Husbands Should Lead

July 23, 2013 by 1 Comment

That statement offends feminists but I don’t care.  God’s design is for husbands to lead the marriage.  It’s how he wired male and female and commanded husbands to lead the family spiritually.  Part of that is prayer, reading the word, and making decisions about life that honor God.  That decision part is where we get our panties in a wad.  Ladies don’t want to be in a position of dependence or submission to a man – they want to be independent and make their own decisions.  I understand that and I’m not suggesting ladies don’t have a say.  Good leaders (husbands) listen to others before making a decision, especially their wife (hopefully they’re a Godly wife).

I’m also not suggesting ladies can’t be leaders.  They can lead lots of things.  Just not their husband spiritually.  God’s design is for husbands to lead.

Here are some of the general reasons I believe husbands who aren’t leading aren’t doing so:

* their wife won’t let them
* their wife doesn’t respect them
* they’re lazy
* they don’t have accountability
* they don’t even have a relationship with Jesus or the Biblical guidance to start with

When I’m coaching couples I know he’s not leading if:

* He has no clue about the financials because she handles it all
* They indicate that they never go on date night
* Either of them has a hobby that dominates their time and/or money
* The kids dominate their time and/or money
* They can’t remember the last time they prayed together or read anything Biblical together

Some are thinking “we’re different” or “we’re the exception” or something along those lines.  No you’re not.  There’s a lady reading this who thinks their husband is just not the leader type or it’s just not his personality.  This isn’t a personality thing and I’m not talking about the perception all the leadership guru crap of our culture has created.  That husband is called to lead.  They may have been beat down for years with unreasonable expectations, lack of patience, and general disrespect by you or other family, friends, or bosses.  But there is a man inside there somewhere that is called to lead his family.

Filed Under: Faith, Family, Money, Personal Growth, Relationships

The Heart of a Teacher

July 17, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Has anyone ever asked you the question, “What is the one thing you would do every day if you could?”  When I was seriously challenged with that question recently I couldn’t help but default to a generic answer that I feel didn’t get the point across.

I’ve thought a lot about what am I excited about, passionate about, and what has God been preparing me to do for him.  The one thing that I love to do is teach.  Not as in school teacher, not even class-style of any type necessarily.  I love equipping others to do more than they were able to do before.

When I was really challenged with the question I couldn’t think of anything else to say except something that came out like this, “teach – if I could do the same thing every day it would just be teach.”  What I meant by that is way more broad than how I said it.  If I could say it again I might list some ways to apply the heart of a teacher:

  •  large group teaching
  •  1 on 1 teaching
  •  teaching others to teach
  •  social media and web engagement with people
  •  all things related to writing and material development for teaching
  •  development of all things technology related to teaching delivery methods
  •  leading group efforts to make it all excellent (because I can’t do ALL the stuff it takes to make all that excellent)

Maybe next time I’m presented with a question like that I’ll be better prepared to answer.  Now if I can just find a way to make everything I currently do more geared toward the heart I have for teaching and helping people…

Filed Under: Business, Personal Growth

“I” Is Selfish

April 9, 2013 by Leave a Comment

For some reason the past couple of months I haven’t been able to shake thoughts about selfishness and greed, so I’m gonna get some of these thoughts out in the open in case they somehow offer perspective someone needs to read.

We all have a selfish nature.  It can take a very intentional effort to not let that selfish nature define who we are and how we interact or relate to others.  It gets on my nerves to hear people use the word “I” so much – especially when they begin every sentence with it.  Using the word I so much is a sign of selfishness.  Just listen to how it sounds.  “I did…”, “I got…”, “I have…”, “I accomplished…”, “I earned…”, and in summary “I am awesome in my own not so humble opinion”.  That’s basically how some people sound to me, and it’s just ridiculous.

A business communication class in college taught me to avoid using “I” so much, particularly as the first word in a sentence – probably because it sounds so self-centered.  My parents had a very good one-line tough-love statement they used to teach me about selfishness.  Any time I would selfishly fight to get my way my parents would simply remind me, “The world doesn’t revolve around you son.”  Now I find myself using that line sometimes with my own children.  It’s a very good lesson!

This general use of selfish language and mentality might be the problem in a lot of our relationships and marriages.  Our friends might be annoyed by our constant focus on ourself, particularly through how we speak “I” constantly.  There might be a communication disconnect between spouses that neither is even aware of, and it could be because one or both are constantly using the word “I” and “me”.  Just think about that for a second.  In the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman one of the love languages is words of affirmation.  It’s kinda hard to be affirming to someone else with words when all we ever talk about is “I” and “me”.

Try this:

  1. Take the focus off yourself for two seconds and think about someone else. I mean really THINK about them.
  2. Now think of a sentence that starts with “you” and ends with something good to say about that person.
  3. Now look at them and say the sentence you’re thinking.  Yes – say it out loud.

Doesn’t that feel nice?

Filed Under: Family, Personal Growth, Relationships

Keep It Real

February 26, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Over the last several years I’ve adopted and continue to develop what I consider to be one of the greatest core values I’ve ever applied to my life – Keep It Real.  It’s pretty self explanatory – just be real, and I’m working on it and expecting it from others more and more all the time.

The reason that is so important to me now is I’ve grown to realize that being fake and playing games is not God’s best for us or those around us.  We’re supposed to share each others burdens and seek wisdom from others around us, but all too often we put on a front as though everything is ok in our life and we certainly don’t look to others as much as we should for advice (because that’s the same as admitting we don’t know everything).  Then there’s my most favorite type of game-playing where status or authority are used to manipulate others in a way that is somehow supposed to provide some form of superiority or advantage…  We all can only hope such ridiculousness is short lived and causes minimal pain before those of us who act this way realize where we’re wrong.

Many have heard me tell how Shawna and I weren’t keeping it real about how broke we were financially until it was a mess we couldn’t control.  We would be really vague with our statements, saying things such as, “Y’all can pray for us because things are tight right now”, when the reality of the situation was we were BROKE!  I believe God had us go through the humiliating experience of having foreclosure paperwork delivered to our house while all our church friends were there to completely break our pride.

We all do it.  Someone asks, “How are you?”, and the response is “fine” or “great” or maybe something like “blessed” or everyone’s new Dave Ramsey favorite “better than I deserve”.  I love Dave Ramsey but that phrase is often used as just another mask for what people really want to say, which is “my life sucks right now because of ____ and I need someone to pray for me and offer me advice”.

Don’t get me wrong I’m all for focusing on the positive and being thankful in all things and acknowledging that we truly are blessed just to have life, but sometimes, especially in the company of people we share life with, we SHOULD be putting our prideful disguises aside and just KEEP IT REAL!

Filed Under: Faith, Personal Growth

Congratulations!

November 21, 2012 by Leave a Comment

The stories we hear from time to time about people becoming self made and self driven miraculous successes always fascinate and inspire me.  But when I think about those stories and dig a little deeper in to them I can almost always find where some relational value in every persons life contributed to that success.  Really when we think about it none of us are “self made” successes because any amount of success we’ve had in our life has to involve someone else in some way.  Many many examples are coming to mind right now, but I’ll just share a few of my own.

  • I love sports.  When I was young I played sports – constantly.  I practiced hard, really hard. I sweated.  I bled.  When others were in bed sleeping I was inflicting pain on my body so that I would be a better athlete.  I was recognized for success as an athlete.
  • I love music.  When I was young I played trumpet – constantly.  I practiced really hard.  I studied music and repeated challenging pieces over and over.  When others were sleeping I was in early morning band class improving my skill.  I was recognized for success as a musician.
  • I love learning.  I did decent in both high school and college as a student athlete and musician.  But when I look back on it I just love learning things I find interesting and fun if only for a season.  I studied, a lot, in the wee hours of the night.  I was recognized for success as a student.
  • I’m analytical.  My first job after college was an engineering-level job that grew from finding problems and improving them to running most of the daily production decisions from raw material to customer delivery of the supply chain.  I worked hard long hours, dealing with people who didn’t always like me because of my position and decisions I had to make.  I was recognized for success as an employee.
  • I’m relational.  My second career job has been in sales because I like getting to know new people and I like helping people.  I knew nothing about the printing industry so I worked long hours and traveled all week long in the beginning.  Some years have been better than others, but generally speaking I’ve had a great deal of success in sales and serving my customers.
  • I love ministry.  When I was younger you couldn’t have paid me to say that because of all the heartache I experienced as a preachers kid, but now that I’m older I really do love ministry.  The greatest ministry work I’ve ever gotten to do is financial coaching at my church as well as teaching and speaking for I Was Broke. Now I’m Not. at other churches.  The more I do it the better I get and I’m still learning and growing.  I see people making life changing choices that indicate success, but I can’t even say this is my success because it’s God’s success and I’m just honored to be part of it.

I could go on and on – how about these most important ones…

  • I’m a husband and father.  So far it has been 12 years of learning, growing, and some of the most confusing and difficult work a man will ever do – building a thriving marriage.  Raising kids is the biggest impact anyone can have on the future for generations to come, and it’s one of the hardest things anyone will ever do.  It’s worth every heartache, frustration, and sacrifice to work at having a good marriage and raising kids.  I don’t believe we can ever “arrive” at some level of relationship success but I can confidently say that I consider the progress of my marriage a success, and my kids are at least still alive.

Do you see all the I’s that start all those paragraphs?  I could take all the credit for everything good in my life.  Even if I know in my heart that I could never have accomplished anything on my own, I could always talk like all that’s great about my life is all because of me and all about me.  It would be incredibly self righteous, self centered, and repulsive of me if all anyone ever heard from me is “I’ve done this and I’ve done that and I’m so awesome”.  That’s why I want to remind myself and everyone who reads this to be thankful for the relationships in your life that have helped you have any amount of success there is in your life.

My parents invested countless amounts of time and money in me playing sports and music.  They believed in my ability and invested heavily to see me thrive in those things.  My bosses put money on the line to pay me with nothing more than an informed belief that I would perform what they were paying me to do.  My friends in ministry have entrusted me to not blow up their ministry by failing morally and hindering the belief of people we’re trying to impact.  My wife said yes when she thought she knew what she was getting in to.  She has continued to say yes as we’ve grown through many trials and experienced much joy.  My kids still love me despite all my imperfections and they can’t even begin to understand how much they help me learn about myself and grow.

So I want to encourage you to do what I’m doing right now.  I’m taking a moment to thank everyone in my life who has believed in me, invested in me, and stuck with me.  I’m not thanking them for making me so awesome or for their part in my success.  It’s easy to do that and it still feeds self, so I’m choosing a little different approach.  I’m congratulating everyone for their success and thanking them for being a success.  They’ll know it impacted me without me talking about myself.

If you’re reading this I’d like to start with you.  I don’t know you all personally but I want to congratulate you for your success and thank you for being successful at everything you do.  You Rock!

Filed Under: Personal Growth, Relationships

Truth About Confidence

September 21, 2012 by Leave a Comment

I recently saw someone wearing this t-shirt, and the caption says – “Confidence is the feeling you have before you fully understand the situation.”

That statement is so true when you really think about it.  For years when I was broke I ran around over-confident in my ability to produce enough income to keep up with poor financial decision making.  It wasn’t working.  I didn’t understand.  Clearly my feelings of confidence were greater than my understanding of the situation I was in.  I WAS BROKE!  Flat broke.  Paycheck to paycheck until I eventually was unable to pay all the bills.

It is so easy to find ourselves in that type of scenario if we refuse to stop and really consider the risk we’re taking when we sign up for debt, over-burden our expected income, and just plain have no margin.

Have you ever come to the realization that you’ve been making over-confident decisions?  What did you do about it, or what ARE you doing about it?

Filed Under: Money, Personal Growth

Fat Boy Chronicles

July 25, 2012 by Leave a Comment

If you’ve been using Netflix Streaming for any amount of time you know what it’s like to come across a movie that looks interesting but turns out to have terrible acting, terrible plot, or terrible production quality. I recently cancelled cable so it feels like I’m experiencing the terrible options on Netflix streaming more and more, but I’m glad I kept watching Fat Boy Chronicles despite the terrible acting.

The movie is based on a true story of a fat freshman who is smart but fat, likes a cute girl, but gets picked on constantly because he’s fat. Here are three things I love about the story:

  • 1. The kid had an IHHE moment. You could slowly but surely see it coming, and then it happened. The I HAVE HAD ENOUGH moment. The kid was ticked. He was not going to eat the same ole junk food any more and he put a plan in place to exercise.
  • 2. The kid pursued the girl. Little did the fat kid know the girl he liked also had issues. He liked her for who she was rather than what she was going through and he pursued her. He invited her to church. He pressed in to have difficult conversations with her.
  • 3. The kid faced adversity. By the end of the movie all the immature morons had reason to respect the fat freshman. He had helped them. He had helped himself. He had won the girl. Who couldn’t respect a kid who faced so many challenges and overcame them all in such a positive way…

    • Sometimes we have to have a true IHHE moment to motivate us to fight through the situations and circumstances we face so that we can accomplish the things we want to accomplish, and we just might help others in the process. I love that message! If you can handle the terrible acting I recommend this movie, otherwise just take my word for it – the story is good.

    Filed Under: Money, Personal Growth

    Boastful Pride

    July 17, 2012 by Leave a Comment

    Sometimes those of us who are working hard to win with money get so excited about what God is doing in our life we are genuinely overflowing with joy.  But sometimes we notice those around us are not so enthusiastic about our success as we’d hoped they’d be.  It could be that they’re jealous, but it could also be that our genuine excitement is overflowing in a way that is perceived as less than Godly.

    Consider the following statements that someone winning with money could say and notice the difference between the first one and the second one in each pair of statements:

    I’m blessed.
    I’ve never had more money in the bank.

    Debt freedom is worth every sacrifice.
    I own this and that and I’m looking to buy that over there.

    God has given me the resources to bless others.
    My business is growing so fast I’ve hired employees to handle everything.

    Do you see how the second statement in each pair could easily be taken as prideful or arrogant, especially in certain settings or situations?  Notice the prideful statements are all longer than the more modest alternatives.  That could be a sign to those who just need to shut up and say less.  Sometimes less is more.

    I know many families that have had amazing financial success in their life.  They have truly been blessed and there is a lot to learn from all of the hard work and sacrifice that seems to be common among them all.  But one of those families stands out like a sore thumb among the rest because of how they’ve handled the success.  I have to believe deep down inside they remember their humble beginning and I have to believe their hearts are right.  But I can’t help but wonder what they’re thinking when they host parties or events at their beautiful home and the highlight of their hospitality is the tour they give to spotlight all the awesome features of the house.

    Why do they do that?  Are they just that naive about how weird that is?  Maybe they’ve allowed pride to creep in and they want to show off so much that as soon as someone arrives a new tour begins.  It just seems the attitude about their success is so different than others with similar success.  None of my other wealthy friends or acquaintances have ever done house tours, unless asked of course.  It certainly wasn’t the main event except for this one place – and it’s every time you go there.

    I’ve challenged myself – am I envious of what they have?  Not so much.  I don’t really want anything they have.  Anytime I notice someone else not so happy about my success I think of what I might have said or done that might have given them a poor perception, or I wonder if they’re envious.  It’s easy for us to never challenge our own attitudes and actions by simply dismissing everyone else as jealous (this screams prideful).  The old saying “perception is reality” is quite often literally true and we should keep ourselves in check.

    This is something I sometimes feel self conscious about (not that I’ve arrived at some prestigious level of success or anything, but I’ve learned a lot about how to win with money and pray for continued blessings).  I want my excitement for winning with money to encourage others, even challenge others sometimes, but I don’t want that excitement or inspiration to get lost in translation by being prideful – with words, attitudes, or actions.

    Is this something you think about too?  How do you keep pride in check?

    Filed Under: Business, Money, Personal Growth

    Why Compare?

    January 31, 2012 by Leave a Comment

    Have you ever heard anyone making these statements?

    • I work as hard as anyone I know.
    • I’m as good a husband/wife as anyone I know.
    • I’m as good a father/mother as anyone I know.
    • I go to church and serve as much as anyone I know.

    Do you ever catch YOURSELF making such statements?  Not out loud, I hope, but  maybe in your head.  It can be so easy to compare ourselves to everyone else around us, focusing on how we compare to others in order to justify how good we are, at least in our own mind.

    I know – things are tough at work, the pressure is on, so that’s why “I work as hard as anyone I know” becomes an inner-defense.  I know – your spouse was nagging about an expectation you’re not meeting so “I’m as good a husband/wife as anyone I know” is what you somehow want to make them realize.  Kids are so naive and don’t understand just how good a parent you are.  Surely the church staff sees how much you’re there contributing to the ministry and should thank you from stage at special events.

    My challenge to all of us today is why compare?  Why look at how our performance compares to that of others?  How does that help us be the best spouse or parent we can be?  How does that help us become closer to God and live out his purpose for our life?

    Filed Under: Faith, Family, Personal Growth, Relationships

    Are You Listening To…

    December 20, 2011 by Leave a Comment

    This sucks.  You’re broke.  You can’t do anything fun.  It’s all their fault.  If you hadn’t married them you’d have plenty of money to do whatever you want.  You two haven’t even talked about money for months because all they ever care about is what they want.  Who do they think they are?  You work just as hard as they do.  

    You should just leave.  Who cares what your family or friends think.  You deserve to be happy.  Don’t even worry about how it affects anyone else – they’ll get over it.  It isn’t going to affect them nearly as badly as it’s affecting you.  Get out now while you still have some time to enjoy your life.  

    …the voice in your head?

    Filed Under: Money, Personal Growth, Relationships
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