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My History With Porn

Before I get started I just want to mention that I’ve been organizing my thoughts for a while on how I want to discuss this subject. I’ve been praying for courage to share my story. Yesterday at NewSpring I was reaffirmed by Clayton King’s message (if anything ever happened to Perry I would love to see Clayton lead NewSpring). The message was on Tolerance vs. Truth. I was reaffirmed that what I’m about to do on this blog is very difficult for me but is tough love for some who might read it. It is time for me to be bold and truthful on the subject of porn.

My story, as I see fit to share it, is going to mess everyone up. I’m calling it My Porn History for a reason. If you only read G-rated material you should probably change the channel. There’s no profanity, but I put in to words what a lot of people are already thinking or wondering or just need to know.

I think I was about four or five years old the first time I remember seeing something inappropriate (porn). My sister and I were flipping satellite channels on TV (back when a satellite meant you had a NASA dish in your yard) before our parents came home from church – dad was the pastor, a typical one that is last to leave. We stopped on a channel that had a couple making out in the back seat of a car and it showed her shirt coming off. I saw boobs for the first time. I remember it vaguely like it was yesterday. Images are burned on our brains forever you know.

How does that make you feel dads? Think your boy isn’t noticing stuff?? My boy is four now and TV has gone way downhill in 25 years since I was four. I have to watch out for the Victoria‘s Secret commercial while my son is around so I can change the channel – it’s unbelievable. We can be play fighting or whatever – not even watching TV – and a commercial like that will come on and he will stop in his tracks and be glued to the TV. By the time I look up to notice what he’s looking at there is already a half naked woman in a suggestive pose. So I scurry for the remote to change the channel. What sucks is it’s too late because that image is burned on his brain forever.

Moving on… I hear parents joke about how kids “play doctor” or “show me yours and I’ll show you mine” kinda crap. I did all that too and looking back I don’t think it was funny – at all. Nobody believes that little boys do get erections – they’re little, but they’re erect. I remember nap time in kindergarten was play time for me and a little girl who had a much older sister (don’t ask me what the teacher was doing or why she didn’t stops us because I have no idea). Let’s just say the older sister had more experience than she needed (or it was an abuse situation) and the little sister had seen it. Not good – messed me up. I couldn’t understand why she wanted to kiss me there. Thank goodness she didn’t really know what she had seen her older sister doing.

Told you this is not G-rated, almost x-rated more like it. Is my story messing you up yet?

How about this – I was 12 the first time I saw hardcore porn. It was at a friends house. His mom was a hard working single mother and obviously didn’t know the influences her son was under much less the influence he was having on me. I couldn’t believe what I saw – it seemed so wrong.
I’m just thankful that kid accepted Christ at my church when we were teenagers and is one of my best friends to this day. Dad’s you think your son is too young to be affected by what he sees? I was 4 when exposed then 12 when violated – by porn.

It didn’t get any better – I was 13 the first time I had real sex. Clearly it wasn’t her first time (again – probably abused or neglected by her father). I was such a vicitm – yeah right. Just curious and naive because I had seen porn, my body was changing, and my parents probably thought I was innocent. I hadn’t done anything before – well at least not since nap time in kindergarten. I was still young and hadn’t experienced many sensations yet. I had no clue what I was doing, but I did have a condom – they’re easy to get. Anyway, It felt like I was about to pee in my pants – only I wasn’t in my pants – and it wasn’t pee. (ok I could have left that sick part out of it but it clearly illustrates that as a 13 yr old I obviously wasn’t ready for sex.) It happened so fast I couldn’t believe what all the sex-hype was about. I didn’t have sex again for about another year and a half, but something kept drawing me to the porn – a chemical reaction in my brain I guess. More on the chemical reaction in the next post.

All through my teen years I looked at porn, masturbated, and had sex with multiple girls. My dad knew it and I don’t think he knew how to deal with me about it. For a long time I wondered if he struggled with porn too or if he might have had similar experiences with girls when he was growing up. From an early age a lot of things felt wrong but my dad never really addressed any of it.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to sound like I’m blaming my dad or the girlfriends or anybody else – like those kids we see on TV blaming their teachers for having sex with them. Those punks aren’t stupid. They know right from wrong. I knew too, but I didn’t know how or really why I should resist wrong and do right in that area of my life. Most men don’t. That’s why I believe books like Every Man’s Battle and Every Young Man’s Battle are so important.

Even after marriage I continued with porn and masturbation. How’s that for transparency? Guilt overwhelmed me over time (God used Perry’s transparency and convicting words of truth to help me man up) and I confessed to my wife and best friend, begging them to forgive me for my failure. I was so relieved to get that secret sin out of my life but my wife was crushed. A long and painful healing and accountability process followed that I’m sure I will talk more about in future posts. Two books were a huge part of that process – Every Man’s Battle and Every Heart Restored .

This is my story. Be it better or worse than others’ stories I don’t know. I love hearing pastors or anyone speak out on this subject openly and unafraid but I’ve yet to hear any of them tell their story this detailed. I hope the graphic details of my story strike a broader audience of women, parents, and porn viewers, because this isn’t an issue for only struggling men to be worried about. I definitely feel I’m qualified to write on this subject and however harsh my words sound please know that I’m writing from a broken but forgiven, loving, and passionate perspective. Please stop looking at porn.

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