Everyone reading this should consider it a gift of Mark’s Notes (similar to Cliff’s Notes but they’re mine). Hope you feel the love.

So how do gifts REALLY communicate love?? They say “he/she was thinking of me” to the person receiving the gift. The gift symbolizes the thought. It isn’t whether or not it cost money and it isn’t jus the thought itself. It is the thought, the securing of a gift, and the giving of it as an expression of love.

From the time we’re kids we’re inclined to give gifts to our parents (the flower picked from the yard) as an act of love. It’s in our nature for love to be communicated through gifts. Wedding rings “are outward and visible signs of an inward and spiritual bond that unites your two hearts in love that has no end”. That means they’re gifts, symbols that have emotional value. Unfortunately for a lot of people they don’t realize the value of those rings until they’re holding their spouse’s in their hand after the marriage has fallen apart.

Visual symbols of love (gifts) are more important to some people than others (different love languages). Some people will put greater value on gifts they receive and cherish them for years. They may even question love from their spouse if they’re not receiving gifts.

A disclaimer right here to keep manipulation out of the picture… A person who receives gifts as a primary love language will consider almost anything you give as an expression of love. So, if your spouse criticizes everything you try to give then their love language is not receiving gifts. If you’re the one doing this you’re not as smart as you think. Don’t be trying to manipulate your spouse to get you stuff by telling them that makes you feel loved if you’re just going to criticize every effort. Now if it’s a brand new manual can opener for the kitchen your spouse might need a little help understanding what a gift actually is, but almost anything better than that should be received well if your love language is really receiving gifts.

For those of us who don’t have receiving gifts as our primary love language we have to work at this. For me, working at it has a lot to do with being creative, because money doesn’t grow on trees at the Asbell house. (Although, I’m getting money under control with the support and encouragement of Joe Sangl). Remember, gifts can be not only bought, but made or even found as well. Then be creative with how you do it. Fru fru creativity isn’t my forte, so usually I buy small things that carry more significance to Shawna because of what it is not what it cost. It’s important to keep in mind that to people whose primary love language is receiving gifts the cost of the gift doesn’t matter much, unless it is really out of line with what the giver can afford. In other words – bringing home dollar store gifts when you can afford more will defeat the purpose. Here’s why…

All of us have different attitudes about money. Some are easy spenders and others are strictly savers. Gift giving is easy for the spenders but difficult for the savers. For the saver it’s easy to form excuses like “I don’t buy for myself why should I buy for them?”. What the saver is failing to realize is they ARE purchasing self-worth and security for theirself when they save, and they’re neglecting the emotional needs of their spouse if they refuse to loosen up and buy a few gifts. That’s pretty selfish. The savings minded people need to understand that investing in loving their spouse is one of the best investments they will ever make.

There is another dialogue to this gift giving thing – the intangible gift of giving of yourself. This is similar to quality time but different. It isn’t the time spent enjoying activity together and stuff like that, it is the time spent being there for each other during significant moments or just simply when one of you wants the other around. One extreme example of this is when there is a crisis. If receiving gifts is important to your spouse then your presence is very important during a crisis. Another example is when your spouse just wants you around for the sake of being there and having your company or your assistance. I recently signed up for our church basketball game. I’d like it if Shawna is able to come to some of the games just so I think she is pulling for me.

One thing to note right here is if the physical presence of your spouse is important, you should verbalize it to them. I have failed more than one time even when Shawna did try to verbalize it to me. Last night was one example. We have been busy almost every night of the week for a while, but last night we didn’t have any plans. She had asked me to help her do some things around the house. She was requesting my presence and asking for my help. Something came up that was more important to me and I took care of it (at least it wasn’t basketball). I made the mistake of not realizing how important the time Shawna requested was to her and it hurt her feelings. I was wrong and had to apologize.

The next love language is acts of service, which is another one of Shawna’s big ones (another reason me not helping with what she wanted was a dumb mistake), so hopefully I’ll see how good I’ve done since the last time I read this book … Check back later to see.

Ok, It’s taken me long enough to get back to this, but better late than never. Love language #2 is Quality Time. This is one of Shawna’s favorites that I have to make a conscious effort to do. Anyway, I’ll summarize what Five Love Languages says about it.

Quality time means giving someone your undivided attention. It isn’t watching TV together or reading in the same room. It isn’t just being in the same room together – close proximity. It is engaging one another (having a meaningful conversation, doing an activity one or both of you enjoy, getting away alone for the weekend, or anything that is all about just the two of you). This is sometimes a tough one for me because I’m usually happy just being in the same room as Shawna doing whatever I need to get done, but that’s not quality time. Some of the other love languages are higher on my priority, but I want Shawna to know I love her so I try to work very hard on this.

Think of it like this. When you’re spending time with someone you love you are giving minutes of your life to them that you will never get back. That is how powerful quality time says I love you – especially to someone who has quality time as a primary love language.

It is easy to get caught up in the “success” trap though. We’re so worried about the almighty dollar and our personal achievement that we’re too busy to spend quality time. We have goals we want to reach and time is ticking. Well the book presents a perspective that challenges you to think about how good all that success will be if you no longer have the love and respect of your spouse and family by the time you achieve it – if they’re even still around. You have to make time.

When I first realized just spending time together is important to Shawna I had a misconception… Quality time doesn’t mean you have to be gazing in to each other’s eyes whispering the same sweet stuff you said last week (although you’d be surprised that saying some stuff never gets old). You can do other activities together. For example, when Shawna and I were dating I had a tennis court at my apartment. That was quality time because we would just play and enjoy being together with our undivided attention on doing something together. We weren’t focused on the game itself, just that it was something we enjoyed doing together. There are lots of things you can do – make a list. As long as it is something one of you enjoy and you’re both at least willing to do it then do it knowing that you’re sharing love.

Conversation is a very important part of quality time. It isn’t always saying the sweet stuff, but it is sharing dialogue of experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires with the undivided attention I mentioned before. It is being interesed in everything about one another, kindly asking questions that get each other talking, and listening very intently because you’re interested. Listen doesn’t mean offer solutions to problems that might be shared. Listen doesn’t mean offering advice that isn’t asked for. Listening in this context means being sympathetic and understanding.

Sometimes all this conversation isn’t easy. Growign up we were all conditioned not to share our thoughts or feelings or we’d get in trouble or feel guilty because of how our parents reacted. That’s another whole book, but you’ve got to learn how to get over it and share your thoughts and feelings. Then there’s the factor of different personalities that makes good conversation difficult. You probably attracted your opposite personality. One of you is talkative and the other isn’t and that’s why your dates seemed so perfect, because you both were on the end of the conversation that is naturally comfortable to you and it was easy. That’s part of the illusion of the in-love expereince I wrote about in this post. Nice how that all comes together.

I’m going to spend some quality time with my wife now. More on the 5LL later.

Ok, so the first love language in the book is words of affirmation. It is amazing once you read about suff like this that you realize how far off people are with their spouses. Shawna and I work on this stuff, but it takes conscious effort on both our parts. What saddens me is when I see people who aren’t even trying or worse yet they don’t even really know what to try.

Verbal compliments or words of appreciation are powerful ways to communicate love. Simple stuff like “you look good baby” or “thanks for ironing my shirt” or “thanks for washing the dishes”. Give some sincere appreciation. Don’t try using flattery to manipulate your spouse to do something you want them to do though – your spouse can see through that. “The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love.” But you never know what your spouse might do for you if you start showing some sincere appreciation.

Encouraging words is another dialect of the words of affirmation love language. Encourage means to inspire courage. We all have areas in which we are insecure and never reach our full potential. Sometimes all it takes is encouragement from our spouse to unlock our potential and get us past our insecurities. Learn what is important to your spouse and communicate that you know, you care, you are with them, and you want to help any way you can. Believe in your spouse.

Kind words is another dialect. This is one I have to watch because it refers to the phrase “it isn’t what you say but how you say it.” Unfortunately I sometimes respond to Shawna with the right words but the wrong tone or volume. It is best to watch not only what you say but how you say it, and don’t reciprocate harsh words or tone when your spouse is upset. You can show love even in an argument by listening and responding kindly even if you’re disagreeing on something. I’ve heard it said that you can’t tell someone they shouldn’t feel the way they do because that doesn’t help anything – it’s too late – they already feel that way. But you can speak kindly and find ground for forgiveness in the argument.

Speaking of forgiveness – love doesn’t keep score. We can’t change the past. All we can do is ask forgiveness and try to do better. If you constantly bring up the past then intimacy becomes impossible. But if you choose to forgive intimacy can be restored. Forgiveness is not a feeling it is a commitment, a choice to show mercy and love despite the wrong that was done, to not allow what has happened to come between you. This one really challenges me because it is hard to make that choice all the time. It isn’t “forgive and forget”. It should be “forgiveness forever”, because you will always remember the wrong that happened and the pain will linger, but you have to focus on the commitment to get past it.

Moving on to humble words. Love makes requests, not demands. You aren’t your spouses mom or dad, so telling them what to do isn’t productive. We need to know our spouses desires and it is important for us to communicate our desires in ways that are requests not demands so that both spouses have the choice of responding to or denying those requests. Hope that makes sense. Go back to the “in-love” experience. You probably told your spouse “I like it when you help me do the dishes” rather than “isn’t it about time you do the dishes for once”. When you say things humbly you are indicating that your spouse has something or can do something meaningful or worthwhile to you. Then when they CHOOSE to respond to your request the love you feel is more meaningful.

As you can see there are many dialects within any particular love language. Find out if words of affirmation is a primary love language for your spouse and learn how to speak it well. Gotta keep the love tank full. The next love language will be Quality Time – one of Shawna’s primary ones. I’ll probably read that one next week.