5 Big Things Couples Fight About

September 6, 2013 by Leave a Comment

It would be impossible to list ALL the things couples fight about, so here is a quick rundown of 5 big ones that can cause tremendous strain on a marriage:

  1. Money – It is an every day part of life that affects everything whether we want it to or not.  Each spouse approaches money differently – different attitudes, experiences, personalities, habits, knowledge, ability, this list could go on and on.  Those differences in how money is managed can create daily conflict.
  2. Sex – It should be a frequent part of married life that affects pretty much everything because of the intimacy it is supposed to create between us.  So the conflict arises over frequency and satisfaction. (that needs a whole lot of explanation I’m not going in to with this post)
  3. Kids – If you’re doing the above I can tell you from experience that kids are highly likely to happen.  Then each spouse approaches raising them differently, how to love, discipline, provide, and teach them.
  4. Family – Each spouse has differences on their “side” of the family, and that affects the marriage.  How involved the extended family is, where holidays and special occasions are spent, and how to prioritize the needs of the immediate family and extended family so that neither ends up totally neglected.
  5. Career – The type of work we do, the amount of time we work, where we have to live or move to do that work, the people we work with, the opportunity it creates or passes by, the financial return for the work.  Each spouse sees these things differently and the career decisions we make affect each other no matter how “independently awesome” we think we are.

Does this list look pretty accurate as 5 biggies that affect marriage greatly?  Just because I listed them in that order doesn’t mean that is the order you’re experiencing them in.  But I strongly believe it makes sense for most couples to deal with them in that order.  The key is turning these points of friction in to productive opportunities to communicate and cooperate with one another in a way that strengthens our relationship rather than weaken it.

Filed Under: Family, Money, Relationships

Leading Money

August 13, 2013 by Leave a Comment

I heard a pastor friend of mine say, “If I LOVE money it will lead me.  If I LEAD money it will serve me.”  The following came to mind as I thought about that powerful statement.  Here are three simple thoughts to expand a little bit on the idea of leading money:

  1. To lead money I must know where I’m going.  We must have a plan and the plan must move us in the direction of the hopes, dreams, and calling in our life.  Where are you going?
  2. To lead money I must tell it where to go…all the time.  Telling our money where to go on a regular basis is called budgeting, and that is not a dirty word.  Do you have a budget?
  3. To lead money I must know where it is going…all the time.  We must know if our money is going where we told it to or we won’t know if we’re making progress towards the hopes, dreams, and calling in our life.  Are you tracking where your money is going?

Most people are not doing any of those three effectively.  But the one I find people are most undisciplined at doing is knowing where their money is going…all the time.  It isn’t that difficult to dream big dreams and write them down.  It usually isn’t even that difficult to put together a budget that makes sense to get to those dreams.  But sticking to that plan and tracking to make sure the money is doing what we told it to is the most difficult thing we have to do.  It’s constant, tedious, and frustrating.  But it’s totally worth it.

I prefer Quicken.  How do you track your money?  Please take a minute to tell me – it’s anonymous.

Filed Under: Money

Husbands Should Lead

July 23, 2013 by 1 Comment

That statement offends feminists but I don’t care.  God’s design is for husbands to lead the marriage.  It’s how he wired male and female and commanded husbands to lead the family spiritually.  Part of that is prayer, reading the word, and making decisions about life that honor God.  That decision part is where we get our panties in a wad.  Ladies don’t want to be in a position of dependence or submission to a man – they want to be independent and make their own decisions.  I understand that and I’m not suggesting ladies don’t have a say.  Good leaders (husbands) listen to others before making a decision, especially their wife (hopefully they’re a Godly wife).

I’m also not suggesting ladies can’t be leaders.  They can lead lots of things.  Just not their husband spiritually.  God’s design is for husbands to lead.

Here are some of the general reasons I believe husbands who aren’t leading aren’t doing so:

* their wife won’t let them
* their wife doesn’t respect them
* they’re lazy
* they don’t have accountability
* they don’t even have a relationship with Jesus or the Biblical guidance to start with

When I’m coaching couples I know he’s not leading if:

* He has no clue about the financials because she handles it all
* They indicate that they never go on date night
* Either of them has a hobby that dominates their time and/or money
* The kids dominate their time and/or money
* They can’t remember the last time they prayed together or read anything Biblical together

Some are thinking “we’re different” or “we’re the exception” or something along those lines.  No you’re not.  There’s a lady reading this who thinks their husband is just not the leader type or it’s just not his personality.  This isn’t a personality thing and I’m not talking about the perception all the leadership guru crap of our culture has created.  That husband is called to lead.  They may have been beat down for years with unreasonable expectations, lack of patience, and general disrespect by you or other family, friends, or bosses.  But there is a man inside there somewhere that is called to lead his family.

Filed Under: Faith, Family, Money, Personal Growth, Relationships

Telling Money and Kids What To Do

July 1, 2013 by Leave a Comment

I’ve always loved the general idea of telling money where it will go rather than wondering where it went.  The last time I heard that said it made me think of parenting for whatever reason.

Just think about it.  We tell our kids what to do or where to go and then expect them to obey.  Their level of understanding and obedience determine the outcome of that instruction and we might have to correct their behavior.  But money has no mind of it’s own.  The outcome of our instruction to our money is dependent on our own level of understanding and obedience.  So here’s a couple of general ideas that are both applicable to money and kids:

  • Be Specific: When telling the kids what to do or where to go it can’t be general.  It has to be specific.  You don’t say, “clean up the house” or “go down the street”.  You say, “clean up the floor in your room” or “go to Johnny’s house” (unless you’re just telling your kids to take a hike as in get lost before I break your little neck).  The same is true with money.  You can’t just say, “this money is for food expense and this money is for auto expense”.  You have to say, “x amount is for groceries and x amount is for dining out” and “x amount is for gasoline and x amount is for insurance”.
  • Make it EZ:  When telling kids what to do it has to be easy for them to understand.  You can’t use a phrase I’ve used before, “I at least want to be able to walk through your room for a change”.  Otherwise they will push it all around until there is literally a small path.  A better instruction is, “Everything on the floor needs to be picked up and put where it belongs so that the floor is clear of all toys & clothes”.  With money there is a simple formula that is easy to follow.  “Income – Outgo = Exactly Zero”.  My friend Joe came up with the silly idea that the E from Exactly and the Z from Zero make budgeting “EZ”, but the general idea is true.  When we use that formula to plan every dollar in to giving, saving, and spending categories it makes it so much easier to control where the money actually goes so we don’t have to wonder where it went.

Next time you find yourself wondering where the money went think of yourself like you think of your kids when they don’t follow the plan, and ask yourself the question, “Did I make a specific and EZ plan for the dollars I’m missing, and did I obey those instructions?”

Filed Under: Family, Money

Be Careful When You Cheat

June 4, 2013 by Leave a Comment

It’s not what you think.  The context I’m talking about “cheating” in is not one we normally think of.  I’m not referring to cheating on a relationship, in a game, or ay other type of contest.  I’m talking about cheating on plans.

How’s that diet and exercise plan going right now?  How’s that spend more time doing things you love plan going?  How’s that financial plan going?  Have you cheated on any of these lately?  It’s ok – really!  I’m not beating anyone up for cheating.  I can cheat on diet and exercise with the best of them (not to mention other things).  But the problem we all have to be careful of is cheating on plans without planning to compensate.

For example – ideally if I eat something that wasn’t part of my diet plan I’ll add something to the exercise plan to compensate for it.  When I use my time for something other than I planned to use it for ideally I can make up that time somewhere else so that I still accomplish the things important to me.  When we cheat on our budget and use funds intended for one category for another category, we should make up for that in another category.

It’s no secret that most people lack the discipline to stick to every plan perfectly.  Our minds change.  We lose focus.  Our motivation wavers in moments of weakness.  But we must accept that when we don’t follow the plan something is going to compensate whether we want it to or not.  If I blow up the diet I’m going to have to exercise more or fall short of the fitness goal I want to accomplish (or let it take more time).  If I skip quality time with my family I have to make time available to replace that or miss out on those moments forever.  If I spend money on eating out that wasn’t in the plan I won’t have as much money as I wanted to have for vacation (or it will take longer to save it).

The common denominator in any of those scenarios is time – the great equalizer.  All plans require time.  We can either stick to the plan, compensate, or accept that the goal will take more time.  The easiest option is to avoid the discipline of sticking to a plan and simply accept that reaching goals will take more time.  Why rush goals when I can eat what I want now, make urgent what seems urgent now, and buy whatever I want now?  Just accepting that goals will take more time enables us to cheat on plans without compensating.  It enables us to lack discipline.

It is the lack of discipline to stick to plans or compensate and adjust to changed plans appropriately that makes so many people fall short of their hopes, plans and dreams.  A little cheat here and a little cheat there never hurt anybody…until it adds up over time into a mountain of lost opportunities.  So be careful when you cheat – it could cost you something you can’t get back, time.

Filed Under: Health, Money, Relationships

Why I’m Not Refinancing My Mortgage…Again

March 6, 2013 by 1 Comment

mortgage interest refinance

For many people refinancing the mortgage is something they should SERIOUSLY consider.  Interest rates are at all time lows lately, and with the housing market starting to rebound interest rates will soon begin to rebound upward as well.  Two days in a row I got an offer from the bank to refinance my mortgage, and I posted something on social media about it not being a good deal that seemed to cause a little debate about cash flow and investing (debate taken down now – wasn’t productive).  So I’d like to clarify what my intentions were and my personal position on cash flow and investing particularly as it relates to home ownership.

First, every persons situation is different with regard to their mortgage, their monthly cash needs, their investment strategy (which involves risk tolerance), etc.  I’m not an investment advisor but I’m pretty sure they evaluate a persons unique circumstances and preferences before advising.  So – I’m just sharing my unique circumstances and preferences, not advising.

The reason I would say “not a good deal” for me is because the offer I received was suggesting I take more monthly cash flow now in return for paying more long term interest (a lower interest rate for a longer period of time is more total dollars in this case).  So all I was doing is sharing that the offer isn’t a good deal…for me.

(Keep in mind our story.  We almost lost our house when times were tough and were fortunate enough to get a re-do with the mortgage company at the end of 2006.  So I have a special perspective for the house being a basic survival need rather than an investment vehicle.  I know we could rent or live in a tent, but it would be way more awesome if we had a paid for house.)

I already refinanced back in 2010 from 6.72% down to 3.875% and moved from a 30 year mortgage with 26 years left down to a 15 year mortgage.  My payment went up only $8 per month to do this and I shaved 11 years off the payoff.  That’s exciting enough, but what really cemented this decision for me was the difference in long term interest is a LOT less.  So that deal made sense for me.  The new offer was basically asking me to go back in the other direction – back to a 30 year mortgage, lowering my payment by $380 per month, but paying more long term b/c of all the 12 additional years of payments.

The possible reasons for taking a deal that extends the loan to improve monthly cash flow are countless.

  • “What if you need that extra money every month to pay bills?”  At least for now and the foreseeable future that isn’t the case for me, but if it were then that’s a factor to consider.
  • “What if you invested that extra money every month and earned more than the mortgage interest and reduced tax credit?”  I already save and invest with a fairly balanced approach (for my risk tolerance) and my house is one of my safe investments (although I don’t think of it that way very often).
  • “What if you’re upside down on your house?”  I’m not, but if I were then I would take in to consideration whether or not a losing investment is worth paying on faster (but I am in no way whatsoever saying it’s ok to walk away from homes that are upside down – there are moral options available for those situations)
  • etc etc etc – I could go on and on and the fact of the matter is everyone has to evaluate their own situation to determine what’s best for them.

Here’s why I’d rather keep my payment where it is and finish paying off my house faster rather than freeing up monthly cash.

  • We’re not upside down on our house, so every dollar I pay down is another dollar of equity.  It’s not going up in value the way houses were before, but I’m not as concerned with that as I am having a roof over my family’s head.  The closer I can get to having a paid for house the better chance I have of never facing the prospect of being homeless or paying rent – forever!  We don’t plan on moving either and we’ve learned to be content with our modest home.
  • I don’t think of my house as a short term investment – it’s a long term investment.  And like I said above I don’t think of my house so much that way.  The truth is people thinking of houses as a 3-5 year investment is what caused a housing bubble to get real big and pop in the first place.  Keeping it even more real let’s ask the question – were most people buying houses they couldn’t afford at the peak of the housing market (with economists saying there’s a bubble about to burst) as a sound investment or as a sinful and prideful desire to satisfy some craving for material possessions or status?
  • I’m doing ok month to month with my giving, saving, and investing goals and living a modestly comfortable lifestyle.  So we don’t NEED the extra monthly cash flow right now.  Let’s just be real and admit that most of us wouldn’t save/invest it anyway.  We would spend it on stuff we don’t need to impress people we don’t like (or they don’t like us), or worse yet to fill a sad void in our life that stuff will never fill.  
  • I’m saving at least a little bit for our kids college and planning to have the house paid off before they go so that we can float some of the cost of college with the money we’ll no longer be paying on the mortgage.  This is a conservative approach, but I feel that I more than make up for it with other risk in my life and investments.

Ok, enough on this.  Hopefully it helps someone see that every situation is not the same.  We all have to at least educate ourselves on a general level about the options available so that we can devise a strategy that works for us.  As for me and my house – we’re hoping to lose the mortgage sooner than later.

PS – I will not be posting this on social media, but I welcome comments here and will respond if you prefer to email me directly via the contact link 🙂
Filed Under: Money

I’m Ok With Expensive Divorce

February 19, 2013 by Leave a Comment

There’s this saying I’ve borrowed many times that goes like this, “Marriage is grand, but divorce is a hundred grand.”  Well, I’m sad to come to the realization that statement not really true.

I’ve always been under the impression that by the time you go through the legal process, divide up everything, and pay any alimony or child support that might be involved that divorce would cost many thousands of dollars.  But billboards along the highway have now educated me differently.  Several months ago I saw one that advertised divorce for like $299.  It was in a very small country town so my initial thought seriously was that’s either a broke lawyer or dumb lawyer that for whatever reason chose to be a lawyer here rather than somewhere with more people.

But then just the other day I saw another billboard that advertised divorce for $499 with an added keyword in the message – “uncontested”.  Now it all began to make sense to me.  Couples are filing for divorce and as long as it is uncontested the lawyers can just churn through them at a rate that justifies paying for large billboards (not cheap) to advertise those cheap prices.

A few years ago I read an article about how couples were holding off filing for divorce because they either couldn’t afford it while the economy was bad or because they were waiting for the value of their assets to bounce back so that they’d be worth more in divorce.  I suppose now that housing is on the rise again and the stock market is moving up again that couples are making their move and calling it quits thus increasing demand for divorce lawyers.

So, if you’re tracking what all I’ve said so far here are…

Three Divorce Business Dynamics Destroying The Institution of Marriage

  1. Demand for divorce seems to be increasing.
  2. Lawyers are conducting divorces for very cheap, even incentivizing couples for making it easy.
  3. Couples are just giving up, not contesting, not fighting for their marriage.

What is going on?  Why aren’t couples fighting to save their marriage?  Why are lawyers willing to take such low fees for divorce filing?  Please lawyers – I’m ok with the cost of divorce being very high.  Please raise it!  There will still be some divorce cases and fewer cases will actually make the job easier, and if the fee is high enough it will offset the lost opportunity of all the cases that will become saved marriages.  There will still be a way to become the stereotypical dirty and greedy lawyer, just without taking down so many peoples lives in the process.  Try being the “good” lawyer that gives people an incentive to save their marriage.

Fight people!  Marriage is not something you just pay a few hundred bucks to dispose of.  Why don’t couples spend a few hundred bucks on counseling first?  In fact, I bet most people know someone that loves them enough and wants them to save their marriage that they will pay for the $499 divorce if the couple will try $499 for counseling first.  Try something, try ANYTHING before going down to the nearest drive through divorce lawyer.

Please DON’T GIVE UP!  Marriage is worth fighting for.

Filed Under: Money, Relationships

So Predictable

January 31, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Some things are so predictable aren’t they?  I know that Christmas is going to happen this year on December 25th – so predictable.  I know everyone’s birthday is going to happen on the same day this year as every other year.  I know we’ll probably try to take some sort of vacation at some point this year.  I know the odds are very high that at least one totally unexpected event will happen this year.

The great thing about all that predictability in my life is I can plan for it and do everything in my power to be prepared for it.  Rather than ignore those things until they’re upon me, or let them just “slip my mind”, I can be intentional.  With all this predictability there’s no reason to ever have to use a credit card to pay for those things.

The only problem is it takes work and discipline to do this type of preparation.  There’s always a catch huh – we can’t just give everyone a money tree.  Stop whining and get busy!

Filed Under: Money

What To Do When A Budget Category Doesn’t Get Spent

January 15, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Have you ever faced this challenge?  You get to the end of the month and there is a budget category or two that didn’t get all spent.  That’s a good challenge to have because it means there is actually money left over at the end of the month.

Keep in mind I’m a saver so my biased opinion is to put extra money towards a savings goal or debt payment.  If you don’t have an emergency fund in place that’s probably the best thing you could do with any extra money, but that’s the saver in me talking.  If all the debt is payed off except the house then I might even do something crazy like put extra towards the house payment.  Those are saver-minded ideas.

The spenders are revolting as they read those ideas.  They want to spend it on something, anything other than holding it in an account or putting it towards debt that could always wait another month to get paid down (the procrastispender – I just made that up – trademark).  They would rather blow it all at a single expensive restaurant than see it put behind bars in a bank.

See how this could cause a problem?  Everyone is going to choose a little differently what they do with any budgeted funds that are not yet spent at the end of the month.

Shawna and I did the dining out thing with leftover funds for a while, as long as it wasn’t a ridiculous amount of money.  One couple we know actually started transferring the extra discretionary funds into a separate account for the spender to do whatever they want with it.  Another approach might be to roll the extra funds into the next month to spend more on whatever the particular budget category is the following month (this is still a lot like saving but might be a good compromise for discretionary categories).  Maybe you have a shared plan, hope, or dream that can be contributed to with the extra funds (like a giving goal or a Disney Vacation).

Whatever you choose to do with the extra I would challenge you to consider whether or not adjustments are needed in the budget.  If the extra funds are from a fixed category then that needs to be adjusted on the budget.  If the extra funds are from a discretionary category challenge yourselves to reduce that category to what you really intend to spend.

How do you manage extra money at the end of a budget?

Filed Under: Money, Relationships

The Prosecution Rests

November 5, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Arguing is a great skill to have… if you’re a lawyer.  I’m told that my Papa (grandpa on Mom’s side) was on track to become a lawyer until he met Grandma, fell in love, and went the family route.  I bet Papa could argue a pretty strong case .  When he was passionate about something he spoke so strongly and with so much conviction about it.  Some of those arguing abilities might have made it down to me.  I was on track to become President before I met Shawna, fell in love, and chose the family route.  President of what, I don’t know.  But I’m sure it would have been something amazing.

The difference between arguments in marriage and arguments in court is there is no jury or judge, so you’re like a defendant making your case to the plaintiff and hoping they change their mind about wanting to throw you in jail.  You’ve already lost before you began because if they were going to agree with you there wouldn’t be anything to argue.  So emotions escalate along with vocal volume and tears until one or both of you are hurt and angry.

So what can you do to resolve money related conflicts (or any conflict in marriage for that matter)?

Listen

Shut mouth and open ears.  Even the best defense lawyers have to listen to opposing statements in order to understand where the opposing counsel is going with the case.  Too often when conflict arises we jump to defense mode thinking that our spouse is now the opposing counsel and we have to strengthen our case to defeat them.  How about this idea – our spouse is not the enemy.  They are our partner – on the same team.  They are guilty as charged of whatever point of view they have that is in opposition to our own.  Now we have to find a way to work with it.

Work Towards Compromise

When we accept that we’re on the same team with no case to win the only option is to accept a plea bargain – together.  The plea bargain must be something that benefits both spouses.  One spouse wants to save for X while the other wants to spend on Y & Z.  Why can’t you do both?  Usually we think we can’t do both because we’re impatient and working towards both goals at the same time will take longer.  Why isn’t that ok?

I’d rather accept a plea bargain with my spouse any day than end up on opposite sides of the courtroom against my spouse – fighting a real legal battle that in the end no one comes out a winner.  How about you?

Filed Under: Money, Relationships
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