Practice What You Preach

October 11, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

Have you ever felt like you failed to take your own advice? That happens to me sometimes. My daughter, Skyler, is very energetic and she loves dance and gymnastics. At home she will often practice her cart-wheels, handstands, round-offs, round-house, upper-cut… The problem with that is there isn’t a lot of room for that kind of activity inside our house because there is either stuff or people to potentially break or hurt with flying arms and feet. So we’re constantly telling Skyler, “You probably shouldn’t do that in the house. We don’t want you to get hurt.”

Because I’m such a great dad I have practiced cart wheels and hand stands a little bit too (and everyone’s favorite acrobatic move I do is the cheerleader-style toe-touch, it’s fabulous). Of course where have I done this – in the house, exactly where we advise Skyler not to do the acrabatics. I’m normally pretty careful about choosing a safe area where no one is around and nothing is in the way, until a few days ago…

I don’t remember why Iwas in a goofy mood with about six excited children in the house that day, and I don’t know what I was thinking, but I decided to do a cart-wheel going in a different direction in the house than I had ever done it before. I had told Skyler many times not to do this. I had seen Skyler get hurt doing it. I had even seen Joe Sangl get hurt doing it (yes – he got excited at our house one time too and did a cart-wheel that didn’t end well – Skyler has such an influence on us to test our acrobatic inability). As I made the approach all of the red flags were flashing through my mind and in a split second I thought, “I shouldn’t be doing this” and “I got it, it’s ok”. Then…

WHACK!!

The bottom of my foot, at the inside part of my heel crashed onto the corner of our coffee table. Thank goodness I didn’t break anything, including my foot.. I rolled around on the floor in pain with my wife Shawna laughing at me the whole time, and then of course I got up quickly to act like everything was alright. I had made the same mistake I normally advise Skyler not to make. I wasn’t practicing what I had been preaching.

That can happen in lots of areas of our life if we’re not careful. In marriage it is important to live by the same expectations we have of our spouse. As parents it is important to set the example of what we expect our kids to follow. As leaders it is important to be living what we are teaching.

That is one of the most important things we teach financial coaches – to be living what we are teaching. It can be so easy to slack off and not be disciplined to stick to the plan or the budget. It can be so easy to put off reaching that next goal over and over again in order to do spontaneous and fun stuff whenever we want. In order to effectively teach others we have to be living what we are teaching.

When is the last time you slipped up and failed to practice what you preach? My heel still hurts 🙂

Filed Under: Family, Money, Personal Growth, Stories

The New Call of Duty Game

October 5, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

This is too funny, so I have to share it…

John Crist is my newest favorite comedian because he does funny stuff about church, and that is hilarious to me because of my experience with lots of churches of many types throughout my life.

He recently hit on a subject that is so true in our current culture. Married men are increasingly the primary demographic for video games. Particularly, the game Call of Duty is very popular. We can be manly men in that game, blowing stuff up and taking names, and still be home for dinner. And I’ve heard some great reasons for games being a good form of entertainment:

It’s relatively cheap compared to other alternatives (such as paintball, and that isn’t very manly compared to blowing stuff up)
It’s something our sons enjoy and can do with us (and some daughters, the tom-boy ones probably)
It’s a good release, me time, man time. I’ve read that men who get to watch a manly movie every now and then, or play a manly game, are more likely to be passionate husbands (that’s a good thing).

The problem, as is true with anything in life, is getting off-balance. When the hobby becomes an obsession that consumes massive amounts of time and energy. Let’s face it. It isn’t cheap anymore if we’re forfeiting the opportunity to work a few more hours and increase our income. It isn’t something good to do with our kids if it is the only thing we do together and they barely know us outside the game. It isn’t a good release if we’re more consumed with playing another round every night than we are going to bed with our wife.

I love games too, and if I wanted to I could let it be the only thing my son and I do because he is very in to games. But I just can’t do that, and honestly I’m not THAT in to games to even want to do that. I recently heard a statistic about kids who game all the time are a lot more likely to have problems with a long list of stuff later in life. That’s reason enough for me to limit how much gaming happens in my house. Anyway… Check out this video – John makes humor about the next Call of Duty game that might not be popular but we need to love it more than any of the others.

Filed Under: Family, Money, Personal Growth, Relationships

Financial Intimacy

September 26, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word intimacy? Is it romance (women), sex (men), or just love and googley-eyes? Our intimacy reflects the depth of our relationship, our level of togetherness in heart, mind, body, and soul. I’m learning more and more with time that what I should think of when it comes to intimacy is communication. We must be able to communicate well in our relationship in order to experience the kind of deep intimacy God designed marriage for.

Guess what obstacle often gets in the way of having good communication in marriage – MONEY. If we are holding back our emotions as they relate to money then we are preventing an opportunity to share intimacy through that communication. If we are unwilling to listen and care about each others emotions related to money then we are preventing the opportunity to grow intimacy through that communication. What if that one missing link in communication is the only thing preventing a much deeper level of overall relational intimacy?

I know money isn’t the most important thing in marriage, but it IS one of the most common root causes for divorce. Maybe that wouldn’t be the case if couples were being more intentional about having better financial communication. What if we thought of a budget like we do a bouqet of flowers or a scandalous lingerie? I’m betting that would improve financial intimacy.

Filed Under: Money, Relationships

Weekend Reading – Marriage and Money Issues

September 16, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

Here’s some weekend reading to check out.

Bad Economy? A good time for a steamy affair. – It is really sad and disgusting the disregard our society has for faithfulness and marriage.

Is Money Pulling Your Marriage Apart? – “A couple with $10,000 in debt and no savings is twice as likely to divorce as a couple with no debt and $10,000 in savings.” I believe the statistic but can’t validate it first hand. However, I can validate the fact that stress is a lot different with savings and no debt.

10 Most Divorced States (slideshow) – Finances is cited as one of the biggest reasons for divorce in most of the states. Some states making it too easy to get divorced is also noted. Interestingly enough couples getting married too young is also noted as a predictor of marriage failure. I’m proud to see South Carolina is not on the list but is mentioned as a state that makes it difficult for couples to divorce without taking a lot of time to reconsider.

How To Be A Better Parent In 4 Seconds – More important than money, this one is about one way to be a better parent. Just read it. Jon Acuff is one of my favorite bloggers because he is very witty while adding helpful insight.

Filed Under: Family, Money, Reading, Relationships

One Major Step Closer to Divorce

September 15, 2011 by Mark Asbell 1 Comment

It’s easy to understand the odds of divorce are much greater when a couple has lying, cheating, or physical/mental abuse in their relationship. But many couples don’t understand how having separated finances increases the odds of divorce. I don’t know why that is so hard to imagine so I’m going to try to explain.

First of all I believe that any couple who has separated finances also has some other major lack of unity between them that could be a result of many shortfalls in the relationship. Maybe it is a serious lack of productive communication. Maybe there is a serious disconnect between sharing each others hopes, dreams, priorities, and even fears in life. The bottom line is if we’re not sharing all those things, the good and the bad, with our spouse then there is a unity problem. With that said I believe as the unity problem begins to show the splitting of the finances is one major step closer to divorce.

Here are a couple of common reasons the decision is made to split up the finances:

One of you is terrible with money. Your spouse can’t trust you because of your perpetual mistakes and/or disregard for the importance of growing up and taking adult responsibility for managing money with a brain cell or two. To prevent being forever broke your spouse has chosen to put distance between you and their financial security.
One or both of you are way too independent of the other. God created marriage for the two of us to become one. We share a brain. We do better when we work together. We help each other and take care of each others needs. I have news for Mr. or Mrs. Independent. Deep inside every person wants to be needed or wanted. If you’re not sharing that with your spouse then someone else eventually will and then it will be too late for you to wake up and realize independence ain’t all that.

Occasionally I run across newly married couples or engaged couples who have not taken the steps yet to combine their financial lives. To anyone in those early stages hear the warning in this question. WHY HAVEN’T YOU COMBINED YOUR FINANCES YET? Now read on because this next part will also give you perspective.

For the couples who have been married a while and thought about combining the finances but for some reason chose not to, or worse you had the money combined at one time but now you have chosen to separate it again – I have a list of questions you need to ask yourself and wrestle through WITH your spouse.

Do you trust your spouse?
Can you be trusted by your spouse?
Are you being dishonest about how the money is being spent? (financial infidelity)
Are you cheating on your spouse? (yes – like having an affair or looking at porn! Separating the finances AFTER having them combined is a HUGE warning sign that unfaithfulness exists in the relationship)

If you’re not open and transparent with each other about money, sharing the rewards and consequences as one interwoven unit, then I would have serious doubts that you’re open and honest with each other about other areas of your life.

Filed Under: Money, Relationships

What Now That You’re Debt Free?

September 13, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

Now that Shawna and I are Debt Free we’ve been getting this question from people that we didn’t really see coming. Not that we don’t know the answer. We just didn’t anticipate so many people would care. The question usually goes like this, “What’s next now that you’re debt free.”

Great question! Short answer – save more, invest more, give more, and spend just a little bit more. The bottom line is not much is going to change for us other than the money that was going to debt is now going to the productive things we started doing from the very beginning of our financial turnaround. In December 2006 our financial mentality and behavior changed FOREVER, not just for long enough to get debt free.

Shawna and I are not one of those couples who cut everything fun and discretionary out of our lives and ate rice and beans the whole time we were getting debt free. People who do that get a lot of attention but in my opinion all that hype sets unrealistic expectations for the rest of us.

Filed Under: Money Tagged With: Debt

Get Help Now!

September 8, 2011 by Mark Asbell 1 Comment

One of many trends we notice about financial coaching is people are requesting appointments but then either not showing up, postponing over and over, or canceling completely. A year or so later they come back desperate for help but they’ve waited until it’s TOO LATE!

Shawna and I were talking about this dilemma and recalled that we were on our very last straw when we finally got help. But the difference was we didn’t know how or where help was even available. Our church, NewSpring, had not even started their personal finance ministry when we were hitting rock bottom. Joe Sangl had just been hired there but we didn’t even know about him or what he was going to be doing. It was God’s timing that NewSpring started a personal finance ministry and Joe showed up right after we hit rock bottom.

There are tons of people who are learning about personal finance ministry for the first time right before or after they are hitting rock bottom. THOSE ARE NOT THE PEOPLE I’M TALKING ABOUT! The people I’m talking about are people who have known that there are resources (books, classes, one on one coaching) available and they’re choosing not to take advantage of them or reach out for help in any way until it is way too late.

The Underlying Reasons For Not Getting Help:

There are lots of excuses for not getting help, but they mostly lead to one of the following underlying issues.

Pride

Whether broke or wealthy pride prevents people from getting a coaches advice because people are either unwilling to be transparent about the true situation or they’re too arrogant to take advice from anyone. Either way it is unhealthy pride.

Heart

Some are putting off getting coaching because their heart just isn’t right about money yet. They haven’t surrendered to the fact that God owns it all, we are just managers, and we have to honor God with how we use what he’s given us to manage. They’re proving that their money follows their heart as the choose bad financial behavior over Godly discipline.

Trust

This is so rare most probably don’t know what I mean. Believe it or not there are some who have legitimate concerns about trusting volunteer coaches. BUT, before anyone runs to this conclusion they should seriously wrestle with these questions.

What evidence is there that the coaches can’t be trusted?
Have the concerns been discussed with the church leadership?
Has financial advice been sought elsewhere?

If there is no good answer to those three questions I would have to argue that pride or heart is the real issue.

If you or anyone you know have been putting off getting needed help please don’t put it off any longer. There’s not much a coach can do to help when the mountain of debt is out of control and the house is already in foreclosure. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Get help now!

Filed Under: Faith, Money Tagged With: Financial Coaching

Get Rid of Financial Allergies

August 31, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

Being “allergic” to something means there is a negative reaction when that thing is present. Chances are you or someone you know is severely allergic to something so you probably know the importance of avoiding a severe allergic reaction.

When I was a kid my dad and I went out every fall for several years to cut firewood for the winter, and every time we returned with poison ivy all over us. The allergic reaction was horrible. Every part of my body that either touched the ivy or was touched by my hands that had touched the ivy was broken out. There were even times my eyes were swollen almost completely shut. I would have to practically bathe in calamine lotion to soothe the itch. I despised poison ivy.

One year my parents decided enough was enough with the poison ivy. They heard about a treatment plan that would eliminate our allergic reaction to it. It did require a weekly series of painful shots, but it was so worth it. I have never had an allergic reaction to poison ivy since then.

I recently heard someone say they’re allergic to car payments. That is actually a very loaded statement. I’m sure he doesn’t get a swollen throat and choke to death like someone highly allergic to shellfish, but what if being “allergic” to car payments was really that severe?

There are a lot of people who hate their car payment and complain about it all the time because it is hindering their ability to reach their financial goals. They get mad every time the payment is sent and some even grow to despise the car itself. Sounds like an allergic reaction to me. But the crazy thing is they go back for another one, usually before they’ve gotten rid of the one they already have.

What if I told you there is a treatment plan that would eliminate that allergic reaction? What if I told you it would require a little pain and suffering but once the treatment plan is complete you will never have another allergic reaction to car payments?

Here’s the plan – do whatever you have to do to get rid of that car payment. Say no, not right now, and maybe later to some things so that you can get rid of that car payment faster. It’s gonna be a little painful – sorta like taking a series of shots. But I can promise you it is worth the pain. One thing my wife and I did right financially early in our marriage was get rid of the car payments, and we never went back to one again. I highly recommend it.

Here’s a list of other things I’m allergic to…

credit card payments
student loan payments
basically any bills for that matter
bank fees
late charges
debt collectors
not having savings
mayonnaise
sour cream

Ok – those last two aren’t related to finances but they’re equally important to me. What are some things you’re allergic to? Go get rid of those allergies ASAP!

Filed Under: Money

Financial Influence

August 24, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

Many people claim that they “don’t care what other people think” about them, and that might be somewhat true. But I learned a long time ago that to a large degree we are all a product of what we read, what we listen to, and who we associate with. That just makes sense to me because those three general things determine what we’re learning and what we’re being influenced by.

My buddy Joe recently wrote about being influenced by financial success in this blog post. (I’ve also learned this association principle is true regarding my marriage and parenting, and more importantly my walk with God.) In Joe’s post he asks if we would be embarrassed for a financially successful person to know about how we spend money.

Embarrassing Financial Behavior

To realize poor financial behavior is embarrassing requires actually knowing what poor financial behavior is. It requires actually paying attention to how you manage money and talking about it with others. It isn’t always comfortable, especially when you beat yourself up for mistakes. But no matter how uncomfortable it is we have to talk about it in order to learn and grow.

Be careful not to confuse every single financial mistake as embarrassing behavior. We all make mistakes at some point. What is embarrassing is to never learn from those mistakes or seek advice from people who can help us. What is embarrassing is remaining in a perpetual state of financial ignorance or lack of discipline.

Bad Financial Influence

One of the biggest mistakes we can make in any area of life is being influenced by people we should NEVER take advice from. Why would I take financial or marriage advice from someone who is constantly going backwards in their finances and marriage? That sort of thing happens so easily if we’re not using careful discernment. It is ok to take advice from someone who has made mistakes, learned from it, and bounced back. It’s probably not so good to take advice from someone who is perpetually failing.

When it comes to being influenced financially there are three it is important to be aware of.

People With Something To Gain

Taking financial and marriage advice from someone who stood to gain from my finances and my time away from home was a terrible mistake. Some of their advice was sound but some of it was motivated by their own potential gain. It is very important to seek advice from people who care about you but are not personally motivated in any way by your money decisions or how you use your time.

Financial “Success” Fakers

Believe it or not there are people out there who are faking financial stability when in all reality they are just one paycheck or financial setback away from disaster. Just because someone has a big fancy house and shiny new car doesn’t mean they have it all together. What’s even worse is someone who lies about how well they’re doing instead of being transparent about their true situation and seeking some advice too. Look for people who admit they’ve learned from either their own mistakes or those of someone who taught them.

Financially Un-Biblical

The worst people to avoid for financial influence are those who are not getting their financial principles from the Bible. The last person I want to influence my thinking on finances is someone who lies, cheats, steals, or otherwise acts in a way about money that is not in line with what the Bible teaches about money. That includes anyone who is not giving, and I think it’s ok to ask.

Good Financial Influence

The post Joe wrote about being embarrassed really relates well to me. When I was broke I remember the last people I wanted to admit it to were the people I should have admitted it to the most. I knew which people in my life were having the most success financially but I let my pride prevent me from reaching out for their help. It wasn’t until our finances were a mess that I became more willing to open up and look for the right people to talk to.

A person of good financial influence is unbiased to your situation and they’re living out Biblical financial principles in their own life. One other tip I have learned is it is not always obvious who the most financially successful people are. Many are the nicest down to earth people living a modest lifestyle well below their means and you would never guess that they are wealthy just by seeing them. They’re my favorite type of examples to follow. You have to talk to them, get to know them, ask them questions, and listen carefully as the wisdom begins to show.

So what are you reading and listening to, and who are you allowing to influence you?

Filed Under: Money

I Didn’t Tell You Because…

August 17, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

“I didn’t tell you because I KNEW you would say no.” That sounds like something one of our children would say to us – right? But it is also something that happens between married couples too.

The saver is too strict about the finances – never allowing any fun. The spender has become frustrated with open communication because it always seems to result in them never getting what they want. Both spouses promised to work together, but it isn’t turning out how they imagined.

Next thing they know the frustrated spender is out buying stuff they should have discussed with the saver, and when it is found out the argument begins. The saver is mad because the savings was just spent. The spender is mad because they feel fun-deprived.

Poor spender. I’m playing a tiny violin between my fingers (I’m a saver). What if the scenario went another way.

The spender is too rebellious – always carelessly spending. The saver has become frustrated with open communication because…

Next thing they know the frustrated saver is hiding funds so the saver can’t find them, and when it is found out the argument begins. The spender is mad because the saver is holding out on them. The saver is mad because they feel security-deprived.

Poor saver. I’m sure the spenders reading this are playing a tiny violin between their fingers.

The point is we have to find a way to communicate how we feel, work together, and carefully strike a balance between fun and security. It requires being considerate of each others feelings and preferences with love and sacrificial generosity.

Filed Under: Money, Relationships