heard a couple of single guys talking negatively about getting married saying that all you’re really doing is combining debt.  Wow – what a great perspective.  While that might be true, many couples are starting out on the wrong foot with their debt load, it shouldn’t be a prevailing purpose for the context of starting a marriage.

If I could sit down with every single person before they get in to a serious relationship my advice for both the guys and girls would be WORK, GET OUT OF DEBT, GET YOUR SPENDING UNDER CONTROL, AND DEVELOP THE DISCIPLINE OF SAVING.  Then my next piece of advice would be to take notice of how generous any potential spouse is, because if they’re not generous as a single person chances are they won’t be generous in the marriage.

At least those guys are aware of the fact that money will cause issues in the marriage, but I hope they get in a better position and learn a better perspective before saying “I Do”.

One of the common questions or concerns we get is what should one do when their spouse won’t participate in the budgeting process.  That’s a great question.  Here’s a 4-step starting point:

1. You budget what you can control.  Make sure there’s a plan that includes giving, saving, and wise spending (with some fun).  Make sure the bills are getting paid (hopefully on time).  Make it obvious that you’re doing it.  Print it out, put it on the fridge, start talking to your friends about it.

2. You don’t nag them about it.  Do not give them a hard time because they’re not participating.  Do not talk about them to your friends.  Especially do not talk down to them or about them to anyone else while they are present.  That is soooo disrespectful.

3. You sacrifice even when they don’t.  Sacrifice something you enjoy so that the plan will work.  Sacrifice something you enjoy so that they can keep something that they enjoy.  Even when they don’t reciprocate such sacrifice, you do it anyway.

4. You show them results.  Show them the savings you’re accomplishing by having a plan.  Show them the progress you’re making toward paying down debt.  Show them the freedom you can experience by having a plan that includes fun stuff rather than letting unplanned stuff ruin your fun.

Do those things and you just might be surprised when your spouse has a change of heart and starts to show interest in what you’re doing.

What else might you add to this list?

Normally I’m one of those long-term relationship kind of guys.  Even in high school if I dated someone I typically was going for a long lasting and meaningful relationship (which is apparently not normal and shouldn’t even be anywhere near the radar of a high school age person – in my opinion).  But that sense of commitment is one of the many reasons I believe my marriage will last forever.  Shawna and I are committed people.

When it comes to other forms of loyalty I’ve had to learn to keep my sense of commitment in proper perspective.  Like my first mortgage company – Chase Home Finance.  They gave us a mortgage and helped us re-do our mortgage when we were in financial trouble.  But when it came time to re-finance they didn’t give us the time of day, so I had to leave – after all we had been through together.

My most recent disappointment is with Wells Fargo (formerly Wachovia).  I opened my first checking account at Wachovia when I was 14 years old – that was 20 Years Ago!  We’ve been through a lot together.  The only car I ever financed was at Wachovia.  I’ve had checking accounts, savings accounts, credit accounts, and even overdraft accounts at Wachovia over the years.  We always had such a great relationship.

Then Wells Fargo came along.  They treated me like a number, closed my overdraft protection account simply because of my recovering credit score (we were broke at one time, now we’re not), ignoring the fact that we had not needed that credit for years, that we weren’t broke anymore, and that we were putting a lot of money in their bank every month.  Then they started charging fee after fee after fee with ridiculous expectations, as though they wanted to have an exclusive relationship with me (their fees scream “bank only with us or we’ll charge you to death, but we’re not going to give you anything for banking only with us”).  Even I don’t go for pushy or one sided relationships – sense of commitment or not.

So I called Wells Fargo.  As expected they were not willing to waive the fees without expecting me to be more committed to them than they would be to me (wanting me to use my debit card a bunch of times per month so they can earn transaction fees etc).  The guy on the phone was powerless to make any kind of decision to preserve our relationship.  I told him it was ashamed I had to end a 20 year relationship (he sounded not much older than 20 so I’m sure he understood).  At least he wasn’t rude, and I had made it easy by already transferring all the balances.  After 20 years – I closed my accounts.

Do you know anyone who after years and years of marriage they have called it quits?  Does my story with banks describe some of the stories you’ve heard about divorce?  Does any of that hit close to home in your own marriage?  It doesn’t have to be that way.  Don’t act like Wells Fargo.  Marriage isn’t a one sided relationship.  You can’t just take take take for your own personal benefit and never add any value to your spouse or the relationship.  Even if you feel like the one has gives gives gives while your spouse takes takes takes – what have you done to address the issue maturely and productively?  Are you working together to win with money AND marriage?  What do you need to do to keep your marriage account open and healthy?

(I am in no way suggesting money is ever a proper reason for divorce and will never ever suggest such a thing.  I’m merely relating to the hard truth that it IS a reason many choose to divorce and it shouldn’t be that way.)