Discovering Your Primary Love Language

Thought I was finished with The Five Love Languages. No, there’s more to the wisdom and advice of Gary Chapman than just describing what the love languages are. Now that you know what they are it is time to discover what your primary love language is – and your spouse’s.

There are several ways to make this discovery. For some it will be easier than others, but Mr. Chapman offers a few simplified techniques to try first:

1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you the most? The opposite of that is probably your primary love language.

2. What have you most often requested of your spouse? Whatever that is probably an indication of your primary love language.

3. In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? You might be speaking your own love language.

A quick note about sex for men who might mistakenly think physical touch is their primary love language. (This is a little explicit so hide your children’s eyes) Men are physically driven to have sex because of sperm production. This clouds our judgement and makes us think physical touch is high on our list (more about this subject in future posts). Think about if you were totally fulfilled sexually but each of the other love languages were being very neglected. If you would still be happy without any of the other love languages then physical touch might really be your primary love language. That little idea will work for prioritizing the other love languages too. Some people are actually bi-lingual if two of the love langauges are equally important.

There are two types of people who have extreme difficulty pinpointing their primary love language – the person who has felt so loved for so long in so many ways they can’t determine which way is most important to them, and the person who hasn’t felt loved in so long they can’t remember what it feels like. Those people have to dig deep. Think back to the falling in love experience and what was important then, or think about what an ideal spouse would be like and that might reveal the primary love language.

Dr. Chapman also has a game he recommends. Come home and ask each other on a scale of 1 to 10 how full is your love tank? Then ask what you can do to fill up your spouses love tank. After about 3 weeks you both should be having fun showing love to each other and should be getting good at it too.

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