I’ve written and thought about My Porn History so much lately that I keep remembering more and more details about my childhood.

In the years after my kindergarten nap times and before the age of 12 when I was exposed to hardcore porn I remember being different from most boys on many occasions.

I remember some things that may or may not have been indicators that I had been exposed to inappropriate stuff or I was confused or otherwise whacked up. So here is a list of things I consider odd about my behavior between the age of 5 and 10, because looking back I was the only kid I remember doing some of this stuff on the level that I was doing it.

Girlfriends – I was “going with” (remember that term – “going with” somebody) many and much older girls. I had a lot of girlfriends. There was Brandi, Marsha, Samantha, Monique, and three others I can’t remember their names – between age 5 and 10. That’s a lot. When I was in 2nd grade my girlfriend was in 5th grade – that’s a wide spread at that age. You wonder how this was possible. Well, pimpin ain’t easy, but I have an older sister (Lisa) who was in 5th grade at the time – it was her friend. That was Monique. I wanted her friend Rebecca but I guess I thought she was out of my league. I remember this stuff.

So you’re probably thinking this isn’t a big deal. Kids have “boyfriend and girlfriend” when they’re little. Ok, keep reading.

Love letters – I remember writing some long mushy love letters when I was in 2nd grade. My mom was the teacher (private school in a small town) so she caught me a couple of times and showed the letters to my dad. I think they were concerned but they didn’t know what to do. These weren’t just “i love you” notes they were about kissing and stuff – and they were 2 pages long (started this writing thing early). Maybe I was starved for affection or something – I don’t know. I probably should have been put in counseling with a professional so they could figure out what was going on in my little head.

So you might think this isn’t a big deal either. Ok, read some more.

Kissing – “like a soap opera” – I saw how people kiss on soap operas. I liked the little tingly feeling I didn’t understand but kissing gave it to me. So I would kiss my little girlfriends “like a soap opera”. Where? How? When? Any time I could. At school, at church, whenever nobody was looking.

Ok, if a 2nd grader with a 5th grader ain’t odd and a 2 page graphically mushy love letter ain’t odd, then surely you’ll agree that a 2nd grader french kissing is a little off. Think about a 6-7 yr old locked up with a 10-11 yr old. Picture that in your mind. Really do it. You’re bound to know kids those ages – picture the kids you know locked up like that. Ok, now you’re probably messed up. I think you’ll agree – It ain’t right. Something was wrong. And I won’t even go in to more detail than kissing since I already did enough of that in this post.

Just noting what could be some warning signs for parents. It’s going to be very difficult for me to discern between what is or isn’t ok for my kids, but you better believe I’m going to talk to them about stuff – a lot.

After years of looking at porn and masturbating I had tried many times to stop it under my own will. It was impossible. There was nothing to stop me from reverting back during times of weakness. I would fail again and while I was failing I would fail big and go on a binge of porn for a couple of weeks before I would get strong and stop again. I didn’t know how to fight the

I was ashamed so I didn’t talk to anyone about the problem. I was carrying the burden all alone. I had a certain “status” as being a good person and a Christian so I felt like admitting to porn would make me as pathetic as the TV evangelists who get caught having affairs. Rightly so since porn is sexual impurity just like adultery and fornication so I should have been feeling that guilt and conviction. But I shouldn’t have felt like I would be judged or labeled if I admitted having a problem. That’s pride – the weak side of pride.

So I would go on being prideful and keeping my secret. I would promise God and myself that I was done, but then there would be a week where Shawna and I were so busy we wouldn’t have sex enough or I would have to travel and be all alone in a hotel room with internet. Any time I was home alone and the temptation hit me it was painfully difficult to resist and often I didn’t.

I was so good at keeping the secret that my wife thought I was perfect. The subject of “nasty men who look at porn” would come up during discussions with close friends and Shawna thought so highly of me she would make comments about how I don’t have any problems with “that” (porn). She would turn to me and ask in a tone that was clearly suggesting I should just confirm there was no problem, so of course I was too prideful to admit it. Can you imagine sitting with friends in mixed company (males and females present) and saying “yes, as a matter of fact I do struggle with porn sometimes and yank ugly when I can’t resist my male weaknesses”. HELL NO!! No man with any dignity left is going to do that. I’m doing it now – after the fact – because I feel God can use my story to help other people.

Just for the record Shawna felt terrible for indirectly putting that kind of pressure on me. It wasn’t her fault but she felt terrible anyway. She had the best intentions of uplifting her man but “ironically” (God’s doing) she was uplifting me in the area I was failing the most. I’m sure her word of advice to women would be to not do that and to have a serious one-on-one conversation with the man about porn. “Do you look at porn?” “No, really, do you look at porn? It’s ok if you struggle with it. I want to help.” This is probably how she would have liked to approach it had we known before what we know now.

Anyway, back to weakness. When I heard Perry’s brief testimony I saw strength in admitting the weaknesses and acknowledging the fact that I needed help. I realized that my worst weakness wasn’t my natural male sex drive and my man-struggle or lustful eyes or whatever, although those are tremendous male weaknesses – controllable but extremely difficult. I had tried and failed and started losing hope that I would ever be strong enough to beat the weaknesses. My worst weakness at the time was being afraid to acknowledge I needed help – I needed to confess, read some books, get accountability.

At least for me I had to overcome the worst weakness first. It was the most humiliating and one of the most re-defining moments of my life. From then on I could taste victory and win the battle against my other weaknesses. But I had to first acknowledge them for what they are – even men with many strengths have tremendous weaknesses.

In the first porn post I mentioned that men who are struggling with porn feel like they’re alone. We feel that way for a lot of reasons but we’re wrong – we’re not alone.

All men are struggling but few realize or find the way to turn it around. I hope to explain how I realized I wasn’t alone and how I could win the battle. I had tried many many times to stop looking at porn on my own, but I couldn’t do it. Having that secret sin in my heart kept dragging me down and I would fail again. I couldn’t understand it.

Has anyone else wondered why porn is such a dirty secret for men? We’re much more likely to joke with close friends about real sex than we are porn and masturbation (even though sometimes I feel convicted entertaining any such joking because Ephesians 5:4 says it is sinful). I think porn is typically such a dirty secret for men because of how ashamed we are about it – refer to this post with my thoughts on the shame of porn. It is the shame that makes it so secretive and it is the secret that makes us feel so alone – because we can’t let the secret out or we might be judged or labeled (this is what judgemental church people do to each other).

Even if we joke about porn and acknowledge that we look at it we still feel that shame, so if we’re joking about it we’re just trying to cover the shame (keep the shame a secret). Do you see where I’m going with this? Either way there is an alienating secret in our hearts and minds. We’re either keeping the fact that we look at porn a secret or we’re keeping the fact that we’re ashamed of it a secret. And we feel alone in our dirty secret.

I had never been talked to on any level of seriousness (other than one sided condemnation from legalistic religious idiots) about porn until one Sunday at NewSpring when Perry Noble spoke about it. Boy was I uncomfortable during that church service because I was guilty, ashamed, and I felt alone. Until Perry mentioned that he used to have a terrible addiction to porn. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Perry put it to the men (he frequently does and I think that’s one reason why men love NewSpring) but he was willing to share his own past on the subject. I had never heard anyone else talk like he did – so open about their past porn problem and so strong in their conviction to encourage men to stop. I believed him and trusted him. I knew I wasn’t alone any more.

Is this making sense? The reason Perry made such a difference was because he was open and honest with his story and it was believable. I had heard a lot of men be condemning but I didn’t have peace that they were true or sincere. I didn’t know if I could believe they had been there or that they were even practicing what they were preaching. So nothing anyone else had ever said made me feel like I could let my secret out and no longer be alone.

What followed that sermon was my confession to Shawna. Then I wrote my story in to Jake Beaty – care pastor at NewSpring. Blah blah – you’ve read my basic story here. Slowly along the way I was able to openly admit porn to more and more people and share my heart about it. Now I’m writing it here (in writing for the first time) for the whole world to see because I hope more people will realize what it took me years to realzie. We’re not alone. The battle is worth fighting and we can’t fight it in secret. Swallow pride, acknowledge the problem, face it head on, get it off your chest, share the burden, whatever you want to call it. Fight the fight. We can win.