Ok I’ve had some random thoughts on my mind lately about NewSpring children’s ministry.
Summer Blockbuster is coming up and we’re volunteering for it again this year. The only difference is I’ve had to make it known my gift is not patience with a group of 10 or so eight-year-old boys. Last year I had a small group of such boys and it was the longest week of the whole year. Therefore, this year I’m doing something hospitality something something. I’m glad to serve where there is a need but I’m not trying to pull the wool over anybody’s eyes. I don’t want to hurt some random kid’s feelings when he gets on my last nerve and doesn’t listen to me.
Speaking of volunteering to help with kids. Shawna and I volunteer in the kids area every Sunday (basically serving the other volunteers – not working with kids unless we have to – I can handle wild kids when it is only occasionally for short periods of time).
Anyway, I’d just like to make a couple of observations from my point of view. The mostly women and handful of men who volunteer in those kids rooms are the most over-worked and under-appreciated volunteers in the whole building on Sunday. They have to be in those rooms 30-45 minutes before church starts (as opposed to lounging in volunteer headquarters around the food), they get the leftover food from volunteer headquarters that somebody like me and Shawna might be able to bring them if we’re lucky enough to get to it before random grazers eat it all, they have to listen to and deal with all the screaming children, they have to change diapers and clean up spills, they have to stay in the rooms until the last parent picks up their child, and they have to do all of this with too few people because there aren’t enough people volunteering to work in the kids area.
It is very frustrating to watch and I am probably venting about something that isn’t my business, but I hate to see staff people getting stressed because there aren’t enough volunteers. More importantly I hate to see volunteers getting beat up and burnt out over it because if that keeps up there won’t be ANY volunteers in the kids area. Ok that’s all I’m going to say about that.
God bless the people who work with the children. They deserve it.
Random – NewSpring Childrens Ministry
Can You Believe The Youth Groups of Today??
You mean they didn’t go on choir tour??
They didn’t compete in Teen Talent???
They didn’t go to general assembly????
Did the kids cold call businesses to sell and deliver lasagna dinners to pay for the trip or did you have an after church dinner where the adults paid for their plate and tipped the kids for being their servers – or did you do both those things?
How many car washes did the kids do?
Were you able to raise much money at your church-wide yard sale?
Did your youth pastor’s wife coordinate and participate in all that fund raising? Is she still sane or did she drive the youth pastor crazy? Are they still married?
Just what did these kids do to EARN these priveleges? Did you at least make them unload all the heavy sound equipment and portable stage etc etc when you got there?
What are you talking about??? You mean those kids literally walked the streets of NYC and talked to people about Jesus!!!!
Did they hand out ‘gospel tracs’ or was the “literature” you mention something else?
What do you mean you took the kids to
What do you mean that trip wasn’t for missions it was to minister TO the youth?
Well I can’t believe you made them get baptized in the dirty ocean and the parents and grandparents weren’t even there to see it. How did you play the organ during the baptismal service out on the beach?
Oh, and by the way, I saw those pictures and video clips of you wearing that sun visor cap out on the scorching hot beach – that’s irreverent while you’re talking about the Lord. And you should be ashamed wearing that sleaveless shirt.
Maybe I shouldn’t be so sarcastic making fun of the way church used to be when I was growing up. But what is really not that funny is that a lot of churches haven’t changed much if any at all. I’ve been reading or hearing a lot lately that every different church has a role and will reach different types of people with different types of needs according to their own vision etc etc. I want to agree with all that and understand that not every church can be like a NewSpring or a RockBridge. But I don’t think churches should be using that to justify never changing if they haven’t reached anybody new in decades. Take what makes you different and do it in a way that reaches people. I’m just a regular guy calling it how I see it.
Rock Bridge Community Church
I mentioned in this post that we visited our family in
Anyway, I got to meet the pastor, Matt Evans, very briefly. He was standing at the front door kinda to the side greeting people as they came up the side walk. Perry used to stand out in the lobby when NewSpring was meeting at
I remember when Shawna and I first started going to NewSpring I said “What if there was a church like this in Dalton?” Now there is!! Matt is mentoring with Perry which is very cool. Rock Bridge is doing a lot of things similar to NewSpring and a lot of things unique. The worship is great and the message was well planned and communicated. I can tell why Rock Bridge is probably the fastest growing church in the Dalton area.
Rock Bridge meets in the old historic Winks Theater in downtown Dalton. It has been renovated on the inside with new seating and carpet and such. The architecture is all pretty much still the same with the detail around the sides of the stage, the entrance to the building that stands out like the old stage theaters you see in the movies. It is really really cool. Also, they have like a coffee shop at the front of the facility. What’s up with that Perry and crew at NewSpring? We don’t have a coffee shop. Just kidding, but not really. Why don’t we have a coffee shop? The kids facility is kinda tight but they’re adding more facilities across the street in the old historic downtown Dalton. How cool is that the new generation of ministry is taking over the old downtown area…
I’m really excited for Rock Bridge. They’re attracting people who wouldn’t go to a traditional church, like my brother in law who has been saved for a couple of years but hasn’t had a church home.
Oh, right here I just had a thought. Perry mentioned a couple of things this past Sunday I’d like to agree but disagree with (I can love him and NS without being a “yes” man – ok). He said that people shouldn’t say they don’t go to a particular church because they aren’t “being fed” because even a 2 yr old can feed themselves (analogy meaning your personal relationship with Christ is how you feed yourself). I agree with his spurring us to not think that way, but continuing with his analogy I have to ask – but why go to a church that ain’t got no dessert?(that was southern for ‘don’t have any’). A two year old is smart enough to go where the good food is…. Also, Perry mentioned something about people have been calling the church to see if he is going to be preaching the upcoming Sunday because they don’t want to come if he isn’t and that’s like worshipping the pastor and all that blah blah blah. Well, I grew up a pastors kid, married a pastors kid, and have known probably a million pastors in my little lifetime of 29 years and I like it when they try to ‘humble’ themselves. I’ll second whatever Perry said by saying preachers ain’t all that – Perry included. They’re just people, respectable and commendable for what they do, but not praisable or worshippable by no means. Besides Perry sweats and stinks like none other at the gym – and he wears ugly shoes sometimes (short story – I told him his shoes were ugly in the gym one day and I could tell he wanted to ‘punch me in the throat’ – he had heard a rumor I didn’t know about some stupid women discussing how much he pays for the ugly shoes – I just thought they were ugly and it was funny – I don’t care what they look like or how much he paid – for goodness sake if you spend as much time as he does on a stinkin treadmill you need some dang good kicks – that’s shoes for those of you who have never lived in Atlanta).
Anyway, I’m rambling now. Rock Bridge has a good thing going on and I hope I get to visit again. When we’re in Dalton I’m torn between going there or to the church I went to when I lived there, not to mention my father-in-law is the current pastor – Crosspoint Christian Centre. I’m subscribing to the email list of Matt Evan’s blog and plan to learn more from his lead at Rock Bridge. GOD is doing great things through creative churches. It’s very exciting to watch.
More Porn History
I’ve written and thought about My Porn History so much lately that I keep remembering more and more details about my childhood.
In the years after my kindergarten nap times and before the age of 12 when I was exposed to hardcore porn I remember being different from most boys on many occasions.
I remember some things that may or may not have been indicators that I had been exposed to inappropriate stuff or I was confused or otherwise whacked up. So here is a list of things I consider odd about my behavior between the age of 5 and 10, because looking back I was the only kid I remember doing some of this stuff on the level that I was doing it.
Girlfriends – I was “going with” (remember that term – “going with” somebody) many and much older girls. I had a lot of girlfriends. There was Brandi, Marsha, Samantha, Monique, and three others I can’t remember their names – between age 5 and 10. That’s a lot. When I was in 2nd grade my girlfriend was in 5th grade – that’s a wide spread at that age. You wonder how this was possible. Well, pimpin ain’t easy, but I have an older sister (Lisa) who was in 5th grade at the time – it was her friend. That was Monique. I wanted her friend Rebecca but I guess I thought she was out of my league. I remember this stuff.
So you’re probably thinking this isn’t a big deal. Kids have “boyfriend and girlfriend” when they’re little. Ok, keep reading.
Love letters – I remember writing some long mushy love letters when I was in 2nd grade. My mom was the teacher (private school in a small town) so she caught me a couple of times and showed the letters to my dad. I think they were concerned but they didn’t know what to do. These weren’t just “i love you” notes they were about kissing and stuff – and they were 2 pages long (started this writing thing early). Maybe I was starved for affection or something – I don’t know. I probably should have been put in counseling with a professional so they could figure out what was going on in my little head.
So you might think this isn’t a big deal either. Ok, read some more.
Kissing – “like a soap opera” – I saw how people kiss on soap operas. I liked the little tingly feeling I didn’t understand but kissing gave it to me. So I would kiss my little girlfriends “like a soap opera”. Where? How? When? Any time I could. At school, at church, whenever nobody was looking.
Ok, if a 2nd grader with a 5th grader ain’t odd and a 2 page graphically mushy love letter ain’t odd, then surely you’ll agree that a 2nd grader french kissing is a little off. Think about a 6-7 yr old locked up with a 10-11 yr old. Picture that in your mind. Really do it. You’re bound to know kids those ages – picture the kids you know locked up like that. Ok, now you’re probably messed up. I think you’ll agree – It ain’t right. Something was wrong. And I won’t even go in to more detail than kissing since I already did enough of that in this post.
Just noting what could be some warning signs for parents. It’s going to be very difficult for me to discern between what is or isn’t ok for my kids, but you better believe I’m going to talk to them about stuff – a lot.
Friends – Sharpen Each Other
Ok, so I’ve got this friend Joey Smith (not sure why he doesn’t blog) who sends me emails from time to time that are encouraging and challenging. Here’s one he sent recently…
Henry Blackaby this morning. What kinda’ friends do you have? Any encouraging examples?
The Christian life is a pilgrimage. At times the road is difficult, and we get lonely. Sometimes we may become discouraged and consider abandoning the journey. It is at such times that God will place a friend alongside us. One of God’s most precious gifts to us are friends who encourage us and lovingly challenge us to “”keep going.””
According to Scripture, a friend is one who challenges you to become all that God intends. Jonathan could have succeeded his father to become the next king of
The mark of biblical friends is that their friendship draws you closer to Christ. They “”sharpen”” you and motivate you to do what is right. True friends tell you the truth and even risk hurting your feelings because they love you and have your best interests at heart (Prov. 27:6).
Be careful in your choice of friends! Jesus chose His closest friends wisely. He did not look for perfect friends, but friends whose hearts were set to follow God. It is equally important to examine the kind of friend you are to others. As a friend, it is your duty to put the needs of others first (Prov. 17:17). Strive to find godly friends who will challenge you to become the person God desires. When you have found them, be receptive to the way God uses them to help you become spiritually mature. Strive also to be the kind of friend that helps others become more like Christ.”
Joey, if you’re reading this, I consider you one of the friends this article describes. There are several others I could name too but since you sent the article I want you to know I appreciate your friendship.
Tom Haren, a home group pastor at NewSpring, responded to the email Joey sent with a story about his college buddy. I had a good buddy in college too, Joey Cochran (Ironic it’s another Joey). He stretched me to be a better person but I wasn’t a very receptive friend. I would justify my faults or failures by having selective interpretation of the Bible. One issue in particular was with porn. Joey knew about my porn problem and on occasion would remind me it is wrong and I shouldn’t do it. I would go to selective scriptures and interpret it how I felt like it to justify my problem (I was ignorant about a lot more things then). We disagreed at the time and remained friends. As far as I know he remained pure and he was always still my friend even though I continued sinning.
I can look back on that now and say he was a great friend. Now he lives in PA so I don’t see or hear from him much, but I’ll always consider him a great friend. I hope I can be a good friend like Joey to friends I have now so we can sharpen one another and continue growing in Christ together.
Mother’s Day
I thought about trying to post something unique or special for Mother’s Day but after going to church yesterday afternoon (we go to the 4pm & volunteer at the 6pm service) I just have to mention what our church did for Mother’s Day.
Before I go there I will say our family had a special day. We showed appreciation for Shawna by letting her sleep in, taking her out to eat, getting ice cream, and being extra sweet to her all day (the kids said Happy Mother’s Day all day long). We should have done much more so I’ll make it up to Shawna hopefully real soon.
But I think everyone would agree the most powerful part of Mother’s Day yesterday was the blessing NewSpring gave to a single mom named Mika. They gave her a house. Someone donated the house and over 100 NewSpring volunteers donated materials and labor to make it amazing. You can watch the video on www.newspring.cc. The video might not be available til tomorrow but it is awesome. What a blessing.
Hope everyone else enjoyed their Mother’s Day. Now it’s time to start thinking about Father’s Day!!!
Weakness
After years of looking at porn and masturbating I had tried many times to stop it under my own will. It was impossible. There was nothing to stop me from reverting back during times of weakness. I would fail again and while I was failing I would fail big and go on a binge of porn for a couple of weeks before I would get strong and stop again. I didn’t know how to fight the
I was ashamed so I didn’t talk to anyone about the problem. I was carrying the burden all alone. I had a certain “status” as being a good person and a Christian so I felt like admitting to porn would make me as pathetic as the TV evangelists who get caught having affairs. Rightly so since porn is sexual impurity just like adultery and fornication so I should have been feeling that guilt and conviction. But I shouldn’t have felt like I would be judged or labeled if I admitted having a problem. That’s pride – the weak side of pride.
So I would go on being prideful and keeping my secret. I would promise God and myself that I was done, but then there would be a week where Shawna and I were so busy we wouldn’t have sex enough or I would have to travel and be all alone in a hotel room with internet. Any time I was home alone and the temptation hit me it was painfully difficult to resist and often I didn’t.
I was so good at keeping the secret that my wife thought I was perfect. The subject of “nasty men who look at porn” would come up during discussions with close friends and Shawna thought so highly of me she would make comments about how I don’t have any problems with “that” (porn). She would turn to me and ask in a tone that was clearly suggesting I should just confirm there was no problem, so of course I was too prideful to admit it. Can you imagine sitting with friends in mixed company (males and females present) and saying “yes, as a matter of fact I do struggle with porn sometimes and yank ugly when I can’t resist my male weaknesses”. HELL NO!! No man with any dignity left is going to do that. I’m doing it now – after the fact – because I feel God can use my story to help other people.
Just for the record Shawna felt terrible for indirectly putting that kind of pressure on me. It wasn’t her fault but she felt terrible anyway. She had the best intentions of uplifting her man but “ironically” (God’s doing) she was uplifting me in the area I was failing the most. I’m sure her word of advice to women would be to not do that and to have a serious one-on-one conversation with the man about porn. “Do you look at porn?” “No, really, do you look at porn? It’s ok if you struggle with it. I want to help.” This is probably how she would have liked to approach it had we known before what we know now.
Anyway, back to weakness. When I heard Perry’s brief testimony I saw strength in admitting the weaknesses and acknowledging the fact that I needed help. I realized that my worst weakness wasn’t my natural male sex drive and my man-struggle or lustful eyes or whatever, although those are tremendous male weaknesses – controllable but extremely difficult. I had tried and failed and started losing hope that I would ever be strong enough to beat the weaknesses. My worst weakness at the time was being afraid to acknowledge I needed help – I needed to confess, read some books, get accountability.
At least for me I had to overcome the worst weakness first. It was the most humiliating and one of the most re-defining moments of my life. From then on I could taste victory and win the battle against my other weaknesses. But I had to first acknowledge them for what they are – even men with many strengths have tremendous weaknesses.
Not Alone.
In the first porn post I mentioned that men who are struggling with porn feel like they’re alone. We feel that way for a lot of reasons but we’re wrong – we’re not alone.
All men are struggling but few realize or find the way to turn it around. I hope to explain how I realized I wasn’t alone and how I could win the battle. I had tried many many times to stop looking at porn on my own, but I couldn’t do it. Having that secret sin in my heart kept dragging me down and I would fail again. I couldn’t understand it.
Has anyone else wondered why porn is such a dirty secret for men? We’re much more likely to joke with close friends about real sex than we are porn and masturbation (even though sometimes I feel convicted entertaining any such joking because Ephesians 5:4 says it is sinful). I think porn is typically such a dirty secret for men because of how ashamed we are about it – refer to this post with my thoughts on the shame of porn. It is the shame that makes it so secretive and it is the secret that makes us feel so alone – because we can’t let the secret out or we might be judged or labeled (this is what judgemental church people do to each other).
Even if we joke about porn and acknowledge that we look at it we still feel that shame, so if we’re joking about it we’re just trying to cover the shame (keep the shame a secret). Do you see where I’m going with this? Either way there is an alienating secret in our hearts and minds. We’re either keeping the fact that we look at porn a secret or we’re keeping the fact that we’re ashamed of it a secret. And we feel alone in our dirty secret.
I had never been talked to on any level of seriousness (other than one sided condemnation from legalistic religious idiots) about porn until one Sunday at NewSpring when Perry Noble spoke about it. Boy was I uncomfortable during that church service because I was guilty, ashamed, and I felt alone. Until Perry mentioned that he used to have a terrible addiction to porn. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Perry put it to the men (he frequently does and I think that’s one reason why men love NewSpring) but he was willing to share his own past on the subject. I had never heard anyone else talk like he did – so open about their past porn problem and so strong in their conviction to encourage men to stop. I believed him and trusted him. I knew I wasn’t alone any more.
Is this making sense? The reason Perry made such a difference was because he was open and honest with his story and it was believable. I had heard a lot of men be condemning but I didn’t have peace that they were true or sincere. I didn’t know if I could believe they had been there or that they were even practicing what they were preaching. So nothing anyone else had ever said made me feel like I could let my secret out and no longer be alone.
What followed that sermon was my confession to Shawna. Then I wrote my story in to Jake Beaty – care pastor at NewSpring. Blah blah – you’ve read my basic story here. Slowly along the way I was able to openly admit porn to more and more people and share my heart about it. Now I’m writing it here (in writing for the first time) for the whole world to see because I hope more people will realize what it took me years to realzie. We’re not alone. The battle is worth fighting and we can’t fight it in secret. Swallow pride, acknowledge the problem, face it head on, get it off your chest, share the burden, whatever you want to call it. Fight the fight. We can win.
Feeling Ashamed
In Friday’s post I mentioned how men looking at porn are Feeling Ashamed. There is so much going on in our minds. I’m not a professional by any means (professionals are probably too liberal on this subject anyway) but I think I can describe a small bit of what is going on.
Feeling ashamed is a combination of conviction and man-struggle. I made that word up so I guess I should explain. I’ll just say it is against our manly nature to look at porn so I’ll call it man-struggle. It isn’t natural for a man to look at porn. It is natural for a man to conquer or win (read Wild at Heart). In terms of sexual nature that means men naturally want to win a woman’s heart which will naturally lead to that sexual fulfillment we naturally desire (I’m using the word natural a lot).
Those porn women don’t have to be won for men to get sexual fulfillment, so it goes against our nature of wanting a heart to win. Everyone easily recognizes mans nature that sex is important, but we often think emotions aren’t. The truth is sex is important but not without intimate emotions. So getting a chemical high through our eyes or getting a release by masturbating is not completely fulfilling. It isn’t God’s plan so it doesn’t work. We need intimacy or there is still a void.
The fact of the matter is most of the women in the porn industry have history of abuse or neglect or other issues that factor in to their choice to be involved in porn. Don’t feel sorry for them. A lot of them hate men and do porn just because it makes them feel like they’re defeating men – which they are if we’re pathetic and weak and give in. Some men might try to justify looking at porn and make it ok because it is our “nature”, but it isn’t and they know it. I know – I’ve been down that road – trying to justify it so it doesn’t feel bad. Doesn’t work. It still feels wrong. It ain’t natural to look at porn and spank ugly (my new word for masturbate). What is natural is sexual intimacy (keyword suggesting monogamy in the context of marriage). Ain’t nothing like the real thing baby.
When men look at porn they’re taking the easy way out – like getting an easy piece so to speak. It’s lazy fulfillment because we don’t have to work for it. Should just go ahead and pay for a hooker. But no real man would be proud of that or fulfilled by it either. We can look at porn in secret and get that false fulfillment, so that’s what we do and just live with the shame.
If this is striking a nerve with anyone I want you to know you can talk to me. I’ve had some awkward conversations with some close friends and family about porn and mens weaknesses and man-struggles. It’s worth getting through the awkwardness every time. Don’t be ashamed to admit it and talk about it. You’ll feel better getting over that hurdle and starting your battle against sexual impurity.
Eyes and Heart Adultery
Before I go on with more posts on porn let me talk about why men look at porn and women typically don’t (although some do). Women typically think men are disgusting because of what I’m about to tell you, or they don’t understand that Christian and non-Christian men all struggle with this same thing.
I think the reason women don’t understand what the big deal is about how they dress is because they are wired differently and can’t relate to what is really going on when a man is “noticing” them or giving them that attention they want. Women like the attention but when they learn what men are getting out of it they’re usually less than thrilled – unless they have poor intentions of their own. These are my opinions… I’ll say this ladies – He ain’t admiring you for your charming personality. I’ll talk about that in a later post for the women.
Men are biologically designed to be sexually stimulated and gratified through sight – through their eyes. That means there is a chemical reaction in the brain when they are visually stimulated with sexual images or thoughts. Men are so driven by their desire for sexual fulfillment that they look at anything moving just to see if it might be something they like to see.
The problem is then they stare and either consciously or subconsciously they are stimulated sexually in their brain and there is a chemical reaction. It is the SAME chemical reaction that takes place when they are REALLY HAVING SEX. So female nudity on any level (even scantily dressed women) makes a man’s chemicals get all crazy like he’s really having sex. Most men go ahead and masturbate to get the full effect. Yeah – I just said masturbate on my blog again.
The chemical reaction is what causes men to be so tempted to look at porn or to stare at the short skirt walking by. What men should do is “bounce” their eyes – look away. Don’t stare. Out of sight out of mind is true in this case. Bounce your eyes and you might be able to keep lustful thoughts (conscious or subconscious) out of your mind. It’s best to not ever see anything in the first place but it is almost impossible to watch TV without seeing something you don’t need to. Not to mention anywhere you go there is likely to be at least one woman dressed too provocative. Men – bounce the eyes.
It can be very difficult to resist the temptation to look and lust, but you’ve gotta do it men. Jesus says in Matthew 5:28 “anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Thus the title of this post – Eyes and Heart Adultery. All it takes is a short glance for your subconscious to generate sexual gratification from what you see with your eyes.
Read Every Man’s Battle. It talks about all the reasons we want to give in. We’re weak, we’re mad, we’re not being fulfilled by our wives…there are lots of excuses. Every Man’s
I’m liking this porn talk – it’s making me even stronger and more passionate about my own victory – it’s been over 2 years since I confessed and gave up porn. Thanks for the comments from yesterday. I appreciate the supportive words and hope that anything I write on here will encourage people to address the porn issue head on.