Locker Room Modesty

OK, I’ve been extremely busy and haven’t had time to post, but I’ve got a lot I want to write about. My thoughts are starting to come together so there will be more posts this week. But first I want to elaborate on something Perry said at church this past Sunday.

I don’t even remember how it came up in his sermon but Perry mentioned how men run around at the YMCA locker room naked. Normally Perry makes his points pretty clear but I want to go a step further than he did with this one cause I think he would agree but he didn’t have time to make this one of the points in his sermon.

We’re not talking underwear naked or towel naked. We’re talking butt naked. I can hear some of the high school comments now – “you gotta be proud of what you got” or “why are you looking”. Or there are some mature adult comments like “we’re all grown men” or “I stopped worrying about that when I was in the military” (cause they have to take big group showers and everybody sees everybody naked).

My response to the high school comments – just shut up! Or I could give them a high school response “it’s not the size but how many times you can make it rise”. As for the why are you looking comment – don’t tell me you don’t notice stuff floppin by at eye level while you’re trying to put your shoes on. During busy times you gotta be watching out or you might turn around and get a face full of a big hairy butt. Nasty old men can’t bend at the knees so they just stand there butt naked and bend at the waist to put their socks on first. PUT ON YOUR FREAKIN FRUIT OF THE LOOMS – NOW!!! That’s what I feel like saying.

My response to the mature comments. Yes, we’re all men. So you should be able to handle this criticism like a man. Put your drawers on! I feel like cramin your naked butt in one of those lockers to teach you what your mama didn’t. You just don’t walk around naked amongst people you don’t know.

That brings me to the military one where you DO walk around naked amonst people you don’t know. It’s not much different from the many years I played football. You might not know everyone well but you’re all there for the same reason, there is a brotherhood among fellow soldiers that makes it quite different, you’re all in shape in the military (or at least much better shape than most of the naked butts at the Y), and last but not least – YOU’RE NOT JUST STANDING AROUND TALKING!! In the military you don’t just stand around naked and talk. You get your shower and get dressed. You’ve probably got a time limit. At the Y these old wrinkly butt (at this point I’m dying to say the other word) men are standing around the scale talking about their garden or their job, all types of conversations. I wouldn’t be surprised to see some of those guys having a meeting in there one day – butt naked.

Here’s the deal. Old and young naked men alike. I ain’t no peach to see naked either, and I’d be more comfortable letting it all hang free too. But I’m respectful enough of other folks comfort and peace of mind to keep myself covered up – cause you don’t know me from Adam. (Speaking of Adam, him and Eve are the ones who made nakedness such a big deal.) Since I’m a man I can offer a solution to this problem you’ve got – works well for me. Follow this simple 10 step approach in the locker room:

1.    come in from your workout
2.    take your clothes off, all but your underwear
3.    take your towel and bath items to the shower (still wearing your underwear)
4.    take off your underwear at the shower
5.    now naked, take your shower (but close the curtain AND the door)
6.    get out of shower and dry off with your towel.
7.    This step is where a lot of men fail. Read closely. WRAP THE TOWEL AROUND YOUR WAIST (This should be done BEFORE you leave the shower area. Don’t wait until you’ve already walked through and bumped in to a half dozen innocent victims putting their shoes on)
8.    Go back to the locker / dressing area. (towel STILL around your waist).
9.    get out your underwear and begin putting them on with your towel still around your waist (most men should be able to get their feet in the underwear and pull them up to the knee – so you should be halfway to almost modest at this point)
10. Last but not least, QUICKLY drop the towel, pull your underwear the rest of the way up, and go about your business. You should have underwear on at this point and everyone else can handle seeing your almost naked body, as nasty as it probably is, better than we could have if you didn’t have on the underwear.

You have successfully acheived almost modest (total modest would be going home to take your shower) by minimizing the amount of exposure to everyone what no one wants to see. Go on now, talk to your buddy about the weather or politics or whatever. Have a meeting – I don’t care. Would you like some coffee – I’ll get it for you. JUST LEAVE YOUR DRAWERS ON!