Telling Money and Kids What To Do

I’ve always loved the general idea of telling money where it will go rather than wondering where it went.  The last time I heard that said it made me think of parenting for whatever reason.

Just think about it.  We tell our kids what to do or where to go and then expect them to obey.  Their level of understanding and obedience determine the outcome of that instruction and we might have to correct their behavior.  But money has no mind of it’s own.  The outcome of our instruction to our money is dependent on our own level of understanding and obedience.  So here’s a couple of general ideas that are both applicable to money and kids:

  • Be Specific: When telling the kids what to do or where to go it can’t be general.  It has to be specific.  You don’t say, “clean up the house” or “go down the street”.  You say, “clean up the floor in your room” or “go to Johnny’s house” (unless you’re just telling your kids to take a hike as in get lost before I break your little neck).  The same is true with money.  You can’t just say, “this money is for food expense and this money is for auto expense”.  You have to say, “x amount is for groceries and x amount is for dining out” and “x amount is for gasoline and x amount is for insurance”.
  • Make it EZ:  When telling kids what to do it has to be easy for them to understand.  You can’t use a phrase I’ve used before, “I at least want to be able to walk through your room for a change”.  Otherwise they will push it all around until there is literally a small path.  A better instruction is, “Everything on the floor needs to be picked up and put where it belongs so that the floor is clear of all toys & clothes”.  With money there is a simple formula that is easy to follow.  “Income – Outgo = Exactly Zero”.  My friend Joe came up with the silly idea that the E from Exactly and the Z from Zero make budgeting “EZ”, but the general idea is true.  When we use that formula to plan every dollar in to giving, saving, and spending categories it makes it so much easier to control where the money actually goes so we don’t have to wonder where it went.

Next time you find yourself wondering where the money went think of yourself like you think of your kids when they don’t follow the plan, and ask yourself the question, “Did I make a specific and EZ plan for the dollars I’m missing, and did I obey those instructions?”

“I” Is Selfish

For some reason the past couple of months I haven’t been able to shake thoughts about selfishness and greed, so I’m gonna get some of these thoughts out in the open in case they somehow offer perspective someone needs to read.

We all have a selfish nature.  It can take a very intentional effort to not let that selfish nature define who we are and how we interact or relate to others.  It gets on my nerves to hear people use the word “I” so much – especially when they begin every sentence with it.  Using the word I so much is a sign of selfishness.  Just listen to how it sounds.  “I did…”, “I got…”, “I have…”, “I accomplished…”, “I earned…”, and in summary “I am awesome in my own not so humble opinion”.  That’s basically how some people sound to me, and it’s just ridiculous.

A business communication class in college taught me to avoid using “I” so much, particularly as the first word in a sentence – probably because it sounds so self-centered.  My parents had a very good one-line tough-love statement they used to teach me about selfishness.  Any time I would selfishly fight to get my way my parents would simply remind me, “The world doesn’t revolve around you son.”  Now I find myself using that line sometimes with my own children.  It’s a very good lesson!

This general use of selfish language and mentality might be the problem in a lot of our relationships and marriages.  Our friends might be annoyed by our constant focus on ourself, particularly through how we speak “I” constantly.  There might be a communication disconnect between spouses that neither is even aware of, and it could be because one or both are constantly using the word “I” and “me”.  Just think about that for a second.  In the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman one of the love languages is words of affirmation.  It’s kinda hard to be affirming to someone else with words when all we ever talk about is “I” and “me”.

Try this:

  1. Take the focus off yourself for two seconds and think about someone else. I mean really THINK about them.
  2. Now think of a sentence that starts with “you” and ends with something good to say about that person.
  3. Now look at them and say the sentence you’re thinking.  Yes – say it out loud.

Doesn’t that feel nice?

Why I’m Happy For Toby Mac

In case you haven’t heard the awesome news, Toby Mac just topped the billboard charts with his latest album – Eye On It .   Although I don’t agree with how the media seems to be a little snide in their article about it, I do agree it is something that isn’t happening often and is worth getting special attention.

I happen to love Toby Mac music.  It’s great music – the beats, the melody, and most of all – the lyrics that I don’t have to worry about my kids hearing.  Seriously why do so many songs that sound great need to have ridiculously inappropriate lyrics?  Why can’t they put the bad lyrics on those songs that have terrible melodies too?

Anyway – the reason I’m happy for Toby Mac for this accomplishment is because I can only imagine how hard he has had to work as a Christian artist in our culture to reach such a level of success.  The top of the charts are often reserved for whatever freak show wrote the most recent catchy melody with scandalous lyrics about sex, drugs, or money.

Don’t get me wrong – I like the catchy melodies too – despite the lyrics.  As Christians we should get excited about the talent of other Christians more often instead of always just being so focused on whatever our broken culture is idolizing at any given moment.  For once they’ve recognized someone who actually makes good music and has a good message, so I’m proud and happy for Toby Mac.

Check out the album –Eye On It .

Talking About Money With Family

It’s not difficult to understand that talking about money is awkward to most people.  It can lead to disagreements and details that we tend to protect out of pride.  So we avoid discussing it, which leads to more problems.

The awkwardness is usually at it’s worst with family though.  I’ve met with so many parents who have kids old enough to understand but the parents are terrified to let the kids in on the state of the financial house.

No matter how hard we try to avoid it at some point the subject of money is going to come up.  The kids will be shocked to find out their parents are broke, or maybe even wildly wealthy.  I’ve heard countless stories of people who had no idea their parents financial position until they died and were presented with either a mess or a fortune, both of which they were unprepared for.

Parents who are broke might be thinking they’re protecting their children from hard facts they don’t need to know, and parents who are doing well might be thinking they’re protecting their children from a sense of entitlement.  Regardless of the reason the ultimate disservice is the fact that the parents are choosing not to effectively communicate the value of money to their children.

Have you helped your kids understand the correlation between hard work and money?  Do they understand the idea of delayed gratification?  Do they know what it means to have discipline when making financial decisions?  Do they know that money and stuff doesn’t equal happiness?

It’s worth it to face the awkward moments together.  Lay it all out.  Be real and honest.  No matter what the state of the financial house is it can be a truly humbling experience, and it will prepare everyone in the family to avoid problems in the future.

Earning The Right To Celebrate Success

My kids recently reminded me, once again, of a principle even many adults need to learn. It is the fact that unless we did something to contribute to something that is a success then we really don’t have the right to celebrate it as though we were a part of it.

Sports fans are my favorite example of this. I’ve always been a bigger fan of actually PLAYING sports as opposed to watching, so I’m not a rabid fan. But some people go nuts over sports teams they merely cheer for. Statements like “we won last night” are my favorite because to me it sounds like the person saying “we” actually competed at something. When I find out they were watching something on TV I’m let down about this person’s participation in a competitive event.

Ok, so maybe cheering could be very loosely accepted as participation or contribution to a success, but it’s nowhere near the same as those who actually get in the game. I recently taught my kids this lesson about giving.

They attended VBS (vacation Bible school) at a local church where there was a competition between grades to see who could raise the most money to give to a worthy cause. Our competitive child (I will not name) came home boasting of how awesome their grade was doing winning the competition. Shawna and I knew they had not given anything to this effort other than cheers. Normally we would have given them money to contribute but in this scenario we immediately recognized a teaching opportunity.

We explained to both our older two kids that unless they gave they really couldn’t celebrate winning as though they did something. We also encouraged them to give from their money (they earn money for doing work around the house), but we did not give them our money to simply pass it on. They needed to have skin in the game.

The end of VBS event took place and at the end our kids grade was awarded for giving the most. On the way home the boasting commenced again “we won, we beat the older kids”, and we questioned again, “Did you give anything?” Of course the answer was “no, we forgot” which I interpreted as “what, from OUR money”. We reminded the kids that unless they actually gave something they really didn’t earn the right to celebrate the success as though they did give something. They could cheer for their classmates but they couldn’t really say “we won”.

I see the same thing happening all the time with adults at churches. Great things are happening, all the signs of church success are there, people are being reached for Jesus. When the pastor reminds everyone that all that success is possible because of generous givers there are people in the crowd who celebrate that success as though they actually did something, as though they had skin in the game.

I have no apologies for issuing a tough love challenge to believers who are not givers. Anybody can sit in the stands and cheer. Put some skin in the game.

Got a Will?

It is alarming the number of married couples who do not have a written will. This shouldn’t be the case. A written will is too important and too easy to get to not have it.

Why Your Will Is Important

This is going to sound like a life insurance sales pitch, but I don’t care. “God forbid something should happen to you, your spouse or both at the same time…”

  • A written will makes it clear what your wishes are for the care of your children under age 18.
  • A written will makes it clear what your wishes are for your estate and can be structured to optimize the tax position for your beneficiaries.
  • A written will can include your LIVING will to make clear what your wishes are if you become physically unable to make important decisions.
  • A written will is the only document that holds up legally to make these critical decisions after we die.
  • Why Your Will Is Easy To Get

  • Stores like Office Depot or Staples sell kits or softwares that are affordable and simple to use to create a will.
  • Good attorneys do wills for affordable fees (more costly than the do-it-yourself options, but worth it in my opinion)
  • A piece of crumbled up paper with handwriting and a notary seal is better than nothing and would likely be honored in a court of law.
  • Do These Things To Make It Official

  • Get two witnesses to sign it (people who are not family or close friends).
  • Name an executor (the person to administer the will and handle all the legal and financial details).
  • Get it notarized (it just makes it more valid).
  • Don’t go another day without it. GET A WILL!!!

    MY Favorite Posts From 2011

    At the beginning of the year I posted the top 10 posts from 2011 based on page views. But just so you know here is a list of some of my favorites:

    Don’t Give Up On Marriage
    Financial Intimacy
    Working Together Requires Diligence
    I Didn’t Tell You Because
    Ours, Not Mine & Yours
    – Nothing To Fight About – Part 1 & Part 2

    We Aren’t That Different

    A while back someone asked me if it is easier to control our finances (spending) because Shawna homeschools our kids and I work from home a lot. At first I didn’t realize where that question was coming from. But then I realized it was an attempt to make our situation different, or easier in their eyes, to justify a lack of discipline in their own situation.

    My initial thought was yes it is easier – Shawna doesn’t typically go out to lunch with the girls like she might at a job, and she doesn’t use a lot of gas money to get back and forth to work. I thought the same is true for me since I get to work from home a lot.

    But on second thought I realized, you know what – Shawna still spends just as much. It isn’t easy putting up with kids all day so she is always having to get them out of the house, which ends up being activities that cost money. She also does work part time so there are moments when it is more convenient to grab food on the go. All that takes driving around as much or more than the typical job working mom. So we really don’t have an advantage there.

    Even though I work from home a lot of the time I still put about 20,000 miles per year on my vehicle, most of  those are miles that are work-related (going to meet with customers etc).  Not to mention I have WAY more un-reimbursed job-related expenses than the average person.  I get to write some of those expenses off but that doesn’t mean I get it all back, and the other 12 months of the year it creates a unique cash flow challenge.

    So after thinking about that question, “is it easier for us”, my response is NO!  Just because our life circumstances are not exactly the same doesn’t mean the challenges of managing money are THAT different.  We still have to live with a plan, giving and saving and spending within our means.  Don’t let others excuse their lack of discipline based on your circumstances.

    Why Compare?

    Have you ever heard anyone making these statements?

    • I work as hard as anyone I know.
    • I’m as good a husband/wife as anyone I know.
    • I’m as good a father/mother as anyone I know.
    • I go to church and serve as much as anyone I know.

    Do you ever catch YOURSELF making such statements?  Not out loud, I hope, but  maybe in your head.  It can be so easy to compare ourselves to everyone else around us, focusing on how we compare to others in order to justify how good we are, at least in our own mind.

    I know – things are tough at work, the pressure is on, so that’s why “I work as hard as anyone I know” becomes an inner-defense.  I know – your spouse was nagging about an expectation you’re not meeting so “I’m as good a husband/wife as anyone I know” is what you somehow want to make them realize.  Kids are so naive and don’t understand just how good a parent you are.  Surely the church staff sees how much you’re there contributing to the ministry and should thank you from stage at special events.

    My challenge to all of us today is why compare?  Why look at how our performance compares to that of others?  How does that help us be the best spouse or parent we can be?  How does that help us become closer to God and live out his purpose for our life?

    Thanksgiving 2011

    Other than the most important thanks I give every year for God’s mercy, My Wife, Family, Friends, Health, and Wealth, here are some particular financial-related things I’m thankful for this this year at Thanksgiving:

    • We got debt free this year (except for the house)
    • Savings in the bank
    • Promise – that God will provide
    What do you have to be thankful for?