Continuing along the same lines as the last few posts there is another angle of observation when it comes to saying “No” to ourselves and discerning how to manage disagreements that are inevitable when it comes to money.  That observation is that it is easy to say “No” when “No-thing” is there.

When Shawna and I were broke, or “flat broke” as I like to say it, saying “no” was the only option for a long time.  We had maxed out our credit, didn’t have any money in the bank, and were behind on most of our bills.  It was like that for quite a while.  So the choice of whether or not we took vacation was very simple – the answer was “no” because there was NO money in the bank.

That was a very stressful season in our life and we learned so much from our mistakes along the way.  When we finally started digging out of the hole I started thinking how much easier it would be to make decisions with money in the bank.  WRONG!  It became more difficult.  Since we had been through so much difficulty each new discretionary spending opportunity presented new questions or concerns in our minds:

• Is this wise use of what we’ve been blessed with?
• Should we wait?
• What if the car breaks down or we get sick and need this money in our emergency fund?
• What other plan or dream could we be funding with this money?
• What if we put this toward paying down the debt or the house
• the list goes on and on…

Throw in the different personalities and priorities between two married people and answering the questions becomes even more difficult.  It takes open, honest, CONTROLLED expression of true feelings, working together, being considerate of one another, and prayer to come to a peaceful mutual decision.

A couple of weekends ago my family was at the beach.  We were only there a couple of days so we didn’t let the kids take a bunch of stuff.  To play on the beach they had to use their imagination, find stuff, play in the sand, or play in the water (which they did and it was cold).

As long as they didn’t have toys or anything to play with they got along fine.  As soon as they found an interesting palm tree branch there was an instant argument over who it belonged to or whose turn it was to play with it.  Of course I intervened and took it away because in it’s absence there was peace.

I think we come in to marriage with this problem.  When we first get married we don’t really have much or what we do have we are still thinking of as our own not as shared with our spouse.  So we start out with nothing to really fight about.  Before we know it we’re having to share all our stuff and our money, and our bills and responsibilities- everything.

The problem with that is any two people at some point are going to have different ideas about how to manage something.  So as soon as an interesting palm tree branch comes in the marriage there is conflict.  One spouse wants to wave it in the air like they just don’t care and the other spouse wants to use it to draw a treasure map in the sand.  As long as they didn’t have that branch everything was fine.

It gets much more complicated than that example when it is money, jobs, house, cars, savings, etc.  What are the palm tree branches in your relationship?  Are they really worth fighting about and causing hurt in your marriage?

Some think they “never fight” but they might be overlooking issues that should be addressed.  Others think they “always fight” and might need to ask the question “why”.

The people who really worry me are the ones who say they “never fight” because I can’t help but wonder what their ticking bomb is.  There is no time spent together so there is no fight about it.  There are no activities done together so there is nothing to fight about.  There are no shared hopes, plans, or dreams so long term there is nothing to fight for.    If there is no relational value to fight about then maybe that is why they never fight.  If there is no relational value then the relationship won’t last.  After many years of my own marriage and counseling many many married couples there are two things I know about real relationships:

1. Every couple has differences.
2. Differences cause conflict.

If there is NO relational value then it is best to address why now and hopefully be drawn back together.

The people who say they “always fight” worry me too, but typically they are at least fighting about whatever their ticking bomb is.  They just need to figure out how to manage the conflict maturely and effectively.  My wife and I are great at this – we never say mean things and never raise our voice…. and we own ocean-front property in Oklahoma.  Many times the people I see who can’t manage their conflict effectively are either being selfish, making mean comments, or talking down to each other.  Before the next conflict have a productive conversation about how the two of you could treat each other to make the conflict productive.

Be considerate adults and work together for the greater good of each other.  For goodness sake if you “never fight” don’t be in denial that your marriage takes work and there is probably something being neglected.  For those who “always fight” grow up and think about why so you can work on it and get along.

Many couples have decided that it is better for them to manage their finances separately because they just can’t come to agreement on how to manage them effectively together.  From observations I’ve made of those couples it always seems to be working better for one of them than the other (I’ll just leave it at that for this post).  Even older couples who I thought would have figured it out by now and must be at least in agreement to disagree and be ok with it really aren’t.  On the surface they seem to be ok but when I happen to talk to them separately I can clearly see that they are completely broken by the situation.

This breaks my heart.  I can’t say that I relate to attempting to manage the money separately, but I’ve felt the pain of the struggle.  It seems impossible to agree on anything related to money and it seems that almost everything does relate to money in some way.  The constant struggle causes a feeling of hopelessness to begin taking over.  I thank God every day for blessing Shawna and me through our struggles.  Now I observe others having the same struggles and occasionally I actually have bad dreams about it.

The most vivid bad dream I had involved a very heated argument.  There in my dream stood this couple fighting about money in one of the most irrational ways one could possibly imagine.

They were both in the kitchen – a place where much family bonding or breaking normally takes place.  She was infuriated by what he had done.  He had had enough of her selfishness.  She couldn’t believe how he was acting.  After all, they would be able to manage their money wisely if he was able to control his spending.  In his mind he was totally justified by what he had done to become more frugal.  After all, that is what she wanted – right?

They had previously decided since they couldn’t manage their money together that he would be responsible for bills A, B, & C and she would be responsible for bills X, Y, & Z.  It just so happened that one of his bills was the electric bill and the amount of the bill was ridiculous.  So he had to find something to sell in order to pay the bill.  He chose to sell something not only worth enough to pay the bill but something that would lower the bill in the future by getting rid of this one thing.  It was something she used almost every single day and he viewed it as THE primary reason for the high electric bill.  The electric bill was his responsibility so he accepted it as his DUTY to make it affordable.  So he sold the oven.

I’d say managing money separately is not working for this couple.  If you’re thinking “Good for her – now she doesn’t have to cook.”, then you’ve missed the point.  I know this is a ridiculous dream, but we all could probably think of a moment in our own marriage where we acted just as ridiculous towards each other about a money-related issue.  What would be the oven if you were the couple in my dream?