When the subject of boomerangers and/or grown children who constantly need financial help from the parents comes up there are several concerns the parents have that make them fearful of showing tough love.  The two most common I hear are:

• What if they keep my grandkids away from me?
• What if they hate me the rest of my life?

Being afraid of the grandkids being kept from us is selfish.  It is OUR responsibility to help our kids GO tackle the real world on their own two feet.  If they try to punish us with more immature behavior that is on them.  We have to be willing to make the sacrifices necessary to teach our kids to GO.  Do we want this to be a generational problem that is passed on to the grandkids so that they end up being boomerangers too because we weren’t willing to do the right thing and teach their parents wisdom that they can pass down to them?  If we let fear of not seeing our grandchildren prevent us from doing the right thing we aren’t doing the grandchildren any favors.

The chance of our kids hating us for the rest of our life if we show them tough love is a risk we’re already taking.  Are we afraid of hurting their feelings when we yell at them or yank their arm out of socket to keep them from walking in front of a car?  Will we be worried about their feelings if they’re trying to kill one of their siblings?  Why should we be worried about their feelings as they kill their financial future and that of their children?  Remember this post about inheriting poverty?  This is your opportunity to end or prevent the curse.

The chances are at some point in everyone’s life this stuff is going to be learned one way or the other.  Our kids are either going to learn how to manage their own resources and love us for teaching them how, or they’re going to dwindle our resources until there are none (whether we’re alive or dead) and wonder why we never taught them.  They’re either going to learn it from us through a tough but loving relationship, or they’re going to learn it from someone tougher and meaner than us with no love for them at all.  Either way there is a chance that when it comes to their finances they might love or hate us for how we do or don’t teach them.  I’d rather take my chances on teaching them.

Think about this – if a boomerang child is unwilling to accept the tough truth about being a self sufficient adult then they are probably loving us for the wrong reason in the first place.  Is that the kind of love we want to have with our children when they’re grown?

Something has gone terribly wrong in our culture in the past decade or so.  You love them, feed, clothe and shelter them, and teach them the way they should GO (Proverbs 22:6).  But they come back.  Maybe we aren’t teaching them as well as we thought.  This might describe your adult-age kids or you might need to read this to prevent this from describing your kids when they become adult-age.  They have been referred to as the Boomerang Generation because they leave only to come back against your true will.  I’m not even at this stage in life as a parent yet, but I have counseled dozens of people who are.  Therefore I have seen what works and doesn’t work with regards to the boomerang situation, and I have hopes and plans for how I will manage it when my kids are grown.  The ultimate goal is to raise kids that come back to visit but not move in.

Notice I said they come back against your “true” will.  We’re parents.  We don’t want to reject our children and kick them to the curb during a time of need, but it also isn’t our will to have them back in the house after we thought they were gone.  Our true will is for them to stand on their own feet and become productive citizens.

I’m using the word “we” quite loosely because the fact of the matter is most of the time there isn’t much “we” in the decision making process for how to treat the boomerang child.  Often one spouse is in favor of allowing the boomerang child to move back in and the other is not so much in agreement.  This issue can cause SERIOUS frustration in the marriage of the parents and SERIOUS strain on their finances.  Not to mention if the boomerang child is married the SERIOUSNESS is amplified by a lot.  Yes – this is a problem that is out of control because parents don’t know what to do.

I’ve read some good simple advice that says to do three basic things: Establish a Time Limit, Set Financial Boundaries, Respect Privacy.  Those are very good generalities, but I’ve met with countless parents who know those basic things but have a very skewed perception on how to define them in their situation.  For example – a single mom with an average income, a significant debt-load, no retirement savings, and barely living paycheck to paycheck SHOULD NOT be paying ALL the bills and feeding her boomerang daughter – along with her boyfriend and their baby – so that they can use the money they earn at their job only to pay for their fun.  Yes – I’ve counseled that person.

Let’s face it.  For most people the bottom line problem with an adult child moving back home is the financial implication.  Yes – their personal development, everyones privacy, and your sanity are all very important too.  But I’d venture to say the only reason they come back is money.  They either haven’t figured out how to earn some or they haven’t figured out how to manage it.  So here are my more detailed additions to the suggestions of what your expectations might be to be perfectly fair while challenging and encouraging the boomerangers to become independent adults:

Establish A Time Limit:

Set Financial Boundaries:

• Help pay SOME bills.  Limit the “some”.
• Do not put more effort into improving their situation than they are willing to put in their self.
• Do not pay for their entertainment if they cannot pay for their own cell phone.  This is a pet peeve of mine you can read about it here.
• If the boomeranger has no job and cannot pay for anything with money require them to earn what they get by doing work around the house.

Respect Privacy:

• Be respectful of the boomeranger’s privacy to the extent that they respect yours.
• Be quiet when they’re on the phone and expect the same, share dinner prep and cleanup responsibility, etc.
• Give them alone time and expect the same.
• Leave their stuff alone and expect the same.
• But if they’re spending YOUR money you deserve to know what they are doing with theirs.  When they move out of your house they can have their full privacy back.

I’m sure there is more we could add to these guidelines especially based on everyones unique circumstances.  What suggestions could you add?

A blog I enjoy reading regularly has a good related article –  Helping vs. Enabling