How did having kids affect things?

We wanted kids.  We were so glad to have kids.  It did change everything though.  The biggest change was being involved in all the activities you kids participated in.  But it also strengthened our marriage because there was a greater love than just the two of us.  We HAD to work together just to keep up.  

Would you do it all over again?

We would do it all over again but just do some things differently.  There would be more emphasis on family and our marriage instead of so much emphasis on the church.  Wish we had made better long range plans.  Wish we had used vacation for fun instead of visiting family.  We’ve been blessed and we’re thankful.  In order to make it to 50 yrs we’re gonna take better care of our health and take it one day at a time.  But we don’t live with any regrets and would do it all again.

Sometimes I wonder if the difficulty of having kids is just us or our generation.  So it’s a little reassuring to know that even for our parents having kids was a challenge.  I like John Maxwell’s quote that having grandchildren is the reward for not killing your children.  My parents probably agree with that completely.  Having kids is definitely a blessing we are very thankful for and I pray all the time that I become a better dad.

My parents gave Shawna and me a huge compliment about doing a good job balancing family, work, and church involvement.  That is something we struggle with from time to time in order to keep on track.  We’re making plans for our next family vacation and it gives us something to look forward to through the day to day hustle.

Shawna and I have only been married almost 11 years and we agree with my parents comment after their 40 years about doing it all again but doing some things differently.  We’ve all made mistakes we would take back but I when I’m older I want to be able to say I don’t have any regrets.  I believe that comes from having peace that God is guiding our lives along a path and everything is happening for a reason.

What have you done for fun through the years?

We’ve always been heavily involved in church activities (understatement of the century).  We didn’t really call it date night like y’all do now days, but when we were younger we would go out to eat and go to drag racing or rodeo or ball games or Gospel singing events – that was way back when the Gaithers were just a trio.  Now days for date night we tend to just go out to eat and take a drive and just enjoy being together.  (I will add that my parents take some pretty nice trips as rewards through my dad’s job as an insurance agent).  

What have been your hopes and dreams?

We’ve always wanted to do the best we could for you kids and we’ve always wanted to serve other people – living our lives to serve others rather than ourselves.  

Dad: When we were pastors we thought success was when I got to pastor without having a 2nd job to support the family.  

Mom:  As we got older we reached for dreams like having a bigger property with a garden and getting to travel.  We were only able to afford that stuff after dad started working in business world. 

Now you know how old my parents are – I mean anyone who knew when the Gaithers were just a trio…  If you don’t even know who the Gaithers are just look it up on Google – search images, that’s all you need to know.  My parents are very country too in case you couldn’t tell from the drag racing and rodeo.  That does remind me of our years in a small town called Forest Hill, LA where we went to the dirt track races every Friday night…

I’m glad to know my parents have fun together and have hopes and dreams.  It is ashamed that church people treat pastors in such a way that they leave the ministry all the time.  My parents still serve in their local church, just not as pastor.  Every time I think of my parents deciding to no longer pastor churches I think of how tough a decision that must have been for them because of their heart for ministry.  But at the same time I think of how thankful I am that they made such a tough decision because for all we know that is what kept them together and kept our family together.

My dad plants his garden every year and they get to travel to places Shawna and I hope to go to someday.  I’d say they’ve set a pretty good example for putting their marriage, hopes, and dreams in proper priority.

How did you make it 40 years?  What advice do you have for us youngsters?

It’s important to always think back on what brought us together to start with and having a determination to never give up on that.  Commitment is taken too lightly now days.  People think oh well we can just get a divorce if this doesn’t work out.  Divorce was never an option for us.  Our parents were married 61 & 57 years so we had a good example of commitment.  Our faith strengthened our commitment.  It has taken a lot of work – seminars at church, better communication, understanding and appreciating each other.  

Did you ever get counseling?

No we never did but there were times we should have.  

I am so blessed to have such great examples of commitment in my parents and grandparents.  Both sets of my grandparents were together until death did them part.  I pray that for my marriage too.

It REALLY frustrates me to hear some of the reasons people get divorced.  I can’t claim to understand every situation but I can say I don’t agree with the outcome most of the time.  Recently I was beating my head against the wall trying to understand why people get divorced and how to help them stay together instead.  I know it sounds cliche but a pastor friend of mine reminded me that divorce is a result of Jesus not being the center and focus of relationships.  Simplifying it all – that is true.  But it doesn’t give me peace about it at all.

I’m committed to my marriage.  I fight for my marriage.  We have tough conversations.  We read books and go through curriculum in small groups or seminars.  We ask for advice or counseling when we need it.  And we’ll do all that stuff again and again because staying committed in marriage takes work.

The next post is about fun, hopes, and dreams.  Be sure to check back.

So I basically did a little interview with my parents, something I’ve never really done quite like this, to pick their brain a little at their 40 year mark.  In this series of posts I want to share some of the questions I asked and some of the takeaways and insight from the conversation.

What does it feel like to be married 40 years?

Mom:  It doesn’t really seem possible that it’s been that long.  It feels good just to have survived this long.  (She didn’t mean as in they haven’t killed each other, she meant it’s good to be alive at their age – which isn’t as old as they act sometimes ).

Dad:  Well, dad was actually still asleep in his chair when I asked the first question (being an old fart) so mom answered for him by saying, “Best years of his life!”  (There’s a bit of the humor in this relationship coming out.)

Has it always been a fairytale?

(I asked this because so many young couples are shocked and confused when the ‘fairytale’ wears off)

Mom:  It was like any newlyweds – a dream come true.  But there weren’t any Disney princess movies back then.  We’ve always had reasons to stay grounded. We had to work hard. We never had anything given to us. Our first house was a very old owner financed single wide trailer.  100% financing through banks wasn’t very likely back then if it even existed and getting family to co-sign wasn’t an option for us.

Dad:  Back then not so many people lived together before getting married.  Times were different.  Gas was .19 per gallon and beef was .49 per pound.  

That’s a good point about living together and times were different but I’m not sure what that had to do with the question.  Oh, he just woke up!  Must have been having nightmares about current inflated pricing…

I love the comment my mom made about there not being any Disney princess movies back then.  Now days so many young couples are growing up with the crazy notion that they’re going to be swept off their feet and live happily ever after.  Then when reality hits and their spouse shows imperfection they’re shocked and don’t know what to do.  Why do we spend so much time dreaming the impossible and never spending time considering a more likely reality?

Stay tuned for more from my parents…