Practice What You Preach

October 11, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

Have you ever felt like you failed to take your own advice? That happens to me sometimes. My daughter, Skyler, is very energetic and she loves dance and gymnastics. At home she will often practice her cart-wheels, handstands, round-offs, round-house, upper-cut… The problem with that is there isn’t a lot of room for that kind of activity inside our house because there is either stuff or people to potentially break or hurt with flying arms and feet. So we’re constantly telling Skyler, “You probably shouldn’t do that in the house. We don’t want you to get hurt.”

Because I’m such a great dad I have practiced cart wheels and hand stands a little bit too (and everyone’s favorite acrobatic move I do is the cheerleader-style toe-touch, it’s fabulous). Of course where have I done this – in the house, exactly where we advise Skyler not to do the acrabatics. I’m normally pretty careful about choosing a safe area where no one is around and nothing is in the way, until a few days ago…

I don’t remember why Iwas in a goofy mood with about six excited children in the house that day, and I don’t know what I was thinking, but I decided to do a cart-wheel going in a different direction in the house than I had ever done it before. I had told Skyler many times not to do this. I had seen Skyler get hurt doing it. I had even seen Joe Sangl get hurt doing it (yes – he got excited at our house one time too and did a cart-wheel that didn’t end well – Skyler has such an influence on us to test our acrobatic inability). As I made the approach all of the red flags were flashing through my mind and in a split second I thought, “I shouldn’t be doing this” and “I got it, it’s ok”. Then…

WHACK!!

The bottom of my foot, at the inside part of my heel crashed onto the corner of our coffee table. Thank goodness I didn’t break anything, including my foot.. I rolled around on the floor in pain with my wife Shawna laughing at me the whole time, and then of course I got up quickly to act like everything was alright. I had made the same mistake I normally advise Skyler not to make. I wasn’t practicing what I had been preaching.

That can happen in lots of areas of our life if we’re not careful. In marriage it is important to live by the same expectations we have of our spouse. As parents it is important to set the example of what we expect our kids to follow. As leaders it is important to be living what we are teaching.

That is one of the most important things we teach financial coaches – to be living what we are teaching. It can be so easy to slack off and not be disciplined to stick to the plan or the budget. It can be so easy to put off reaching that next goal over and over again in order to do spontaneous and fun stuff whenever we want. In order to effectively teach others we have to be living what we are teaching.

When is the last time you slipped up and failed to practice what you preach? My heel still hurts 🙂

Filed Under: Family, Money, Personal Growth, Stories

The New Call of Duty Game

October 5, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

This is too funny, so I have to share it…

John Crist is my newest favorite comedian because he does funny stuff about church, and that is hilarious to me because of my experience with lots of churches of many types throughout my life.

He recently hit on a subject that is so true in our current culture. Married men are increasingly the primary demographic for video games. Particularly, the game Call of Duty is very popular. We can be manly men in that game, blowing stuff up and taking names, and still be home for dinner. And I’ve heard some great reasons for games being a good form of entertainment:

It’s relatively cheap compared to other alternatives (such as paintball, and that isn’t very manly compared to blowing stuff up)
It’s something our sons enjoy and can do with us (and some daughters, the tom-boy ones probably)
It’s a good release, me time, man time. I’ve read that men who get to watch a manly movie every now and then, or play a manly game, are more likely to be passionate husbands (that’s a good thing).

The problem, as is true with anything in life, is getting off-balance. When the hobby becomes an obsession that consumes massive amounts of time and energy. Let’s face it. It isn’t cheap anymore if we’re forfeiting the opportunity to work a few more hours and increase our income. It isn’t something good to do with our kids if it is the only thing we do together and they barely know us outside the game. It isn’t a good release if we’re more consumed with playing another round every night than we are going to bed with our wife.

I love games too, and if I wanted to I could let it be the only thing my son and I do because he is very in to games. But I just can’t do that, and honestly I’m not THAT in to games to even want to do that. I recently heard a statistic about kids who game all the time are a lot more likely to have problems with a long list of stuff later in life. That’s reason enough for me to limit how much gaming happens in my house. Anyway… Check out this video – John makes humor about the next Call of Duty game that might not be popular but we need to love it more than any of the others.

Filed Under: Family, Money, Personal Growth, Relationships

All Three of My Bad Sides

September 20, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

One time Shawna and I were coaching a couple who started discussing the difficulty they have with their kids. Don’t we all?? In this case the father spoke up and very honestly said “sometimes I feel like dealing with my kids is like dealing with all 3 of my bad sides”. I have 3 kids too and I can totally relate to that statement.

Shawna and I had dinner with some friends recently and, once again, the subject of kids came up. (When you’re parents anytime there is nothing else to talk about kids is an easy subject.) In this conversation Shawna so kindly pointed out a couple of the obvious less than desirable things our two older kids have gotten from me.

For Devin it is the use of words like “crap” or “idiot” or “dad-gum-it” or worse. I should point out here that I’ve never called my kids idiot or anything like that – it’s usually in a stupid (another bad word) moment of frustration with other drivers or something.

Skyler seems to have gotten my incredibly gentle sense of empathy. We heard her tell someone to “get used to it” when they were upset about something. That sounds a lot like my attitude at times.

That’s just the beginning of all my bad sides that I’m having to work on. Thank goodness I don’t really have a kid for every one of my bad sides. What about you? What are your bad sides that your children show?

Filed Under: Family

Weekend Reading – Marriage and Money Issues

September 16, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

Here’s some weekend reading to check out.

Bad Economy? A good time for a steamy affair. – It is really sad and disgusting the disregard our society has for faithfulness and marriage.

Is Money Pulling Your Marriage Apart? – “A couple with $10,000 in debt and no savings is twice as likely to divorce as a couple with no debt and $10,000 in savings.” I believe the statistic but can’t validate it first hand. However, I can validate the fact that stress is a lot different with savings and no debt.

10 Most Divorced States (slideshow) – Finances is cited as one of the biggest reasons for divorce in most of the states. Some states making it too easy to get divorced is also noted. Interestingly enough couples getting married too young is also noted as a predictor of marriage failure. I’m proud to see South Carolina is not on the list but is mentioned as a state that makes it difficult for couples to divorce without taking a lot of time to reconsider.

How To Be A Better Parent In 4 Seconds – More important than money, this one is about one way to be a better parent. Just read it. Jon Acuff is one of my favorite bloggers because he is very witty while adding helpful insight.

Filed Under: Family, Money, Reading, Relationships

Expense Of Raising A Child

August 10, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

A question Shawna and I have gotten while doing financial coaching is “how much should be factored into the budget to add the first child to the family?” That is a great question to ask. I’m glad some people are planning for that before the time comes because Shawna and I did not and before we knew it, SURPRISE! – Our first two babies showed up 13 months apart. Now we have an almost 9 yr old, almost 8 yr old, and a 3 yr old. So I can answer this question from our own experience so far and I’ll keep it about newborns in general since there is a whole lot more to cover as the kids get older.

Groceries

The first thing that came to my mind when we found out we were having our first baby is “we’re gonna have to feed him.” The problem is I had no idea how much this was going to add to the grocery category (the grocery category in our budget includes all the consumables we’d buy at Wal-Mart). Babies might not eat much but they poop a lot, and hopefully they’re doing that in diapers. Unfortunately the diapers cost money, along with the wipes, ointments, & baby wash to clean and care for their dirty butts.

There are also countless other “grocery” items everyone is already using that increases in use for every addition to the family. Just to name a few, it is items such as trash bags (for disposing of diapers), household cleaners (for cleaning up baby messes), laundry detergent (holy cow the laundry they mess up), and enough over the counter drugs to start a mini-pharmacy out of your house.

The point is they might be small but they cost as much to the grocery category as a grown up. I tell couples to take the amount “they’re already spending on groceries, divide it by the two of them, and multiply that number by three for the total cost of groceries after the first baby is born. The average household spends $125 per person per month so that would be $375 per month for a couple starting out with their first baby.

Healthcare

Oh the days when I worked for a big company that had great insurance benefits… Now we’re completely responsible for our own health insurance and it is EXPENSIVE. To be on the safe side I tell young couples to factor an additional $100 per month just in health insurance.

Then there’s the doctors visits… We are fairly healthy people who don’t have to go to the doctor much, but newborns go all the time. Then there is the chance your child might be born with a condition requiring ongoing medical treatment. But we’re hoping for the best. So for planning purposes I tell people to add another $100 per month to their budget for medical care.

Baby’s Future

If you’re planning well for a baby you should go ahead and plan it right – include savings for the baby’s future in the plan. One day they will want a car, and those aren’t cheap. Hopefully one day they will go to college, and that isn’t cheap. And if you have girls they get married and typically the brides parents pay, and that is definitely not cheap. I have two girls. Jesus Take The Whee-eeel.

My friend Joe says it this way, “When you find out you’re pregnant that is at least an 18 year notice that college expense is coming” (or wedding, car, house – whatever they set out to do that you want to help them with). The amount to save for all of that is up to preference and the hopes and dreams you have for being able to provide a great future for your kids.

We’re already up to $325 added to the budget from the $125 groceries, $100 insurance, and $100 medical care. So if we add $175 to the savings that makes it $500 per month that should be added to the budget. I would call that a good starting point. As the child gets older and involved in activities and eating more and tearing stuff up etc etc etc the real costs have the potential to be a lot more.

Shawna and I are done having kids, but if we were planning to have one right now I would want to have room for $1000 per month in my budget to go toward the new baby. That is just me though because I personally like to be over-prepared for something that I’m planning for, and there are always things overlooked when a major change like having a baby is about to happen.

Notice I haven’t even mentioned clothes and toys, etc. For most people a lot of that stuff is gifted to them by friends and relatives when the baby is young. What other things would you add to the advice for people who are planning for their first baby?

Filed Under: Family, Money

Sick And Tired Of The Debt Debate

August 5, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

Am I the only one who is sick and tired of the debt debate? I mean how hard is it to understand INCOME minus OUTGO has to equal EXACTLY ZERO and the outgo needs to include generous programs, long term foresight, and paying down the debt… Is it that difficult?

You might think I’m talking about the US National Debt Debate that has been plastered all over the media off and on really for many years. It’s always a heated debate. But that isn’t the only debate I’m talking about. I’m talking about the debt debate that happens in most everyone’s household at some point. Should we finance this or that? Can we afford it? How can we do x, y, & z and still keep our budget balanced? Are we going to have the discipline to stick to this budget? Oh no, we’ve gotten in too deep, now what do we do? I’m sick and tired of families struggling with these questions. It doesn’t have to be this way.

The fights happening in American households about money are just like Democrats and Republicans fighting about who’s fault it is and why one plan is better than the other for dealing with it. Round and round it goes and nothing gets done about it until it’s too late. It doesn’t have to be this way.

Call me crazy but I believe at some point the US debt ceiling is going to be as high as our country can withstand. My family has experienced a maxed out debt ceiling first hand – when we hit it we almost lost everything. Why don’t our representatives understand that concept? I know it’s more complicated on the grander scale but the principles are the same. Why isn’t our government applying simple financial principles and why aren’t more American families understanding these principles and applying them personally? IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY!

Why isn’t government listening to the people’s concern for our country’s financial future? Why aren’t people reaching out for help with their personal finances? That question keeps me awake at night because I know so many people need help but don’t know how to get it or they aren’t willing to ask for it. My church offers FREE personal finance coaching and the I Was Broke. Now I’m Not. team has helped churches all over the country start coaching programs just like the one at my church. Contact me if you’re interested in connecting with a coach and I’ll do everything I can to help you do that. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, if we all start getting it right at home our government will find a way to get it right nationally. Until that happens I will remain sick and tired of the debt debate.

Filed Under: Faith, Family, Money, Personal Growth, Relationships

Part 4: My Parent’s 40th Anniversary

August 4, 2011 by Mark Asbell 1 Comment

For my parents 40th wedding anniversary I did a little interview and I’m sharing their wisdom. If you missed the first three parts you can read them here:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

How did having kids affect things?

We wanted kids. We were so glad to have kids. It did change everything though. The biggest change was being involved in all the activities you kids participated in. But it also strengthened our marriage because there was a greater love than just the two of us. We HAD to work together just to keep up.

Would you do it all over again?

We would do it all over again but just do some things differently. There would be more emphasis on family and our marriage instead of so much emphasis on the church. Wish we had made better long range plans. Wish we had used vacation for fun instead of visiting family. We’ve been blessed and we’re thankful. In order to make it to 50 yrs we’re gonna take better care of our health and take it one day at a time. But we don’t live with any regrets and would do it all again.

Sometimes I wonder if the difficulty of having kids is just us or our generation. So it’s a little reassuring to know that even for our parents having kids was a challenge. I like John Maxwell’s quote that having grandchildren is the reward for not killing your children. My parents probably agree with that completely. Having kids is definitely a blessing we are very thankful for and I pray all the time that I become a better dad.

My parents gave Shawna and me a huge compliment about doing a good job balancing family, work, and church involvement. That is something we struggle with from time to time in order to keep on track. We’re making plans for our next family vacation and it gives us something to look forward to through the day to day hustle.

Shawna and I have only been married almost 11 years and we agree with my parents comment after their 40 years about doing it all again but doing some things differently. We’ve all made mistakes we would take back but I when I’m older I want to be able to say I don’t have any regrets. I believe that comes from having peace that God is guiding our lives along a path and everything is happening for a reason.

Filed Under: Faith, Family, Money, Personal Growth, Relationships, Stories

Part 3: My Parent’s 40th Anniversary

August 3, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

For my parents 40th wedding anniversary I did a little interview and I’m sharing their wisdom. If you missed it you can click here to read Part 1 or click here to read Part 2.

What have you done for fun through the years?

We’ve always been heavily involved in church activities (understatement of the century). We didn’t really call it date night like y’all do now days, but when we were younger we would go out to eat and go to drag racing or rodeo or ball games or Gospel singing events – that was way back when the Gaithers were just a trio. Now days for date night we tend to just go out to eat and take a drive and just enjoy being together. (I will add that my parents take some pretty nice trips as rewards through my dad’s job as an insurance agent).

What have been your hopes and dreams?

We’ve always wanted to do the best we could for you kids and we’ve always wanted to serve other people – living our lives to serve others rather than ourselves.

Dad: When we were pastors we thought success was when I got to pastor without having a 2nd job to support the family.

Mom: As we got older we reached for dreams like having a bigger property with a garden and getting to travel. We were only able to afford that stuff after dad started working in business world.

Now you know how old my parents are – I mean anyone who knew when the Gaithers were just a trio… If you don’t even know who the Gaithers are just look it up on Google – search images, that’s all you need to know. My parents are very country too in case you couldn’t tell from the drag racing and rodeo. That does remind me of our years in a small town called Forest Hill, LA where we went to the dirt track races every Friday night…

I’m glad to know my parents have fun together and have hopes and dreams. It is ashamed that church people treat pastors in such a way that they leave the ministry all the time. My parents still serve in their local church, just not as pastor. Every time I think of my parents deciding to no longer pastor churches I think of how tough a decision that must have been for them because of their heart for ministry. But at the same time I think of how thankful I am that they made such a tough decision because for all we know that is what kept them together and kept our family together.

My dad plants his garden every year and they get to travel to places Shawna and I hope to go to someday. I’d say they’ve set a pretty good example for putting their marriage, hopes, and dreams in proper priority.

Filed Under: Faith, Family, Money, Personal Growth, Relationships, Stories

Part 2: My Parent’s 40th Anniversary

August 2, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

For my parents 40th wedding anniversary I did a little interview and I’m sharing their wisdom. If you missed it you can click here to read Part 1.

How did you make it 40 years? What advice do you have for us youngsters?

It’s important to always think back on what brought us together to start with and having a determination to never give up on that. Commitment is taken too lightly now days. People think oh well we can just get a divorce if this doesn’t work out. Divorce was never an option for us. Our parents were married 61 & 57 years so we had a good example of commitment. Our faith strengthened our commitment. It has taken a lot of work – seminars at church, better communication, understanding and appreciating each other.

Did you ever get counseling?

No we never did but there were times we should have.

I am so blessed to have such great examples of commitment in my parents and grandparents. Both sets of my grandparents were together until death did them part. I pray that for my marriage too.

It REALLY frustrates me to hear some of the reasons people get divorced. I can’t claim to understand every situation but I can say I don’t agree with the outcome most of the time. Recently I was beating my head against the wall trying to understand why people get divorced and how to help them stay together instead. I know it sounds cliche but a pastor friend of mine reminded me that divorce is a result of Jesus not being the center and focus of relationships. Simplifying it all – that is true. But it doesn’t give me peace about it at all.

I’m committed to my marriage. I fight for my marriage. We have tough conversations. We read books and go through curriculum in small groups or seminars. We ask for advice or counseling when we need it. And we’ll do all that stuff again and again because staying committed in marriage takes work.

The next post is about fun, hopes, and dreams. Be sure to check back.

Filed Under: Faith, Family, Money, Personal Growth, Relationships, Stories

Part 1: My Parent’s 40th Anniversary

August 1, 2011 by Mark Asbell 3 Comments

This year my parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary and I’ve been wanting to write about them for several months. There is a lot we can all learn by talking to our parents and using the wisdom they’ve gained through years of experience, or the wisdom they haven’t gained 🙂 It’s important to have discernment of what advice to take or leave when talking to anyone. My hope for everyone is you have someone like my parents to gain some encouraging wisdom from.

So I basically did a little interview with my parents, something I’ve never really done quite like this, to pick their brain a little at their 40 year mark. In this series of posts I want to share some of the questions I asked and some of the takeaways and insight from the conversation.

What does it feel like to be married 40 years?

Mom: It doesn’t really seem possible that it’s been that long. It feels good just to have survived this long. (She didn’t mean as in they haven’t killed each other, she meant it’s good to be alive at their age – which isn’t as old as they act sometimes 🙂 ).

Dad: Well, dad was actually still asleep in his chair when I asked the first question (being an old fart) so mom answered for him by saying, “Best years of his life!” (There’s a bit of the humor in this relationship coming out.)

Has it always been a fairytale?

(I asked this because so many young couples are shocked and confused when the ‘fairytale’ wears off)

Mom: It was like any newlyweds – a dream come true. But there weren’t any Disney princess movies back then. We’ve always had reasons to stay grounded. We had to work hard. We never had anything given to us. Our first house was a very old owner financed single wide trailer. 100% financing through banks wasn’t very likely back then if it even existed and getting family to co-sign wasn’t an option for us.

Dad: Back then not so many people lived together before getting married. Times were different. Gas was .19 per gallon and beef was .49 per pound.

That’s a good point about living together and times were different but I’m not sure what that had to do with the question. Oh, he just woke up! Must have been having nightmares about current inflated pricing…

I love the comment my mom made about there not being any Disney princess movies back then. Now days so many young couples are growing up with the crazy notion that they’re going to be swept off their feet and live happily ever after. Then when reality hits and their spouse shows imperfection they’re shocked and don’t know what to do. Why do we spend so much time dreaming the impossible and never spending time considering a more likely reality?

Stay tuned for more from my parents…

Filed Under: Faith, Family, Personal Growth, Relationships, Stories