Weakness

May 8, 2007 by Leave a Comment

After years of looking at porn and masturbating I had tried many times to stop it under my own will. It was impossible. There was nothing to stop me from reverting back during times of weakness. I would fail again and while I was failing I would fail big and go on a binge of porn for a couple of weeks before I would get strong and stop again. I didn’t know how to fight the

I was ashamed so I didn’t talk to anyone about the problem. I was carrying the burden all alone. I had a certain “status” as being a good person and a Christian so I felt like admitting to porn would make me as pathetic as the TV evangelists who get caught having affairs. Rightly so since porn is sexual impurity just like adultery and fornication so I should have been feeling that guilt and conviction. But I shouldn’t have felt like I would be judged or labeled if I admitted having a problem. That’s pride – the weak side of pride.

So I would go on being prideful and keeping my secret. I would promise God and myself that I was done, but then there would be a week where Shawna and I were so busy we wouldn’t have sex enough or I would have to travel and be all alone in a hotel room with internet. Any time I was home alone and the temptation hit me it was painfully difficult to resist and often I didn’t.

I was so good at keeping the secret that my wife thought I was perfect. The subject of “nasty men who look at porn” would come up during discussions with close friends and Shawna thought so highly of me she would make comments about how I don’t have any problems with “that” (porn). She would turn to me and ask in a tone that was clearly suggesting I should just confirm there was no problem, so of course I was too prideful to admit it. Can you imagine sitting with friends in mixed company (males and females present) and saying “yes, as a matter of fact I do struggle with porn sometimes and yank ugly when I can’t resist my male weaknesses”. HELL NO!! No man with any dignity left is going to do that. I’m doing it now – after the fact – because I feel God can use my story to help other people.

Just for the record Shawna felt terrible for indirectly putting that kind of pressure on me. It wasn’t her fault but she felt terrible anyway. She had the best intentions of uplifting her man but “ironically” (God’s doing) she was uplifting me in the area I was failing the most. I’m sure her word of advice to women would be to not do that and to have a serious one-on-one conversation with the man about porn. “Do you look at porn?” “No, really, do you look at porn? It’s ok if you struggle with it. I want to help.” This is probably how she would have liked to approach it had we known before what we know now.

Anyway, back to weakness. When I heard Perry’s brief testimony I saw strength in admitting the weaknesses and acknowledging the fact that I needed help. I realized that my worst weakness wasn’t my natural male sex drive and my man-struggle or lustful eyes or whatever, although those are tremendous male weaknesses – controllable but extremely difficult. I had tried and failed and started losing hope that I would ever be strong enough to beat the weaknesses. My worst weakness at the time was being afraid to acknowledge I needed help – I needed to confess, read some books, get accountability.

At least for me I had to overcome the worst weakness first. It was the most humiliating and one of the most re-defining moments of my life. From then on I could taste victory and win the battle against my other weaknesses. But I had to first acknowledge them for what they are – even men with many strengths have tremendous weaknesses.

Filed Under: Faith, Personal Growth, Relationships

Not Alone.

May 3, 2007 by Leave a Comment

In the first porn post I mentioned that men who are struggling with porn feel like they’re alone. We feel that way for a lot of reasons but we’re wrong – we’re not alone.

All men are struggling but few realize or find the way to turn it around. I hope to explain how I realized I wasn’t alone and how I could win the battle. I had tried many many times to stop looking at porn on my own, but I couldn’t do it. Having that secret sin in my heart kept dragging me down and I would fail again. I couldn’t understand it.

Has anyone else wondered why porn is such a dirty secret for men? We’re much more likely to joke with close friends about real sex than we are porn and masturbation (even though sometimes I feel convicted entertaining any such joking because Ephesians 5:4 says it is sinful). I think porn is typically such a dirty secret for men because of how ashamed we are about it – refer to this post with my thoughts on the shame of porn. It is the shame that makes it so secretive and it is the secret that makes us feel so alone – because we can’t let the secret out or we might be judged or labeled (this is what judgemental church people do to each other).

Even if we joke about porn and acknowledge that we look at it we still feel that shame, so if we’re joking about it we’re just trying to cover the shame (keep the shame a secret). Do you see where I’m going with this? Either way there is an alienating secret in our hearts and minds. We’re either keeping the fact that we look at porn a secret or we’re keeping the fact that we’re ashamed of it a secret. And we feel alone in our dirty secret.

I had never been talked to on any level of seriousness (other than one sided condemnation from legalistic religious idiots) about porn until one Sunday at NewSpring when Perry Noble spoke about it. Boy was I uncomfortable during that church service because I was guilty, ashamed, and I felt alone. Until Perry mentioned that he used to have a terrible addiction to porn. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Perry put it to the men (he frequently does and I think that’s one reason why men love NewSpring) but he was willing to share his own past on the subject. I had never heard anyone else talk like he did – so open about their past porn problem and so strong in their conviction to encourage men to stop. I believed him and trusted him. I knew I wasn’t alone any more.

Is this making sense? The reason Perry made such a difference was because he was open and honest with his story and it was believable. I had heard a lot of men be condemning but I didn’t have peace that they were true or sincere. I didn’t know if I could believe they had been there or that they were even practicing what they were preaching. So nothing anyone else had ever said made me feel like I could let my secret out and no longer be alone.

What followed that sermon was my confession to Shawna. Then I wrote my story in to Jake Beaty – care pastor at NewSpring. Blah blah – you’ve read my basic story here. Slowly along the way I was able to openly admit porn to more and more people and share my heart about it. Now I’m writing it here (in writing for the first time) for the whole world to see because I hope more people will realize what it took me years to realzie. We’re not alone. The battle is worth fighting and we can’t fight it in secret. Swallow pride, acknowledge the problem, face it head on, get it off your chest, share the burden, whatever you want to call it. Fight the fight. We can win.

Filed Under: Faith, Personal Growth, Relationships

Feeling Ashamed

May 2, 2007 by Leave a Comment

In Friday’s post I mentioned how men looking at porn are Feeling Ashamed. There is so much going on in our minds. I’m not a professional by any means (professionals are probably too liberal on this subject anyway) but I think I can describe a small bit of what is going on.

Feeling ashamed is a combination of conviction and man-struggle. I made that word up so I guess I should explain. I’ll just say it is against our manly nature to look at porn so I’ll call it man-struggle. It isn’t natural for a man to look at porn. It is natural for a man to conquer or win (read Wild at Heart). In terms of sexual nature that means men naturally want to win a woman’s heart which will naturally lead to that sexual fulfillment we naturally desire (I’m using the word natural a lot).

Those porn women don’t have to be won for men to get sexual fulfillment, so it goes against our nature of wanting a heart to win. Everyone easily recognizes mans nature that sex is important, but we often think emotions aren’t. The truth is sex is important but not without intimate emotions. So getting a chemical high through our eyes or getting a release by masturbating is not completely fulfilling. It isn’t God’s plan so it doesn’t work. We need intimacy or there is still a void.

The fact of the matter is most of the women in the porn industry have history of abuse or neglect or other issues that factor in to their choice to be involved in porn. Don’t feel sorry for them. A lot of them hate men and do porn just because it makes them feel like they’re defeating men – which they are if we’re pathetic and weak and give in. Some men might try to justify looking at porn and make it ok because it is our “nature”, but it isn’t and they know it. I know – I’ve been down that road – trying to justify it so it doesn’t feel bad. Doesn’t work. It still feels wrong. It ain’t natural to look at porn and spank ugly (my new word for masturbate). What is natural is sexual intimacy (keyword suggesting monogamy in the context of marriage). Ain’t nothing like the real thing baby.

When men look at porn they’re taking the easy way out – like getting an easy piece so to speak. It’s lazy fulfillment because we don’t have to work for it. Should just go ahead and pay for a hooker. But no real man would be proud of that or fulfilled by it either. We can look at porn in secret and get that false fulfillment, so that’s what we do and just live with the shame.

If this is striking a nerve with anyone I want you to know you can talk to me. I’ve had some awkward conversations with some close friends and family about porn and mens weaknesses and man-struggles. It’s worth getting through the awkwardness every time. Don’t be ashamed to admit it and talk about it. You’ll feel better getting over that hurdle and starting your battle against sexual impurity.

Filed Under: Faith, Personal Growth, Reading, Relationships

Eyes and Heart Adultery

May 1, 2007 by Leave a Comment

Before I go on with more posts on porn let me talk about why men look at porn and women typically don’t (although some do). Women typically think men are disgusting because of what I’m about to tell you, or they don’t understand that Christian and non-Christian men all struggle with this same thing.

I think the reason women don’t understand what the big deal is about how they dress is because they are wired differently and can’t relate to what is really going on when a man is “noticing” them or giving them that attention they want. Women like the attention but when they learn what men are getting out of it they’re usually less than thrilled – unless they have poor intentions of their own. These are my opinions… I’ll say this ladies – He ain’t admiring you for your charming personality. I’ll talk about that in a later post for the women.

Men are biologically designed to be sexually stimulated and gratified through sight – through their eyes. That means there is a chemical reaction in the brain when they are visually stimulated with sexual images or thoughts. Men are so driven by their desire for sexual fulfillment that they look at anything moving just to see if it might be something they like to see.

The problem is then they stare and either consciously or subconsciously they are stimulated sexually in their brain and there is a chemical reaction. It is the SAME chemical reaction that takes place when they are REALLY HAVING SEX. So female nudity on any level (even scantily dressed women) makes a man’s chemicals get all crazy like he’s really having sex. Most men go ahead and masturbate to get the full effect. Yeah – I just said masturbate on my blog again.

The chemical reaction is what causes men to be so tempted to look at porn or to stare at the short skirt walking by. What men should do is “bounce” their eyes – look away. Don’t stare. Out of sight out of mind is true in this case. Bounce your eyes and you might be able to keep lustful thoughts (conscious or subconscious) out of your mind. It’s best to not ever see anything in the first place but it is almost impossible to watch TV without seeing something you don’t need to. Not to mention anywhere you go there is likely to be at least one woman dressed too provocative. Men – bounce the eyes.

It can be very difficult to resist the temptation to look and lust, but you’ve gotta do it men. Jesus says in Matthew 5:28 “anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Thus the title of this post – Eyes and Heart Adultery. All it takes is a short glance for your subconscious to generate sexual gratification from what you see with your eyes.

Read Every Man’s Battle. It talks about all the reasons we want to give in. We’re weak, we’re mad, we’re not being fulfilled by our wives…there are lots of excuses. Every Man’s Battle talks you through them. It’s a must read for all men cause you either are struggling or you know someone who is and you can help them. By the way – don’t fool yourself by justifying what you look at and/or telling yourself that you don’t have a problem or that it’s ok sometimes etc etc etc. Quit making excuses and address the problem – your eyes.

I’m liking this porn talk – it’s making me even stronger and more passionate about my own victory – it’s been over 2 years since I confessed and gave up porn. Thanks for the comments from yesterday. I appreciate the supportive words and hope that anything I write on here will encourage people to address the porn issue head on.

Filed Under: Faith, Personal Growth, Reading, Relationships

My History With Porn

April 30, 2007 by Leave a Comment

Before I get started I just want to mention that I’ve been organizing my thoughts for a while on how I want to discuss this subject. I’ve been praying for courage to share my story. Yesterday at NewSpring I was reaffirmed by Clayton King’s message (if anything ever happened to Perry I would love to see Clayton lead NewSpring). The message was on Tolerance vs. Truth. I was reaffirmed that what I’m about to do on this blog is very difficult for me but is tough love for some who might read it. It is time for me to be bold and truthful on the subject of porn.

My story, as I see fit to share it, is going to mess everyone up. I’m calling it My Porn History for a reason. If you only read G-rated material you should probably change the channel. There’s no profanity, but I put in to words what a lot of people are already thinking or wondering or just need to know.

I think I was about four or five years old the first time I remember seeing something inappropriate (porn). My sister and I were flipping satellite channels on TV (back when a satellite meant you had a NASA dish in your yard) before our parents came home from church – dad was the pastor, a typical one that is last to leave. We stopped on a channel that had a couple making out in the back seat of a car and it showed her shirt coming off. I saw boobs for the first time. I remember it vaguely like it was yesterday. Images are burned on our brains forever you know.

How does that make you feel dads? Think your boy isn’t noticing stuff?? My boy is four now and TV has gone way downhill in 25 years since I was four. I have to watch out for the Victoria‘s Secret commercial while my son is around so I can change the channel – it’s unbelievable. We can be play fighting or whatever – not even watching TV – and a commercial like that will come on and he will stop in his tracks and be glued to the TV. By the time I look up to notice what he’s looking at there is already a half naked woman in a suggestive pose. So I scurry for the remote to change the channel. What sucks is it’s too late because that image is burned on his brain forever.

Moving on… I hear parents joke about how kids “play doctor” or “show me yours and I’ll show you mine” kinda crap. I did all that too and looking back I don’t think it was funny – at all. Nobody believes that little boys do get erections – they’re little, but they’re erect. I remember nap time in kindergarten was play time for me and a little girl who had a much older sister (don’t ask me what the teacher was doing or why she didn’t stops us because I have no idea). Let’s just say the older sister had more experience than she needed (or it was an abuse situation) and the little sister had seen it. Not good – messed me up. I couldn’t understand why she wanted to kiss me there. Thank goodness she didn’t really know what she had seen her older sister doing.

Told you this is not G-rated, almost x-rated more like it. Is my story messing you up yet?

How about this – I was 12 the first time I saw hardcore porn. It was at a friends house. His mom was a hard working single mother and obviously didn’t know the influences her son was under much less the influence he was having on me. I couldn’t believe what I saw – it seemed so wrong.
I’m just thankful that kid accepted Christ at my church when we were teenagers and is one of my best friends to this day. Dad’s you think your son is too young to be affected by what he sees? I was 4 when exposed then 12 when violated – by porn.

It didn’t get any better – I was 13 the first time I had real sex. Clearly it wasn’t her first time (again – probably abused or neglected by her father). I was such a vicitm – yeah right. Just curious and naive because I had seen porn, my body was changing, and my parents probably thought I was innocent. I hadn’t done anything before – well at least not since nap time in kindergarten. I was still young and hadn’t experienced many sensations yet. I had no clue what I was doing, but I did have a condom – they’re easy to get. Anyway, It felt like I was about to pee in my pants – only I wasn’t in my pants – and it wasn’t pee. (ok I could have left that sick part out of it but it clearly illustrates that as a 13 yr old I obviously wasn’t ready for sex.) It happened so fast I couldn’t believe what all the sex-hype was about. I didn’t have sex again for about another year and a half, but something kept drawing me to the porn – a chemical reaction in my brain I guess. More on the chemical reaction in the next post.

All through my teen years I looked at porn, masturbated, and had sex with multiple girls. My dad knew it and I don’t think he knew how to deal with me about it. For a long time I wondered if he struggled with porn too or if he might have had similar experiences with girls when he was growing up. From an early age a lot of things felt wrong but my dad never really addressed any of it.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to sound like I’m blaming my dad or the girlfriends or anybody else – like those kids we see on TV blaming their teachers for having sex with them. Those punks aren’t stupid. They know right from wrong. I knew too, but I didn’t know how or really why I should resist wrong and do right in that area of my life. Most men don’t. That’s why I believe books like Every Man’s Battle and Every Young Man’s Battle are so important.

Even after marriage I continued with porn and masturbation. How’s that for transparency? Guilt overwhelmed me over time (God used Perry’s transparency and convicting words of truth to help me man up) and I confessed to my wife and best friend, begging them to forgive me for my failure. I was so relieved to get that secret sin out of my life but my wife was crushed. A long and painful healing and accountability process followed that I’m sure I will talk more about in future posts. Two books were a huge part of that process – Every Man’s Battle and Every Heart Restored .

This is my story. Be it better or worse than others’ stories I don’t know. I love hearing pastors or anyone speak out on this subject openly and unafraid but I’ve yet to hear any of them tell their story this detailed. I hope the graphic details of my story strike a broader audience of women, parents, and porn viewers, because this isn’t an issue for only struggling men to be worried about. I definitely feel I’m qualified to write on this subject and however harsh my words sound please know that I’m writing from a broken but forgiven, loving, and passionate perspective. Please stop looking at porn.

Filed Under: Faith, Personal Growth, Reading

Pornography – Get Accoutability

April 27, 2007 by Leave a Comment

Where do I start? I don’t know if I’ve ever written about this on my blog before, so here it goes…

Once again I’ll mention Perry because he mentions pornography very frequently on his blog and from the stage while he’s preaching. He even wore a shirt this past Sunday that said “GOD IS WATCHING YOU DOWNLOAD THAT PORN”. It was appropriate because the message was on character and quite frankly people who look at porn do so because they have character flaws. I want to save character for another post though. I want to talk about porn right now.

This will probably be a multi-post because I could actually write a book on this subject. It used to be very difficult for me to talk about pornography because I was guilty – I was looking at it. That’s right – I used to look at porn. I’m not proud of it but I’m forgiven. Trust me I know how you feel if you’re struggling with porn. I’ve been there and I think I know what you need – aside from a good relationship with Jesus Christ.

You need accountability. You need a good friend you can trust to share your burden and hold you accountable. I know you’re dying to come clean and stop. You’ve even tried on your own several times. You can’t do it alone! Swallow your pride and share that burden. If you don’t think you have a friend you can trust that much you’re probably wrong.

There is a great book every man should read called “Every Mans Battle”. I should probably just go through that book again and post notes on here like I did for the Five Love Languages. But for now I’m just gonna wing it – from my perspective and my own memory bank of what I’ve learned. If you are struggling with porn I can tell you some things probably going on inside you right now:

  • You’re ashamed.
  • You think you’re alone.
  • You feel weak.
  • You’ve lost hope.
  • You’re in a viscious cycle.

I could do a separate post on every line of that list (maybe that’s the first five chapters of my book). What I want to get through to people who look at porn and want to stop is the fact that you CAN NOT do it alone. You have to have some accountability. Here are some quick guidelines you might use to start thinking about and selecting who you want your accountability partner to be:

  • Someone you trust.
  • Someone who understands (most men do because they’re either going through it or they’ve already been through it).
  • Someone who will share your desire to stop. It can’t be someone who is just ok with you looking at porn. It needs to be someone who doesn’t judge you, but even if you’re both struggling you share the same conviction and both want to be better so you fight the battle (share the burden) together.
  • Someone who will commit to challenge you and accept challenges from you.
  • You might need more than one.

There are so many ways to do accountability on this matter also. The internet is by far the worst porn vehicle invented by man, but it can be monitored. There are softwares out there you and your accountability partner can purchase and use to hold each other accountable. Maybe I’ll mention some specific ones in later posts. Lenny and I used a software for a long time to hold me accountable. It worked. I knew I couldn’t lie about what came up when Lenny checked that software…
Anyway… In future posts I’m going to tell more of my story concerning all this. I’m going to elaborate on the first list of bullets in this post. Who knows what all I might write. I’m probably going to mess some people up who read this. I’m probably going to refer to some books that have helped Shawna and me.
I haven’t even touched on what it does to your wife, or future wife, or what she needs to know about it to help you get through it and help you deal with the struggle from now til you kick the bucket (it never goes away – haven’t you seen dirty old men staring at young women). I’ll talk more about all this. It’s gonna take several posts to say it all and neither you nor I have time to cover it all in one day.
Have a Great Weekend.

Filed Under: Faith, Personal Growth

Genetics

April 26, 2007 by Leave a Comment

This is an interesting article about genetic advances. I’ve read a little about this in other places to know it is true. Check it out and then see my notes at the bottom.

Your Genetic Code Is Not Carved in Stone
By Al Sears, MD

New research is revealing how your environment actually changes your genetics – and it’s putting you in the driver’s seat.

In November, the Children’s Hospital Oakland Research Institute released the results of their groundbreaking study. They found that a mother’s diet during pregnancy not only affects her child, but also her child’s offspring.
This means that the lifestyle choices a woman makes can affect several generations of children – a revolutionary idea that flies in the face of conventional wisdom.

For more than 150 years – since the time of Darwin – scientists have believed that any changes to an organism cannot be passed on to the next generation. According to strict Darwinism, if you were to change your diet, lose weight, and become super-fit, your children would not benefit from your efforts. But we now know there is something more at play: the “epigenome.” The epigenome plays a powerful role in your health… and could make the difference between whether or not you “inherit” heart disease or diabetes or something else.

Scientists in an emerging field of research – epigenetics – have discovered that your genes are only 15 percent of the total genetic material you get from your parents. For example, your genes give you many individualizing traits like blue eyes or brown hair. The remaining 85 percent – the epigenome – is a scaffolding of proteins that surround your DNA’s double-helix pattern.

As it turns out, this “scaffolding” functions as an interface that interacts with your environment. Based on the lifestyle choices you make, the epigenome has the power to turn genes on or off, changing the way your body translates your genetic coding into the proteins that make up YOU.

The Children’s Hospital Oakland study, lead by Dr. David Martin, split genetically identical pregnant mice into two groups. The mice had been bred in a way that gave the scientists the ability to monitor a gene that determined both the color of their coats and their tendency to develop chronic disease. So, by tracking coat color, they were able to follow the effects of vitamin supplementation across two generations of offspring.

The first group of mice received a standard diet. The second group received the same diet, with the added benefit of supplemental vitamin B12, folate, choline, and zinc. When the babies were born, the females from both groups were mated and fed identical diets with no supplements. When the offspring gave birth, Dr. Martin’s team discovered that the original mice that had the diet with extra vitamins passed the benefits on to both their children and grandchildren.

Findings like these have powerful implications in both directions. It means that, by making healthy choices, your efforts can have a positive effect not only on your children but on your grandchildren as well. On the other hand, a diet of fast food and sodas will not only wreck your own health, it could predispose future generations to chronic diseases like obesity, diabetes, and heart disease.

That helps to explain why so many schoolchildren suffer from high blood pressure and low HDL (good cholesterol). The poor dietary choices their parents made are coming home to roost.
This discovery gives us new insight into a long-standing debate between Charles Darwin and a guy you may never have heard of – French naturalist Jean-Baptiste Lamarck.

Darwin‘s theory, which has been shaping the direction of modern science, can be summed up in a few words: Genes cannot be affected by the outside world. In other words, your lifestyle choices have no effect on your genetic code or how those genes are expressed.

But Lamarck believed that if an organism changes during its life in order to adapt to its environment, those changes would be passed on to its offspring – and Dr. Martin’s study is one of several that are proving he was correct.

So, guess what? It looks like you’re no longer a “victim” of your genetic programming. If, for example, if you decide to exercise vigorously to develop new muscle, it now appears that it’s possible for you to pass on a predisposition to build muscle with exercise to your children… and perhaps even further down your line of descendants.

Conscious decisions to improve your health will interact with your epigenome. In turn, the proteins in your epigenome can turn off genes that would have otherwise expressed themselves as disease in your descendents.
Instead of the old model, think of your genetic code as a library. You have thousands of choices, but you never check out all of the books. The epigenome interacts with your environment and your choices to determine which books to “read.”

You can actually “talk” to your genes to improve your health and prevent disease.

I hope you appreciate the power of that last statement. It means you no longer have to live in fear of disease – even if you have a family history of it.

Vitamins like E, C, and A send messages to your genes that normalize cell division. This alone can aid in preventing many forms of cancer.

For vitamins E and C, I recommend taking more than the U.S. government suggests. Start with 100 IUs of vitamin E and 2,000 mg of vitamin C daily.

Here are four other nutrients that powerfully support detoxification and proper genetic expression:

Vitamin B12: 500 to 1,000 mcg daily

Folic acid: 500 to 1,000 mcg daily

Vitamin B6: 10 to 20 mg daily

Betaine: 200 to 1,000 mg daily

Don’t sit back and allow “bad genes” to ruin your health. Take action and make yourself and future generations healthier.

I know you can get those vitamins in a lot of places, but the ones I take are here. These health articles I post are usually totally unrelated to our online business or the products we offer (I read them from a newsletter with no ties), but the articles are so consistent with the benefits our products offer that I have to share how to get what I consider the best health products on the market.

There is also a couple of genetic tests we offer. One helps you identify whether or not you have problems with specific genes that give you a predisposition for heart disease. Another helps you identify how your body absorbs B-vitamins which greatly affect your health. You can find those tests, Gensona tests, here. These tests aren’t cheap, but they’re worth it if you really want to take action to make your future offspring healthier.

Filed Under: Health

"Confidentiality"

April 25, 2007 by Leave a Comment

I don’t want every post I do this week to be somehow linked to Perry, but the dude was on a roll Sunday and several writing points hit me while he was speaking. One of the things he said was about peoples’ general misconception about Pastor “confidentiality”.

People think they can come and have confession with the pastor and just spill the beans about anything to get it off their chest and seek forgiveness from God. They think the pastor is bound to confidentiality like a lawyers’ client confidentiality. The TRUTH is they are not bound to keep anything confidential – especially when crime is involved. In fact they are legally bound to alert authorities anytime they gain knowledge of illegal activity. This doesn’t make it any easier on people who are sinning and breaking the law and want to confess, but just because someone wants to confess doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have to pay the consequences.

If abuse of any kind is involved they should be glad they don’t get their butt kicked before the police are called. If the person is suicidal, doing drugs, etc – they really need help. Think about a minister’s perspective – can you imagine how awful it would be to find out that somebody died the day after one of these “confidential” conversations?

I think the myth of pastor confidentiality should apply to freindships too. If someone is having an affair that crap can’t be kept confidential. People are going to be hurt no matter what in a situation like that – might as well be sooner than later. It needs to be told. I’ve seen friendships of many years ripped to shreds because of people who knew about affairs and kept it a secret. People who weren’t even directly involved torn to pieces because they lost trust in the person who should have held their friend accountable.

I could go on and on about this all day and tell a lot of stories, but I’m going to save a more specific accountability post for later this week…

Filed Under: Faith, Relationships

Locker Room Modesty

April 24, 2007 by Leave a Comment

OK, I’ve been extremely busy and haven’t had time to post, but I’ve got a lot I want to write about. My thoughts are starting to come together so there will be more posts this week. But first I want to elaborate on something Perry said at church this past Sunday.

I don’t even remember how it came up in his sermon but Perry mentioned how men run around at the YMCA locker room naked. Normally Perry makes his points pretty clear but I want to go a step further than he did with this one cause I think he would agree but he didn’t have time to make this one of the points in his sermon.

We’re not talking underwear naked or towel naked. We’re talking butt naked. I can hear some of the high school comments now – “you gotta be proud of what you got” or “why are you looking”. Or there are some mature adult comments like “we’re all grown men” or “I stopped worrying about that when I was in the military” (cause they have to take big group showers and everybody sees everybody naked).

My response to the high school comments – just shut up! Or I could give them a high school response “it’s not the size but how many times you can make it rise”. As for the why are you looking comment – don’t tell me you don’t notice stuff floppin by at eye level while you’re trying to put your shoes on. During busy times you gotta be watching out or you might turn around and get a face full of a big hairy butt. Nasty old men can’t bend at the knees so they just stand there butt naked and bend at the waist to put their socks on first. PUT ON YOUR FREAKIN FRUIT OF THE LOOMS – NOW!!! That’s what I feel like saying.

My response to the mature comments. Yes, we’re all men. So you should be able to handle this criticism like a man. Put your drawers on! I feel like cramin your naked butt in one of those lockers to teach you what your mama didn’t. You just don’t walk around naked amongst people you don’t know.

That brings me to the military one where you DO walk around naked amonst people you don’t know. It’s not much different from the many years I played football. You might not know everyone well but you’re all there for the same reason, there is a brotherhood among fellow soldiers that makes it quite different, you’re all in shape in the military (or at least much better shape than most of the naked butts at the Y), and last but not least – YOU’RE NOT JUST STANDING AROUND TALKING!! In the military you don’t just stand around naked and talk. You get your shower and get dressed. You’ve probably got a time limit. At the Y these old wrinkly butt (at this point I’m dying to say the other word) men are standing around the scale talking about their garden or their job, all types of conversations. I wouldn’t be surprised to see some of those guys having a meeting in there one day – butt naked.

Here’s the deal. Old and young naked men alike. I ain’t no peach to see naked either, and I’d be more comfortable letting it all hang free too. But I’m respectful enough of other folks comfort and peace of mind to keep myself covered up – cause you don’t know me from Adam. (Speaking of Adam, him and Eve are the ones who made nakedness such a big deal.) Since I’m a man I can offer a solution to this problem you’ve got – works well for me. Follow this simple 10 step approach in the locker room:

1.    come in from your workout
2.    take your clothes off, all but your underwear
3.    take your towel and bath items to the shower (still wearing your underwear)
4.    take off your underwear at the shower
5.    now naked, take your shower (but close the curtain AND the door)
6.    get out of shower and dry off with your towel.
7.    This step is where a lot of men fail. Read closely. WRAP THE TOWEL AROUND YOUR WAIST (This should be done BEFORE you leave the shower area. Don’t wait until you’ve already walked through and bumped in to a half dozen innocent victims putting their shoes on)
8.    Go back to the locker / dressing area. (towel STILL around your waist).
9.    get out your underwear and begin putting them on with your towel still around your waist (most men should be able to get their feet in the underwear and pull them up to the knee – so you should be halfway to almost modest at this point)
10. Last but not least, QUICKLY drop the towel, pull your underwear the rest of the way up, and go about your business. You should have underwear on at this point and everyone else can handle seeing your almost naked body, as nasty as it probably is, better than we could have if you didn’t have on the underwear.

You have successfully acheived almost modest (total modest would be going home to take your shower) by minimizing the amount of exposure to everyone what no one wants to see. Go on now, talk to your buddy about the weather or politics or whatever. Have a meeting – I don’t care. Would you like some coffee – I’ll get it for you. JUST LEAVE YOUR DRAWERS ON!

Filed Under: Misc Tagged With: ,

Premarital Class – 2

April 20, 2007 by Leave a Comment

I thought about just writing out the bullets from the class notes, but I won’t do that. Maybe later I’ll just do several individual posts related to the content of the class and put my weak spin on it with some stories about Shawna and I. For now I want to focus on the role I’ve been asked to do which is observe and give feedback. So here are some random thoughts I’ve been having.

Session 2
Session 2 was just as good as session 1 in terms of content. I’m not sure I’ve gotten over the thought that the message isn’t really getting through to some of the young naive engaged couples, but I’m still hopeful that it is.

One interesting thing Jake did this time was have everyone stand up and introduce themselves and tell about their first date and when they got engaged. I must say I think our story was the best first date. Couldn’t believe some of the McDonald’s and Wendy’s and dorm room movie stories for first dates. It is more common than I would have ever imagined for a couple to do something so lame on a first date. I would have never taken a girl to McDonald’s on a first date. Maybe there is more to the story and it wasn’t as lame as they told it.

Our First Date
We didn’t even tell our first date story as good as it really was. It was that mythical falling in love experience. We ate at Olive Garden then went to the Chattanooga Choo Choo and walked around before taking a horse and buggy ride through the city. After that we went to Stake n Shake for a milk shake and we just sat and talked for a long time…. It was all lovy dovy from there.

Interesting Couples
Back to the class. There are a couple of pairs in there who I can tell are more experienced and very serious about the class. They are a few years older and seem to have either more dating experience or more pain in their past. In one couples case I want to say the pain is becuase of bad dating experience. In the other couples case it seems more like there might be a divorce in one of their history or maybe they came from a broken and divorced home when they were growing up.

I don’t know these couples I’m talking about so this is pure speculation, but one of them had an obvious red flag. If I could talk to him one on one I would want to get to know him a bit to learn the situation, but somewhere in the conversation I would probably have to tell him… Dude – that woman needs your commitment. Get over your past or whatever is causing your pathetic fear of commitment and marry her or let her move on.

Surveys & Homework
Another thing that is good about the class is the take home surveys and homework for both individuals and the couples together to work on. I talked to one couple who says the surveys are tough because they reveal both your good AND BAD stuff about yourself. That’s good because once you both know each other knows your good and bad then you can start working through it.

Mine and Shawna’s premarriage counselling was primarily ONLY a survey. There was no class to lecture us on God’s purpose and plan for marriage or to show us how to communicate, handle money, and resolve conflict. Just a survey. It was a good survey but it wasn’t enough.

Maybe we should talk about the surveys in the class time. The class is scheduled for 2 hours and Jake is really trying to find how to get everthing in to the 4 – 2 hour sessions. But I think it will be important in the future to try and make some time for couples to talk about the surveys in a small group setting or with a mentor (both are ideas Jake is already thinking about). I think making it to where couples can get to know someone with some experience and talk through things with their help and guidance will be good.

Suzanne – Jake’s wife, does a wonderful job bringing the women’s perspective. She is very honest and transparent in communicating with the ladies. She pours out a ton of short thoughts and tips that in my opinion the women should be scribbling down as fast as their hands can write – Lord knows I’m writing down the man’s stuff as fast as I can. Anyway, Suzanne’s talks are very good just as Jake’s are.

One thing Suzanne said that I think is right on the money was “Some of this stuff might be more relevant to you about six months AFTER you’ve been married”. That’s what I’ve been trying to say about getting through the goo goo eyes. Some people might get it and remember in six months all the stuff they’re hearing now, but others will put the materials aside and forget all about it. I think scheduled follow ups with couples, or the idea of mentoring and accountability, or something for about a year or two AFTER marriage would be a huge plus for the “pre”marital ministry.

We’ll see how it all comes together and evolves in to another great way NewSpring does ministry.

Filed Under: Faith, Relationships
« Previous Page
Next Page »