Warning to all the single ladies.  I just heard a couple of single guys talking negatively about getting married saying that all you’re really doing is combining debt.  Wow – what a great perspective.  While that might be true, many couples are starting out on the wrong foot with their debt load, it shouldn’t be a prevailing purpose for the context of starting a marriage.

If I could sit down with every single person before they get in to a serious relationship my advice for both the guys and girls would be WORK, GET OUT OF DEBT, GET YOUR SPENDING UNDER CONTROL, AND DEVELOP THE DISCIPLINE OF SAVING.  Then my next piece of advice would be to take notice of how generous any potential spouse is, because if they’re not generous as a single person chances are they won’t be generous in the marriage.

At least those guys are aware of the fact that money will cause issues in the marriage, but I hope they get in a better position and learn a better perspective before saying “I Do”.

One of the common questions or concerns we get is what should one do when their spouse won’t participate in the budgeting process.  That’s a great question.  Here’s a 4-step starting point:

1. You budget what you can control.  Make sure there’s a plan that includes giving, saving, and wise spending (with some fun).  Make sure the bills are getting paid (hopefully on time).  Make it obvious that you’re doing it.  Print it out, put it on the fridge, start talking to your friends about it.

2. You don’t nag them about it.  Do not give them a hard time because they’re not participating.  Do not talk about them to your friends.  Especially do not talk down to them or about them to anyone else while they are present.  That is soooo disrespectful.

3. You sacrifice even when they don’t.  Sacrifice something you enjoy so that the plan will work.  Sacrifice something you enjoy so that they can keep something that they enjoy.  Even when they don’t reciprocate such sacrifice, you do it anyway.

4. You show them results.  Show them the savings you’re accomplishing by having a plan.  Show them the progress you’re making toward paying down debt.  Show them the freedom you can experience by having a plan that includes fun stuff rather than letting unplanned stuff ruin your fun.

Do those things and you just might be surprised when your spouse has a change of heart and starts to show interest in what you’re doing.

What else might you add to this list?

Normally I’m one of those long-term relationship kind of guys.  Even in high school if I dated someone I typically was going for a long lasting and meaningful relationship (which is apparently not normal and shouldn’t even be anywhere near the radar of a high school age person – in my opinion).  But that sense of commitment is one of the many reasons I believe my marriage will last forever.  Shawna and I are committed people.

When it comes to other forms of loyalty I’ve had to learn to keep my sense of commitment in proper perspective.  Like my first mortgage company – Chase Home Finance.  They gave us a mortgage and helped us re-do our mortgage when we were in financial trouble.  But when it came time to re-finance they didn’t give us the time of day, so I had to leave – after all we had been through together.

My most recent disappointment is with Wells Fargo (formerly Wachovia).  I opened my first checking account at Wachovia when I was 14 years old – that was 20 Years Ago!  We’ve been through a lot together.  The only car I ever financed was at Wachovia.  I’ve had checking accounts, savings accounts, credit accounts, and even overdraft accounts at Wachovia over the years.  We always had such a great relationship.

Then Wells Fargo came along.  They treated me like a number, closed my overdraft protection account simply because of my recovering credit score (we were broke at one time, now we’re not), ignoring the fact that we had not needed that credit for years, that we weren’t broke anymore, and that we were putting a lot of money in their bank every month.  Then they started charging fee after fee after fee with ridiculous expectations, as though they wanted to have an exclusive relationship with me (their fees scream “bank only with us or we’ll charge you to death, but we’re not going to give you anything for banking only with us”).  Even I don’t go for pushy or one sided relationships – sense of commitment or not.

So I called Wells Fargo.  As expected they were not willing to waive the fees without expecting me to be more committed to them than they would be to me (wanting me to use my debit card a bunch of times per month so they can earn transaction fees etc).  The guy on the phone was powerless to make any kind of decision to preserve our relationship.  I told him it was ashamed I had to end a 20 year relationship (he sounded not much older than 20 so I’m sure he understood).  At least he wasn’t rude, and I had made it easy by already transferring all the balances.  After 20 years – I closed my accounts.

Do you know anyone who after years and years of marriage they have called it quits?  Does my story with banks describe some of the stories you’ve heard about divorce?  Does any of that hit close to home in your own marriage?  It doesn’t have to be that way.  Don’t act like Wells Fargo.  Marriage isn’t a one sided relationship.  You can’t just take take take for your own personal benefit and never add any value to your spouse or the relationship.  Even if you feel like the one has gives gives gives while your spouse takes takes takes – what have you done to address the issue maturely and productively?  Are you working together to win with money AND marriage?  What do you need to do to keep your marriage account open and healthy?

(I am in no way suggesting money is ever a proper reason for divorce and will never ever suggest such a thing.  I’m merely relating to the hard truth that it IS a reason many choose to divorce and it shouldn’t be that way.)

Sometimes I beat myself up about past mistakes. Do you ever do that? One of the things I sometimes reflect on is the fact that I was broke, as in FLAT broke, for a long time. The amount of time I was broke and the timing of when I was broke both have something to do with the best and worst parts of that experience.

I’ll put the worst first. The worst is I was broke for 10 years of my life and the first ten years of my marriage. If I live 80 yrs that’s 1/8 of my life. If I live to see my 50th wedding anniversary that’s 1/5 of my marriage. When I beat myself up about that negative thoughts creep in my head like “if I hadn’t been so stupid for so long we would be a lot farther along financially”. If I ever verbalize any of those thoughts, usually to Shawna or Joe, they are quick to remind me of the good and that those thoughts will never change anything.

Now, for the best – the good. I was only broke for 10 years of my life. It was only 10 years of my marriage. I was young and learned the hard lessons early. I could have let it go on for 20 or 30 or even 50 years and never listened and learned. It could have defined my marriage and my children’s future if I kept using the same broke mentality and lack of discipline. I thank God for bringing us through it sooner than later and pray by his grace we never go through it like that again. We have the rest of our life to keep the finances right and honor God with everything he blesses us to manage.

Have you recognized the turning point in how you manage money? Are you headed in the right direction and never want to go back even when setbacks get you down? Are you done being broke?