My Thoughts In Blog Form - Mark Asbell

Giving as a Sign of Living

September 17, 2013 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

Giving can be one outward indicator of where our hearts are with the resources God has blessed us with. If we’re not giving then we’re not really living out God’s calling for our life. Signs of giving can be an indicator of how someone is living, but it is important to also have good character and motivation behind giving because outward giving could just as well be a sign of boastful living.

Matthew 6:1-4 says outward giving can be self-honoring, or hypocritical, and there is no reward for that in heaven. This is something I have to keep in check as I use giving examples from my own life as teaching or encouragement to others for their life, but I never want to do that in a boastful way or with self-honor as the motivation. Outward giving can truly be a form of pride and, unfortunately, it is for many people.

2 Corinthians 9:7 says giving should be from our heart and done cheerfully rather than reluctantly or from compulsion. That word “compulsion” can take on many forms that include the outward, or prideful, motivations for giving. Giving truly is a heart issue and I believe if our heart is right about it the outward signs might have more to do with attitude than dollar signs.

Here are some questions we can ask our self before giving that might help us reveal our motivation and keep our heart in check:

Am I giving to draw attention from man or to further God’s kingdom and strengthen my relationship with Him?
Am I comparing my giving to what others are giving or am I deciding in my heart what is right for me to give regardless of what others are doing?
Am I giving because I want to be noticed by or gain influence with the person or organization receiving the gift or because I believe in my heart that the person or organization is furthering God’s kingdom?
A good way to sum up all three questions might be: If no one other than God knew how much I’m giving or where I’m giving it would I still do it?

I hope you’re being obedient and faithful in giving what God has put in your heart to give, and I trust your motivation for the outward signs is pure.

For more of my thoughts on the subject of giving, as well as saving and spending, check out this brand new ebook – God Centered Finances. You’ll have to trust me that the proceeds are going to a worthy cause 🙂

Filed Under: Faith, Money

5 Big Things Couples Fight About

September 6, 2013 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

It would be impossible to list ALL the things couples fight about, so here is a quick rundown of 5 big ones that can cause tremendous strain on a marriage:

Money – It is an every day part of life that affects everything whether we want it to or not. Each spouse approaches money differently – different attitudes, experiences, personalities, habits, knowledge, ability, this list could go on and on. Those differences in how money is managed can create daily conflict.
Sex – It should be a frequent part of married life that affects pretty much everything because of the intimacy it is supposed to create between us. So the conflict arises over frequency and satisfaction. (that needs a whole lot of explanation I’m not going in to with this post)
Kids – If you’re doing the above I can tell you from experience that kids are highly likely to happen. Then each spouse approaches raising them differently, how to love, discipline, provide, and teach them.
Family – Each spouse has differences on their “side” of the family, and that affects the marriage. How involved the extended family is, where holidays and special occasions are spent, and how to prioritize the needs of the immediate family and extended family so that neither ends up totally neglected.
Career – The type of work we do, the amount of time we work, where we have to live or move to do that work, the people we work with, the opportunity it creates or passes by, the financial return for the work. Each spouse sees these things differently and the career decisions we make affect each other no matter how “independently awesome” we think we are.

Does this list look pretty accurate as 5 biggies that affect marriage greatly? Just because I listed them in that order doesn’t mean that is the order you’re experiencing them in. But I strongly believe it makes sense for most couples to deal with them in that order. The key is turning these points of friction in to productive opportunities to communicate and cooperate with one another in a way that strengthens our relationship rather than weaken it.

Filed Under: Family, Money, Relationships

Leading Money

August 13, 2013 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

I heard a pastor friend of mine say, “If I LOVE money it will lead me. If I LEAD money it will serve me.” The following came to mind as I thought about that powerful statement. Here are three simple thoughts to expand a little bit on the idea of leading money:

To lead money I must know where I’m going. We must have a plan and the plan must move us in the direction of the hopes, dreams, and calling in our life. Where are you going?
To lead money I must tell it where to go…all the time. Telling our money where to go on a regular basis is called budgeting, and that is not a dirty word. Do you have a budget?
To lead money I must know where it is going…all the time. We must know if our money is going where we told it to or we won’t know if we’re making progress towards the hopes, dreams, and calling in our life. Are you tracking where your money is going?

Most people are not doing any of those three effectively. But the one I find people are most undisciplined at doing is knowing where their money is going…all the time. It isn’t that difficult to dream big dreams and write them down. It usually isn’t even that difficult to put together a budget that makes sense to get to those dreams. But sticking to that plan and tracking to make sure the money is doing what we told it to is the most difficult thing we have to do. It’s constant, tedious, and frustrating. But it’s totally worth it.

I prefer Quicken. How do you track your money? Please take a minute to tell me – it’s anonymous.

Filed Under: Money

Some Simple Thoughts on Respect and Love

July 30, 2013 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

Read Ephesians 5 where it talks about wives respect and husbands love…

Today I just had some quick thoughts that put the respect and love dynamic in to some simple modern day marriage situations, so I thought I’d jot them down real quick.

Wives – don’t expect him to come home from work and do more work at home than you’re willing to do.

Husbands – don’t expect to come home from work and plop down in front of the TV while she does all the work.

Wives – don’t expect him to spend less time watching football than you do watching Facebook and TLC.

Husbands – don’t expect sex from her if there is a pile of laundry and dishes to do and you didn’t even help put the kids to bed.

Wives – don’t expect him to put the kids to bed and do the laundry and dishes and mow the lawn and clean the floor and toilets and give you a mani-pedi and a back rub in order for you to be in the mood.

Husbands – don’t expect her to respect you if you are never showing love to her. You don’t do date night – she don’t do sexy time. You don’t do dishes – she don’t wash your nasty underwear. You don’t do deep, open, honest, meaningful conversations – she don’t do uplifting and encouraging affirmation of your leadership of the family. (bad use of “don’t” for emphasis) But wives! Just because I wrote those things doesn’t mean that’s how it has to go. Try doing your side of all those statements even if he doesn’t do his side of all those statements and see what happens.

Wives – don’t expect him to love you if you are never showing respect to him. You don’t do sexy time – he don’t do dishes. You don’t affirm his leadership of the family – he don’t do deep conversation. You don’t do football watching – he don’t do chick flick watching. (bad use of “don’t” for emphasis) But husbands! Just because I wrote those things doesn’t mean that’s how it has to go. Try doing your side of all those statements even if she doesn’t do her side of all those statements and see what happens.

Do you see the pattern of give and take? It’s called compromise. It’s never fair, but it works. Shawna always says “Fair” is a place people ride rides. Stop expecting life to be fair. Give and see what your spouse will give in return. Then don’t be afraid to take it. If this dynamic gets too one sided have a healthy heart to heart to get to the bottom of it and try to improve.

Filed Under: Relationships

Lead In Building Relationship

July 23, 2013 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

Husbands should lead, and that includes building relationship with our wives. Dude, when is the last time you had a date night? If we’re not spending time developing the relationship we have with our wife then it is pretty much impossible for us to be the trusted leader of our family.

What is getting in the way? Are you giving her the cold shoulder because she was mean or disrespectful about something to you? I understand – I’ve been there. But you gotta get over it and lead her to a place where you can work through that and work on the relationship anyway. If she continues to treat you wrong that is on her and she will have to answer to God. You’ve gotta do what you’re called to do. Lead whether she likes it or not. How do you even know she’s not already wishing you would?

Daddy’s, we should lead in building relationship with our kids. It isn’t easy. It’s even awkward at times. But they need to know us. They need our love and influence in their life. They aren’t going to lead us in building that relationship. Our wives shouldn’t have to force us to build that relationship. We should seek and build that relationship as the leader of our family.

It’s so easy for us to become complacent with those who love us most, which makes it easy for those relationships to suffer. I have to pray all the time that God will show me ways to be intentional in leading the relationships in my life that are most important to me. All men should do that – even men who are not married or have kids yet because one day you hopefully will.

Bottom line – the man is supposed to be the leader so the man should take the lead in building relationships, knowing that it will help the marriage and family accomplish more in so many ways spiritually, relationally, and financially.

Filed Under: Faith, Family, Personal Growth, Relationships

Husbands Should Lead

July 23, 2013 by Mark Asbell 1 Comment

That statement offends feminists but I don’t care. God’s design is for husbands to lead the marriage. It’s how he wired male and female and commanded husbands to lead the family spiritually. Part of that is prayer, reading the word, and making decisions about life that honor God. That decision part is where we get our panties in a wad. Ladies don’t want to be in a position of dependence or submission to a man – they want to be independent and make their own decisions. I understand that and I’m not suggesting ladies don’t have a say. Good leaders (husbands) listen to others before making a decision, especially their wife (hopefully they’re a Godly wife).

I’m also not suggesting ladies can’t be leaders. They can lead lots of things. Just not their husband spiritually. God’s design is for husbands to lead.

Here are some of the general reasons I believe husbands who aren’t leading aren’t doing so:

* their wife won’t let them
* their wife doesn’t respect them
* they’re lazy
* they don’t have accountability
* they don’t even have a relationship with Jesus or the Biblical guidance to start with

When I’m coaching couples I know he’s not leading if:

* He has no clue about the financials because she handles it all
* They indicate that they never go on date night
* Either of them has a hobby that dominates their time and/or money
* The kids dominate their time and/or money
* They can’t remember the last time they prayed together or read anything Biblical together

Some are thinking “we’re different” or “we’re the exception” or something along those lines. No you’re not. There’s a lady reading this who thinks their husband is just not the leader type or it’s just not his personality. This isn’t a personality thing and I’m not talking about the perception all the leadership guru crap of our culture has created. That husband is called to lead. They may have been beat down for years with unreasonable expectations, lack of patience, and general disrespect by you or other family, friends, or bosses. But there is a man inside there somewhere that is called to lead his family.

Filed Under: Faith, Family, Money, Personal Growth, Relationships

The Heart of a Teacher

July 17, 2013 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

Has anyone ever asked you the question, “What is the one thing you would do every day if you could?” When I was seriously challenged with that question recently I couldn’t help but default to a generic answer that I feel didn’t get the point across.

I’ve thought a lot about what am I excited about, passionate about, and what has God been preparing me to do for him. The one thing that I love to do is teach. Not as in school teacher, not even class-style of any type necessarily. I love equipping others to do more than they were able to do before.

When I was really challenged with the question I couldn’t think of anything else to say except something that came out like this, “teach – if I could do the same thing every day it would just be teach.” What I meant by that is way more broad than how I said it. If I could say it again I might list some ways to apply the heart of a teacher:

large group teaching
1 on 1 teaching
teaching others to teach
social media and web engagement with people
all things related to writing and material development for teaching
development of all things technology related to teaching delivery methods
leading group efforts to make it all excellent (because I can’t do ALL the stuff it takes to make all that excellent)

Maybe next time I’m presented with a question like that I’ll be better prepared to answer. Now if I can just find a way to make everything I currently do more geared toward the heart I have for teaching and helping people…

Filed Under: Business, Personal Growth

Telling Money and Kids What To Do

July 1, 2013 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

I’ve always loved the general idea of telling money where it will go rather than wondering where it went. The last time I heard that said it made me think of parenting for whatever reason.

Just think about it. We tell our kids what to do or where to go and then expect them to obey. Their level of understanding and obedience determine the outcome of that instruction and we might have to correct their behavior. But money has no mind of it’s own. The outcome of our instruction to our money is dependent on our own level of understanding and obedience. So here’s a couple of general ideas that are both applicable to money and kids:

Be Specific: When telling the kids what to do or where to go it can’t be general. It has to be specific. You don’t say, “clean up the house” or “go down the street”. You say, “clean up the floor in your room” or “go to Johnny’s house” (unless you’re just telling your kids to take a hike as in get lost before I break your little neck). The same is true with money. You can’t just say, “this money is for food expense and this money is for auto expense”. You have to say, “x amount is for groceries and x amount is for dining out” and “x amount is for gasoline and x amount is for insurance”.
Make it EZ: When telling kids what to do it has to be easy for them to understand. You can’t use a phrase I’ve used before, “I at least want to be able to walk through your room for a change”. Otherwise they will push it all around until there is literally a small path. A better instruction is, “Everything on the floor needs to be picked up and put where it belongs so that the floor is clear of all toys & clothes”. With money there is a simple formula that is easy to follow. “Income – Outgo = Exactly Zero”. My friend Joe came up with the silly idea that the E from Exactly and the Z from Zero make budgeting “EZ”, but the general idea is true. When we use that formula to plan every dollar in to giving, saving, and spending categories it makes it so much easier to control where the money actually goes so we don’t have to wonder where it went.

Next time you find yourself wondering where the money went think of yourself like you think of your kids when they don’t follow the plan, and ask yourself the question, “Did I make a specific and EZ plan for the dollars I’m missing, and did I obey those instructions?”

Filed Under: Family, Money

Be Careful When You Cheat

June 4, 2013 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

It’s not what you think. The context I’m talking about “cheating” in is not one we normally think of. I’m not referring to cheating on a relationship, in a game, or ay other type of contest. I’m talking about cheating on plans.

How’s that diet and exercise plan going right now? How’s that spend more time doing things you love plan going? How’s that financial plan going? Have you cheated on any of these lately? It’s ok – really! I’m not beating anyone up for cheating. I can cheat on diet and exercise with the best of them (not to mention other things). But the problem we all have to be careful of is cheating on plans without planning to compensate.

For example – ideally if I eat something that wasn’t part of my diet plan I’ll add something to the exercise plan to compensate for it. When I use my time for something other than I planned to use it for ideally I can make up that time somewhere else so that I still accomplish the things important to me. When we cheat on our budget and use funds intended for one category for another category, we should make up for that in another category.

It’s no secret that most people lack the discipline to stick to every plan perfectly. Our minds change. We lose focus. Our motivation wavers in moments of weakness. But we must accept that when we don’t follow the plan something is going to compensate whether we want it to or not. If I blow up the diet I’m going to have to exercise more or fall short of the fitness goal I want to accomplish (or let it take more time). If I skip quality time with my family I have to make time available to replace that or miss out on those moments forever. If I spend money on eating out that wasn’t in the plan I won’t have as much money as I wanted to have for vacation (or it will take longer to save it).

The common denominator in any of those scenarios is time – the great equalizer. All plans require time. We can either stick to the plan, compensate, or accept that the goal will take more time. The easiest option is to avoid the discipline of sticking to a plan and simply accept that reaching goals will take more time. Why rush goals when I can eat what I want now, make urgent what seems urgent now, and buy whatever I want now? Just accepting that goals will take more time enables us to cheat on plans without compensating. It enables us to lack discipline.

It is the lack of discipline to stick to plans or compensate and adjust to changed plans appropriately that makes so many people fall short of their hopes, plans and dreams. A little cheat here and a little cheat there never hurt anybody…until it adds up over time into a mountain of lost opportunities. So be careful when you cheat – it could cost you something you can’t get back, time.

Filed Under: Health, Money, Relationships

“I” Is Selfish

April 9, 2013 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

For some reason the past couple of months I haven’t been able to shake thoughts about selfishness and greed, so I’m gonna get some of these thoughts out in the open in case they somehow offer perspective someone needs to read.

We all have a selfish nature. It can take a very intentional effort to not let that selfish nature define who we are and how we interact or relate to others. It gets on my nerves to hear people use the word “I” so much – especially when they begin every sentence with it. Using the word I so much is a sign of selfishness. Just listen to how it sounds. “I did…”, “I got…”, “I have…”, “I accomplished…”, “I earned…”, and in summary “I am awesome in my own not so humble opinion”. That’s basically how some people sound to me, and it’s just ridiculous.

A business communication class in college taught me to avoid using “I” so much, particularly as the first word in a sentence – probably because it sounds so self-centered. My parents had a very good one-line tough-love statement they used to teach me about selfishness. Any time I would selfishly fight to get my way my parents would simply remind me, “The world doesn’t revolve around you son.” Now I find myself using that line sometimes with my own children. It’s a very good lesson!

This general use of selfish language and mentality might be the problem in a lot of our relationships and marriages. Our friends might be annoyed by our constant focus on ourself, particularly through how we speak “I” constantly. There might be a communication disconnect between spouses that neither is even aware of, and it could be because one or both are constantly using the word “I” and “me”. Just think about that for a second. In the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman one of the love languages is words of affirmation. It’s kinda hard to be affirming to someone else with words when all we ever talk about is “I” and “me”.

Try this:

Take the focus off yourself for two seconds and think about someone else. I mean really THINK about them.
Now think of a sentence that starts with “you” and ends with something good to say about that person.
Now look at them and say the sentence you’re thinking. Yes – say it out loud.

Doesn’t that feel nice?

Filed Under: Family, Personal Growth, Relationships