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Part 4: My Parent’s 40th Anniversary

August 4, 2011 in Faith and Church, Family and Parenting, I Was Broke. Now I'm Not, Leadership and Growth, Marriage and Relationships, My Parents 40th, Series, Stories with

For my parents 40th wedding anniversary I did a little interview and I’m sharing their wisdom. If you missed the first three parts you can read them here:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

How did having kids affect things?

We wanted kids. We were so glad to have kids. It did change everything though. The biggest change was being involved in all the activities you kids participated in. But it also strengthened our marriage because there was a greater love than just the two of us. We HAD to work together just to keep up.

Would you do it all over again?

We would do it all over again but just do some things differently. There would be more emphasis on family and our marriage instead of so much emphasis on the church. Wish we had made better long range plans. Wish we had used vacation for fun instead of visiting family. We’ve been blessed and we’re thankful. In order to make it to 50 yrs we’re gonna take better care of our health and take it one day at a time. But we don’t live with any regrets and would do it all again.

Sometimes I wonder if the difficulty of having kids is just us or our generation. So it’s a little reassuring to know that even for our parents having kids was a challenge. I like John Maxwell’s quote that having grandchildren is the reward for not killing your children. My parents probably agree with that completely. Having kids is definitely a blessing we are very thankful for and I pray all the time that I become a better dad.

My parents gave Shawna and me a huge compliment about doing a good job balancing family, work, and church involvement. That is something we struggle with from time to time in order to keep on track. We’re making plans for our next family vacation and it gives us something to look forward to through the day to day hustle.

Shawna and I have only been married almost 11 years and we agree with my parents comment after their 40 years about doing it all again but doing some things differently. We’ve all made mistakes we would take back but I when I’m older I want to be able to say I don’t have any regrets. I believe that comes from having peace that God is guiding our lives along a path and everything is happening for a reason.

Part 3: My Parent’s 40th Anniversary

August 3, 2011 in Faith and Church, Family and Parenting, I Was Broke. Now I'm Not, Leadership and Growth, Marriage and Relationships, My Parents 40th, Series, Stories with

For my parents 40th wedding anniversary I did a little interview and I’m sharing their wisdom. If you missed it you can click here to read Part 1 or click here to read Part 2.

What have you done for fun through the years?

We’ve always been heavily involved in church activities (understatement of the century). We didn’t really call it date night like y’all do now days, but when we were younger we would go out to eat and go to drag racing or rodeo or ball games or Gospel singing events – that was way back when the Gaithers were just a trio. Now days for date night we tend to just go out to eat and take a drive and just enjoy being together. (I will add that my parents take some pretty nice trips as rewards through my dad’s job as an insurance agent).

What have been your hopes and dreams?

We’ve always wanted to do the best we could for you kids and we’ve always wanted to serve other people – living our lives to serve others rather than ourselves.

Dad: When we were pastors we thought success was when I got to pastor without having a 2nd job to support the family.

Mom: As we got older we reached for dreams like having a bigger property with a garden and getting to travel. We were only able to afford that stuff after dad started working in business world.

Now you know how old my parents are – I mean anyone who knew when the Gaithers were just a trio… If you don’t even know who the Gaithers are just look it up on Google – search images, that’s all you need to know. My parents are very country too in case you couldn’t tell from the drag racing and rodeo. That does remind me of our years in a small town called Forest Hill, LA where we went to the dirt track races every Friday night…

I’m glad to know my parents have fun together and have hopes and dreams. It is ashamed that church people treat pastors in such a way that they leave the ministry all the time. My parents still serve in their local church, just not as pastor. Every time I think of my parents deciding to no longer pastor churches I think of how tough a decision that must have been for them because of their heart for ministry. But at the same time I think of how thankful I am that they made such a tough decision because for all we know that is what kept them together and kept our family together.

My dad plants his garden every year and they get to travel to places Shawna and I hope to go to someday. I’d say they’ve set a pretty good example for putting their marriage, hopes, and dreams in proper priority.

Part 2: My Parent’s 40th Anniversary

August 2, 2011 in Faith and Church, Family and Parenting, I Was Broke. Now I'm Not, Leadership and Growth, Marriage and Relationships, My Parents 40th, Series, Stories with

For my parents 40th wedding anniversary I did a little interview and I’m sharing their wisdom. If you missed it you can click here to read Part 1.

How did you make it 40 years? What advice do you have for us youngsters?

It’s important to always think back on what brought us together to start with and having a determination to never give up on that. Commitment is taken too lightly now days. People think oh well we can just get a divorce if this doesn’t work out. Divorce was never an option for us. Our parents were married 61 & 57 years so we had a good example of commitment. Our faith strengthened our commitment. It has taken a lot of work – seminars at church, better communication, understanding and appreciating each other.

Did you ever get counseling?

No we never did but there were times we should have.

I am so blessed to have such great examples of commitment in my parents and grandparents. Both sets of my grandparents were together until death did them part. I pray that for my marriage too.

It REALLY frustrates me to hear some of the reasons people get divorced. I can’t claim to understand every situation but I can say I don’t agree with the outcome most of the time. Recently I was beating my head against the wall trying to understand why people get divorced and how to help them stay together instead. I know it sounds cliche but a pastor friend of mine reminded me that divorce is a result of Jesus not being the center and focus of relationships. Simplifying it all – that is true. But it doesn’t give me peace about it at all.

I’m committed to my marriage. I fight for my marriage. We have tough conversations. We read books and go through curriculum in small groups or seminars. We ask for advice or counseling when we need it. And we’ll do all that stuff again and again because staying committed in marriage takes work.

The next post is about fun, hopes, and dreams. Be sure to check back.

Part 1: My Parent’s 40th Anniversary

August 1, 2011 in Faith and Church, Family and Parenting, Leadership and Growth, Marriage and Relationships, My Parents 40th, Series, Stories with

This year my parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary and I’ve been wanting to write about them for several months. There is a lot we can all learn by talking to our parents and using the wisdom they’ve gained through years of experience, or the wisdom they haven’t gained It’s important to have discernment of what advice to take or leave when talking to anyone. My hope for everyone is you have someone like my parents to gain some encouraging wisdom from.

So I basically did a little interview with my parents, something I’ve never really done quite like this, to pick their brain a little at their 40 year mark. In this series of posts I want to share some of the questions I asked and some of the takeaways and insight from the conversation.

What does it feel like to be married 40 years?

Mom: It doesn’t really seem possible that it’s been that long. It feels good just to have survived this long. (She didn’t mean as in they haven’t killed each other, she meant it’s good to be alive at their age – which isn’t as old as they act sometimes ).

Dad: Well, dad was actually still asleep in his chair when I asked the first question (being an old fart) so mom answered for him by saying, “Best years of his life!” (There’s a bit of the humor in this relationship coming out.)

Has it always been a fairytale?

(I asked this because so many young couples are shocked and confused when the ‘fairytale’ wears off)

Mom: It was like any newlyweds – a dream come true. But there weren’t any Disney princess movies back then. We’ve always had reasons to stay grounded. We had to work hard. We never had anything given to us. Our first house was a very old owner financed single wide trailer. 100% financing through banks wasn’t very likely back then if it even existed and getting family to co-sign wasn’t an option for us.

Dad: Back then not so many people lived together before getting married. Times were different. Gas was .19 per gallon and beef was .49 per pound.

That’s a good point about living together and times were different but I’m not sure what that had to do with the question. Oh, he just woke up! Must have been having nightmares about current inflated pricing…

I love the comment my mom made about there not being any Disney princess movies back then. Now days so many young couples are growing up with the crazy notion that they’re going to be swept off their feet and live happily ever after. Then when reality hits and their spouse shows imperfection they’re shocked and don’t know what to do. Why do we spend so much time dreaming the impossible and never spending time considering a more likely reality?

Stay tuned for more from my parents…

Boomerangers Part 2 – The Way They Should GO

July 19, 2011 in Boomerangers, Family and Parenting, I Was Broke. Now I'm Not, Marriage and Relationships, Series with

When the subject of boomerangers and/or grown children who constantly need financial help from the parents comes up there are several concerns the parents have that make them fearful of showing tough love. The two most common I hear are:

What if they keep my grandkids away from me?
What if they hate me the rest of my life?

I don’t think there is a time limit on “raise up our children in the way they should GO” (Proverbs 22:6). No matter their age or circumstances we’ve gotta do what we can to equip them to GO tackle the real world on their own two feet.

Being afraid of the grandkids being kept from us is selfish. It is OUR responsibility to help our kids GO tackle the real world on their own two feet. If they try to punish us with more immature behavior that is on them. We have to be willing to make the sacrifices necessary to teach our kids to GO. Do we want this to be a generational problem that is passed on to the grandkids so that they end up being boomerangers too because we weren’t willing to do the right thing and teach their parents wisdom that they can pass down to them? If we let fear of not seeing our grandchildren prevent us from doing the right thing we aren’t doing the grandchildren any favors.

The chance of our kids hating us for the rest of our life if we show them tough love is a risk we’re already taking. Are we afraid of hurting their feelings when we yell at them or yank their arm out of socket to keep them from walking in front of a car? Will we be worried about their feelings if they’re trying to kill one of their siblings? Why should we be worried about their feelings as they kill their financial future and that of their children? Remember this post about inheriting poverty? This is your opportunity to end or prevent the curse.

The chances are at some point in everyone’s life this stuff is going to be learned one way or the other. Our kids are either going to learn how to manage their own resources and love us for teaching them how, or they’re going to dwindle our resources until there are none (whether we’re alive or dead) and wonder why we never taught them. They’re either going to learn it from us through a tough but loving relationship, or they’re going to learn it from someone tougher and meaner than us with no love for them at all. Either way there is a chance that when it comes to their finances they might love or hate us for how we do or don’t teach them. I’d rather take my chances on teaching them.

Think about this – if a boomerang child is unwilling to accept the tough truth about being a self sufficient adult then they are probably loving us for the wrong reason in the first place. Is that the kind of love we want to have with our children when they’re grown?

Boomerangers

July 18, 2011 in Boomerangers, Family and Parenting, I Was Broke. Now I'm Not, Marriage and Relationships, Series with

Something has gone terribly wrong in our culture in the past decade or so. You love them, feed, clothe and shelter them, and teach them the way they should GO (Proverbs 22:6). But they come back. Maybe we aren’t teaching them as well as we thought. This might describe your adult-age kids or you might need to read this to prevent this from describing your kids when they become adult-age. They have been referred to as the Boomerang Generation because they leave only to come back against your true will. I’m not even at this stage in life as a parent yet, but I have counseled dozens of people who are. Therefore I have seen what works and doesn’t work with regards to the boomerang situation, and I have hopes and plans for how I will manage it when my kids are grown. The ultimate goal is to raise kids that come back to visit but not move in.

Notice I said they come back against your “true” will. We’re parents. We don’t want to reject our children and kick them to the curb during a time of need, but it also isn’t our will to have them back in the house after we thought they were gone. Our true will is for them to stand on their own feet and become productive citizens.

I’m using the word “we” quite loosely because the fact of the matter is most of the time there isn’t much “we” in the decision making process for how to treat the boomerang child. Often one spouse is in favor of allowing the boomerang child to move back in and the other is not so much in agreement. This issue can cause SERIOUS frustration in the marriage of the parents and SERIOUS strain on their finances. Not to mention if the boomerang child is married the SERIOUSNESS is amplified by a lot. Yes – this is a problem that is out of control because parents don’t know what to do.

I’ve read some good simple advice that says to do three basic things: Establish a Time Limit, Set Financial Boundaries, Respect Privacy. Those are very good generalities, but I’ve met with countless parents who know those basic things but have a very skewed perception on how to define them in their situation. For example – a single mom with an average income, a significant debt-load, no retirement savings, and barely living paycheck to paycheck SHOULD NOT be paying ALL the bills and feeding her boomerang daughter – along with her boyfriend and their baby – so that they can use the money they earn at their job only to pay for their fun. Yes – I’ve counseled that person.

Let’s face it. For most people the bottom line problem with an adult child moving back home is the financial implication. Yes – their personal development, everyones privacy, and your sanity are all very important too. But I’d venture to say the only reason they come back is money. They either haven’t figured out how to earn some or they haven’t figured out how to manage it. So here are my more detailed additions to the suggestions of what your expectations might be to be perfectly fair while challenging and encouraging the boomerangers to become independent adults:

Establish A Time Limit:

6 months is plenty of time. Given the economy since 2008 maybe a year is even reasonable. If it is longer than that then advantage is being taken.
If the boomeranger has a job this is their opportunity to SAVE or GET OUT OF DEBT – whichever is preventing them from leaving the house.
If the boomeranger does not have a job then this is their opportunity to find one. Jobs ARE available unless my brother got them all (averages 3 jobs at a time).
The boomeranger does not have the option of turning down “crap” jobs if they don’t even have one. A crap job is not as crappy as no job. Beggars cannot be choosers. They MUST get a Job!

Set Financial Boundaries:

Help pay SOME bills. Limit the “some”.
Do not put more effort into improving their situation than they are willing to put in their self.
Do not pay for their entertainment if they cannot pay for their own cell phone. This is a pet peeve of mine you can read about it here.
If the boomeranger has no job and cannot pay for anything with money require them to earn what they get by doing work around the house.

Respect Privacy:

Be respectful of the boomeranger’s privacy to the extent that they respect yours.
Be quiet when they’re on the phone and expect the same, share dinner prep and cleanup responsibility, etc.
Give them alone time and expect the same.
Leave their stuff alone and expect the same.
But if they’re spending YOUR money you deserve to know what they are doing with theirs. When they move out of your house they can have their full privacy back.

I’m sure there is more we could add to these guidelines especially based on everyones unique circumstances. What suggestions could you add?

A blog I enjoy reading regularly has a good related article – Helping vs. Enabling

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