It has started – the premarital class at NewSpring. Not long ago I mentioned in this post a little of how I feel about PRE-marriage counseling and the excitement I had to see how NewSpring was going to do it. Well now I’ve gotten a first glimpse and it is just as anything else NewSpring does – EXCELLENT.

Since that recent post we were contacted by one of the pastors who knew we were interested in being involved. He invited us to attend the premarital class to give our feedback and become familiar with how they’re doing it so that in the future we can possibly be involved in a small group or mentoring type capacity. Of course we agreed.

I didn’t realize what it would be like as a couple married six and a half years sitting in a premarital class. To have an objective view we have to try and take ourselves back to that six month time period before we got married. That changes everything. The old saying “hind site is 20/20” applies well to this scenario. It’s very easy for us to look back and realize how important premarriage counselling is, but to have an objective view of the class I have to ask myself, “What would it have taken six months before our wedding to REALLY communicate and teach us the things we needed to know. What would have really gotten through to our love stricken wills to make us receive the counselling as it was intended?”

As I sat there taking notes of almost everything being said I realized that I might not have given enough credit to our premarriage counsellor’s intentions (the guy who counselled Shawna and me). He probably meant well. I mean he gave us a nice survey that we were supposed to talk about and resolve our differences (we just pretty much agreed on everything and didn’t really discuss any of it). But he didn’t push us by stressing the inevitable facts of life. Why didn’t he stress the importance of digging up red flags for us to address (cause Lord knows we had them).

Maybe my negative assumptions from before were true. He was too busy to give us more time. He might have considered premarriage counselling a burdensome “ministry” in general. He might have even been bothered by the fact that he was having to do this favor for my father-in-law. But what if I give him some benefit of the doubt. What if he is really passionate about premarriage counselling but he knows how hard it is to get young “in-love” people to listen and receive wise counsel? Remember this post about “in-love”. What if he could see in our eyes that we just couldn’t be helped, that we just weren’t going to focus on future problems now or at least postpone our wedding much less change our minds about getting married at all?

What if we were all just going through the motions to give us a check mark to say we had premarriage counselling and were good to go for the wedding. I think a lot of couples and ministers treat it that way.

Jake Beaty and his team (David Nimmons, Julie Keith, even his wife Suzanne, etc) have done an excellent job putting together the material for this class. Everything is well referenced in the Bible and well organized in the outline. It is very thorough and appropriate. I have no doubt that the NewSpring team is 100% on target with the content and their passion and intention for the class.

I just can’t get it out of my mind that it is almost impossible to get even the best message through to engaged people. They’re right smack in the middle of having the “in-love” experience and their blind to a lot of reality. You can look around the room and tell which ones are or are not past the illusion of being “in-love”.

So as far as my feedback after one session goes… Excellent. I was skeptical about the classroom setting but I think it works for such brilliant material the team is delivering. The approach of “we kinda want to talk you out of it” is good. Suzanne did a great job reminding us why we didn’t want kids but we’re so blessed God had a different plan. Everyone in the class isn’t gonna want kids either now. Everything was so good. My mind is just racing around the thought of how to break that “in-love” haze in the eyes and get people to take it as seriously as it is intended.

I’m sure I’ll be more and more impressed with each session to come and I’ll probably get over it, but for now my mind is racing through thoughts of how to get through to such a dumb audience. I say it that way cause I was in those shoes myself – seven years ago. I wouldn’t trade my marriage for anything, but we have made it through struggles that a lot of relationships don’t survive. Those are the people I’m passionate to reach – before they get married.

k, so we’ve got these new friends we’re enjoying getting to know better so I’d like to talk about them a little bit. You might know this guy, Orion Irby. Well, he isn’t really a “new” friend, more of an “old” friend. Not that he’s “old”, well older than me. Really it’s just that we knew each other a few years ago from going to the YMCA at the same ridiculous time of morning (dude can shoot a basketball but he won’t admit it) and then just happened to cross paths again at the greatest church on earth that you’re all probably tired of hearing me talk about – NewSpring. It was kinda hard to miss him in the endless crowd of people cause he was on stage – playing drums.

Ladies don’t get too crazy. I know he’s a bit of a rockstar, but he’s taken. Meet his wonderful wife Kimberly. Kim is so sweet. I didn’t know her before we ran in to them at NewSpring, but I’m glad to know her now. She and big-O together make Shawna and I laugh. Orion is so witty and Kim is so tolerant. She doesn’t miss a beat when O makes one of his smart alleck comments. This is an awesome couple. They have two beautiful little girls 5 yrs old (Alex) and 1 yr old (Sam) and a puppy named Quincy.

Our kids play well together for the most part. I mean Devin doesn’t get too upset that he’s the only boy in the group and Skyler doesn’t realize being called “the 3 yr old” by a 5 yr old is like a little kid cut down or something.

I think Orion is the greatest drummer I’ve ever seen. Not because he can do tricks better or worse than anyone else (although he is very good technically) but because he does it with style and feeling that it takes a very special talent. Not only is he talented. I think it is a God given annointing when a musician has the ability to express worship musically AND connect with anyone watching in a way that allows them to freely worship too. I’ve heard several people say the drummer is their favorite part about the music at NewSpring. If you’ve ever heard NewSpring’s band that is a major statement because they all rock. Go check out some of the service videos on NewSpring’s site and see for yourself. He isn’t playing in every service any more, but almost all of the ones previous to March 07.

That reminds me of a funny story. Recently Orion was chillin out in the lobby between services and lost track of the time. He blames it on me because we had just bumped in to each other and started talking, but dude was late getting back up on stage. I’m from a pentacostal background so I’ve seen some people run in church, but Orion won an unofficial gold medal that day in the 100 yd dash.

Last week we went and hung out with Orion and Kim at the first of a new social event they’re having in downtown Anderson where there was a band. They were good if you like the kind of music they do, but their drummer was wiggin me out – wierd (I should have taken a picture). So I was once again reminded of the excellence of big-O on drums. He could have made the freaky Blue Dog drummer look like a middle schooler taking lessons from a blind deaf amputee – just my opinion. Anyway, enough about drums that I don’t know as much about as I talk like I do…

We’ve been enjoying some time with these folks and some other new friends (Matt & Rea, Gizz & Jessica) hanging out on Friday nights a little bit. I’ve boosted everyone’s ego when playing games because I can’t draw like I used to, I don’t do acting very well, and I don’t have a lot of useless knowledge in my brain. I try to play along even though there are moments where I’d like to call em all outside for some sport, any sport, as long as I can stomp em at it. I can’t wait to plan a gathering with more of all our friends all together at once. The game mafia comes to mind and it will be a late night. It’s gonna be a blast if we can ever make it happen.

Memories in the making…

Recently I did mulch in my flower beds. My friend Chris Brabham came and helped me. What a blessing because I didn’t have to do it all by myself and I had someone to talk to while I did it. Not to mention it is always nice to spend some quality time with friends. I loved it.

Then the very next weekend I had the opportunity to give of myself by helping my friend Ray Orzechowski with mulch. This time I recruited help from our friend Jeff Southerland and we did it while Ray wasn’t even home. He was surprised. It was fun.

The best part of the time we helped Ray is that Jeff and I were just talking away while we spread mulch, then when we got finished we realized we still had a lot of mulch left. We stood around and goofed off for a few minutes and debated a couple of times about what we should do with the extra mulch. Thank goodness we didn’t just start piling it on thicker before we noticed the two more huge flower beds out away from the house. We laughed off and on for about 10 minutes. It was hilarious. We didn’t tell Ray about it though. He would have never let us live it down.

Once again I got fired up by a brother blogger (as if I’m in his league) today. This time it is Joe Sangl, my financial counselor. He wrote this post and at the end asked for what we’ve learned and I wrote some thoughts that actually applied to the subject before I went off on a tangent. I had to apologize for preaching on his comments page. Since I shouldn’t have done it there I can always put it on my own page, so here’s what I wrote:

I think Shawna and I have learned that half the battle is communicating about money without getting mad and throwing our hands up. Also, bringing an outside perspecitive and source of accountability and encouragement (your class and counseling) has helped us to realize where our communication breakdowns have been. We’re not only learning how to manage our finances but we’re learning how to communicate about them as well. It is so awesome when we’re both on the same page. We can almost enjoy the money game.

One of our hot buttons is pre-marriage counseling because ours was terrible. So now we have a bunch of our own ideas about what it should be like. Well, one thing we believe now is that every couple should have to go through your financial counseling (or a similar variation of it) before they get married and for about a year after being married. That might sound radical but money is one of the most common causes of divorce and I thik some radical thinking and action is the only thing that’ll ever put a dent in that. If churches would stop putting a band-aid on needs like pre-marriage counseling then maybe there would be a lot less post-marriage problems sucking the life out of churches.

As you can tell I feel pretty strongly about this – so much so I went a little overboard in my comments on Joe’s page. In case you’re wondering who did mine and Shawna’s pre-marriage counseling – don’t worry, it wasn’t either of our preacher fathers. It was the pastor of a very large Church of God in Atlanta – that should narrow it down without calling any names. He was supposed to be doing Hal (Shawna’s dad) a favor so we could get counseling from outside the family. We got “special” treatment because of their acquaintence and this guy graced us with an opportunity to appear before him for two 30 minute sessions – to counsel us on a lifetime future in marriage. Thank God we’ve found our way through six years because many couples don’t.

I know all that sounds very negative and ungrateful towards a man that does a good job at a good church. But why isn’t it excellent? In my opinion this issue should be right up near the top along with the emphasis our pastor, Perry, puts on children and youth ministry.

When people say what their top life experiences are what do you usually hear? The day I accepted Christ, the day I was married, and the day I had children. Guess what – all three of those can be in one way or another tied to marriage. The church is Christ’s bride and we’re to model our relationship with Christ and our marriages after Christ’s love for the church. The day you get married is a big deal but it is just a wedding day, and I won’t get started on how people plan more for that than they do for the 60 years following it. And having children is the reproduction God intended to come from married relationships. I don’t claim to be an expert about all this stuff but dang it seems important. Why aren’t more people taking marriage counseling seriously?

Do churches view marriage counseling as a burden or an unworthy cause because it isn’t a ministry? Maybe that’s not it but is it given as much attention as the women’s ministries or mens ministries? These are often times just outlets for couples to just get away from each other and thus avoid their problems – and that’s supposed to be ok as long as they live their whole miserable lives that way and never set a happy example for their children or grandchildren.

We’ll look at a graduating senior from high school or college like they’re an idiot for not going to a college or career counselor, but we see young people getting married without any counseling at all. Or, if they are getting counseling they’re getting a joke of an excuse for it like what Shawna and I got. I’m starting to ramble now but it’s frustrating to think about six and half years of marriage now and so many things could have been easier if we would have had good PRE-marriage counselling.

You can hate me for doing it again if you want, but I’m mentioning it again… Our church, awesome, is getting ready to start some new counseling from what I hear, and I can’t wait to see if we can get involved in some way. I at least can’t wait to hear of it’s success – hope it reaches a lot of people and changes their lives, shows them where to go for answers and how to endure the challenges they will inevitably face – and stay together. I’ve already heard one of the pastors talking about how one of the thoughts they want to keep in the back of their mind is to challenge couples in a way that is almost trying to convince them not to get married. I can see NewSpring being downright bold about that approach and still getting positive results. I can’t wait to see it happen.

This won’t be the last you hear out of me on this subject…

So have you watched anybody lately?? One of the things I look for when I’m watching people is whether or not they’re wearing a wedding ring. Of course whatever story I make up about them might hinge completely on whether or not they’re actually wearing their wedding ring because so many people don’t. So I want to share some of my thoughts on why people don’t wear their wedding rings and make some comments about each reason…

Why some people don’t wear their wedding rings??

It doesn’t fit.
Get it sized! This is not an excuse not to wear it because it is too cheap to get a ring sized. If you take it to the jeweler you bought it from they will probably do it for free. I caught a good friend of mine without his ring on and he told me it was because it was broken or small or something. He’s a good man, so just the fact that I was a good enough friend to question him about it spurred him on to go get it fixed. Don’t put it off – the ring matters.

Workplace won’t allow jewelry for safety reasons around equipment.
I used to have to deal with this one when I was a manager in manufacturing. Here’s what I did…Put it on after work! It’s not that hard. I put it on my car keys so I would remember it as soon as I grabbed my keys to go home.

Forgot it.
What else do you forget? I hope you never forget the fact that your married and your ring communicates that to anyone who sees you wearing it. I know sometimes “I forgot” is legit (it happens to Shawna more often than me because I never have to take mine off anymore), but 99% of the time there is no reason to “forget”. Apply some method of reminding yourself like I mentioned about putting it on my car keys. You probably can’t forget to leave anywhere without your car keys.

Just don’t like wearing it.
I think you’re selfish. I don’t like wearing anything but I’m over it because it’s expected that I don’t run around naked everywhere. Get used to it and wear your ring.

Cheating.
I don’t care what kind of problems your marriage is going through – cheating is wrong. I’ve watched enough crap at airports, hotels, in corporate office environments, etc – to have a pretty good idea of when someone is the cheating type (with or without their wedding rings on). As a matter of fact I’ve learned some visual cues from a private investigator who catches cheaters for a living. Maybe you use one of the other excuses not to wear your ring and you don’t cheat. But what if other people think you aren’t wearing your ring because you want to appear available – like a cheater would do?? That should be enough to make you get over any excuse, avoid the appearance of evil, and WEAR YOUR RING.

Not married yet.
Oh, that explains it… just kidding. But don’t be living together and/or having sex before your married either. This is another thing a little people watching experience will teach how to read – whether or not unmarried people are having sex. I’m not being judgmental either. I made mistakes and that’s why I can tell you it wasn’t worth it. I’ve never heard anybody who waited say it wasn’t worth it to wait, but we’ve all heard at least a million times from those of us who didn’t wait but wish we would have…

Back to the subject – If your marriage is important to you then you should feel uncomfortable without that wedding ring on. It is a symbol of your undying commitment to your spouse. Wear it like you mean it.