Eyes and Heart Adultery

May 1, 2007 by Leave a Comment

Before I go on with more posts on porn let me talk about why men look at porn and women typically don’t (although some do). Women typically think men are disgusting because of what I’m about to tell you, or they don’t understand that Christian and non-Christian men all struggle with this same thing.

I think the reason women don’t understand what the big deal is about how they dress is because they are wired differently and can’t relate to what is really going on when a man is “noticing” them or giving them that attention they want. Women like the attention but when they learn what men are getting out of it they’re usually less than thrilled – unless they have poor intentions of their own. These are my opinions… I’ll say this ladies – He ain’t admiring you for your charming personality. I’ll talk about that in a later post for the women.

Men are biologically designed to be sexually stimulated and gratified through sight – through their eyes. That means there is a chemical reaction in the brain when they are visually stimulated with sexual images or thoughts. Men are so driven by their desire for sexual fulfillment that they look at anything moving just to see if it might be something they like to see.

The problem is then they stare and either consciously or subconsciously they are stimulated sexually in their brain and there is a chemical reaction. It is the SAME chemical reaction that takes place when they are REALLY HAVING SEX. So female nudity on any level (even scantily dressed women) makes a man’s chemicals get all crazy like he’s really having sex. Most men go ahead and masturbate to get the full effect. Yeah – I just said masturbate on my blog again.

The chemical reaction is what causes men to be so tempted to look at porn or to stare at the short skirt walking by. What men should do is “bounce” their eyes – look away. Don’t stare. Out of sight out of mind is true in this case. Bounce your eyes and you might be able to keep lustful thoughts (conscious or subconscious) out of your mind. It’s best to not ever see anything in the first place but it is almost impossible to watch TV without seeing something you don’t need to. Not to mention anywhere you go there is likely to be at least one woman dressed too provocative. Men – bounce the eyes.

It can be very difficult to resist the temptation to look and lust, but you’ve gotta do it men. Jesus says in Matthew 5:28 “anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Thus the title of this post – Eyes and Heart Adultery. All it takes is a short glance for your subconscious to generate sexual gratification from what you see with your eyes.

Read Every Man’s Battle. It talks about all the reasons we want to give in. We’re weak, we’re mad, we’re not being fulfilled by our wives…there are lots of excuses. Every Man’s Battle talks you through them. It’s a must read for all men cause you either are struggling or you know someone who is and you can help them. By the way – don’t fool yourself by justifying what you look at and/or telling yourself that you don’t have a problem or that it’s ok sometimes etc etc etc. Quit making excuses and address the problem – your eyes.

I’m liking this porn talk – it’s making me even stronger and more passionate about my own victory – it’s been over 2 years since I confessed and gave up porn. Thanks for the comments from yesterday. I appreciate the supportive words and hope that anything I write on here will encourage people to address the porn issue head on.

Filed Under: Faith, Personal Growth, Reading, Relationships

My History With Porn

April 30, 2007 by Leave a Comment

Before I get started I just want to mention that I’ve been organizing my thoughts for a while on how I want to discuss this subject. I’ve been praying for courage to share my story. Yesterday at NewSpring I was reaffirmed by Clayton King’s message (if anything ever happened to Perry I would love to see Clayton lead NewSpring). The message was on Tolerance vs. Truth. I was reaffirmed that what I’m about to do on this blog is very difficult for me but is tough love for some who might read it. It is time for me to be bold and truthful on the subject of porn.

My story, as I see fit to share it, is going to mess everyone up. I’m calling it My Porn History for a reason. If you only read G-rated material you should probably change the channel. There’s no profanity, but I put in to words what a lot of people are already thinking or wondering or just need to know.

I think I was about four or five years old the first time I remember seeing something inappropriate (porn). My sister and I were flipping satellite channels on TV (back when a satellite meant you had a NASA dish in your yard) before our parents came home from church – dad was the pastor, a typical one that is last to leave. We stopped on a channel that had a couple making out in the back seat of a car and it showed her shirt coming off. I saw boobs for the first time. I remember it vaguely like it was yesterday. Images are burned on our brains forever you know.

How does that make you feel dads? Think your boy isn’t noticing stuff?? My boy is four now and TV has gone way downhill in 25 years since I was four. I have to watch out for the Victoria‘s Secret commercial while my son is around so I can change the channel – it’s unbelievable. We can be play fighting or whatever – not even watching TV – and a commercial like that will come on and he will stop in his tracks and be glued to the TV. By the time I look up to notice what he’s looking at there is already a half naked woman in a suggestive pose. So I scurry for the remote to change the channel. What sucks is it’s too late because that image is burned on his brain forever.

Moving on… I hear parents joke about how kids “play doctor” or “show me yours and I’ll show you mine” kinda crap. I did all that too and looking back I don’t think it was funny – at all. Nobody believes that little boys do get erections – they’re little, but they’re erect. I remember nap time in kindergarten was play time for me and a little girl who had a much older sister (don’t ask me what the teacher was doing or why she didn’t stops us because I have no idea). Let’s just say the older sister had more experience than she needed (or it was an abuse situation) and the little sister had seen it. Not good – messed me up. I couldn’t understand why she wanted to kiss me there. Thank goodness she didn’t really know what she had seen her older sister doing.

Told you this is not G-rated, almost x-rated more like it. Is my story messing you up yet?

How about this – I was 12 the first time I saw hardcore porn. It was at a friends house. His mom was a hard working single mother and obviously didn’t know the influences her son was under much less the influence he was having on me. I couldn’t believe what I saw – it seemed so wrong.
I’m just thankful that kid accepted Christ at my church when we were teenagers and is one of my best friends to this day. Dad’s you think your son is too young to be affected by what he sees? I was 4 when exposed then 12 when violated – by porn.

It didn’t get any better – I was 13 the first time I had real sex. Clearly it wasn’t her first time (again – probably abused or neglected by her father). I was such a vicitm – yeah right. Just curious and naive because I had seen porn, my body was changing, and my parents probably thought I was innocent. I hadn’t done anything before – well at least not since nap time in kindergarten. I was still young and hadn’t experienced many sensations yet. I had no clue what I was doing, but I did have a condom – they’re easy to get. Anyway, It felt like I was about to pee in my pants – only I wasn’t in my pants – and it wasn’t pee. (ok I could have left that sick part out of it but it clearly illustrates that as a 13 yr old I obviously wasn’t ready for sex.) It happened so fast I couldn’t believe what all the sex-hype was about. I didn’t have sex again for about another year and a half, but something kept drawing me to the porn – a chemical reaction in my brain I guess. More on the chemical reaction in the next post.

All through my teen years I looked at porn, masturbated, and had sex with multiple girls. My dad knew it and I don’t think he knew how to deal with me about it. For a long time I wondered if he struggled with porn too or if he might have had similar experiences with girls when he was growing up. From an early age a lot of things felt wrong but my dad never really addressed any of it.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to sound like I’m blaming my dad or the girlfriends or anybody else – like those kids we see on TV blaming their teachers for having sex with them. Those punks aren’t stupid. They know right from wrong. I knew too, but I didn’t know how or really why I should resist wrong and do right in that area of my life. Most men don’t. That’s why I believe books like Every Man’s Battle and Every Young Man’s Battle are so important.

Even after marriage I continued with porn and masturbation. How’s that for transparency? Guilt overwhelmed me over time (God used Perry’s transparency and convicting words of truth to help me man up) and I confessed to my wife and best friend, begging them to forgive me for my failure. I was so relieved to get that secret sin out of my life but my wife was crushed. A long and painful healing and accountability process followed that I’m sure I will talk more about in future posts. Two books were a huge part of that process – Every Man’s Battle and Every Heart Restored .

This is my story. Be it better or worse than others’ stories I don’t know. I love hearing pastors or anyone speak out on this subject openly and unafraid but I’ve yet to hear any of them tell their story this detailed. I hope the graphic details of my story strike a broader audience of women, parents, and porn viewers, because this isn’t an issue for only struggling men to be worried about. I definitely feel I’m qualified to write on this subject and however harsh my words sound please know that I’m writing from a broken but forgiven, loving, and passionate perspective. Please stop looking at porn.

Filed Under: Faith, Personal Growth, Reading

Pornography – Get Accoutability

April 27, 2007 by Leave a Comment

Where do I start? I don’t know if I’ve ever written about this on my blog before, so here it goes…

Once again I’ll mention Perry because he mentions pornography very frequently on his blog and from the stage while he’s preaching. He even wore a shirt this past Sunday that said “GOD IS WATCHING YOU DOWNLOAD THAT PORN”. It was appropriate because the message was on character and quite frankly people who look at porn do so because they have character flaws. I want to save character for another post though. I want to talk about porn right now.

This will probably be a multi-post because I could actually write a book on this subject. It used to be very difficult for me to talk about pornography because I was guilty – I was looking at it. That’s right – I used to look at porn. I’m not proud of it but I’m forgiven. Trust me I know how you feel if you’re struggling with porn. I’ve been there and I think I know what you need – aside from a good relationship with Jesus Christ.

You need accountability. You need a good friend you can trust to share your burden and hold you accountable. I know you’re dying to come clean and stop. You’ve even tried on your own several times. You can’t do it alone! Swallow your pride and share that burden. If you don’t think you have a friend you can trust that much you’re probably wrong.

There is a great book every man should read called “Every Mans Battle”. I should probably just go through that book again and post notes on here like I did for the Five Love Languages. But for now I’m just gonna wing it – from my perspective and my own memory bank of what I’ve learned. If you are struggling with porn I can tell you some things probably going on inside you right now:

  • You’re ashamed.
  • You think you’re alone.
  • You feel weak.
  • You’ve lost hope.
  • You’re in a viscious cycle.

I could do a separate post on every line of that list (maybe that’s the first five chapters of my book). What I want to get through to people who look at porn and want to stop is the fact that you CAN NOT do it alone. You have to have some accountability. Here are some quick guidelines you might use to start thinking about and selecting who you want your accountability partner to be:

  • Someone you trust.
  • Someone who understands (most men do because they’re either going through it or they’ve already been through it).
  • Someone who will share your desire to stop. It can’t be someone who is just ok with you looking at porn. It needs to be someone who doesn’t judge you, but even if you’re both struggling you share the same conviction and both want to be better so you fight the battle (share the burden) together.
  • Someone who will commit to challenge you and accept challenges from you.
  • You might need more than one.

There are so many ways to do accountability on this matter also. The internet is by far the worst porn vehicle invented by man, but it can be monitored. There are softwares out there you and your accountability partner can purchase and use to hold each other accountable. Maybe I’ll mention some specific ones in later posts. Lenny and I used a software for a long time to hold me accountable. It worked. I knew I couldn’t lie about what came up when Lenny checked that software…
Anyway… In future posts I’m going to tell more of my story concerning all this. I’m going to elaborate on the first list of bullets in this post. Who knows what all I might write. I’m probably going to mess some people up who read this. I’m probably going to refer to some books that have helped Shawna and me.
I haven’t even touched on what it does to your wife, or future wife, or what she needs to know about it to help you get through it and help you deal with the struggle from now til you kick the bucket (it never goes away – haven’t you seen dirty old men staring at young women). I’ll talk more about all this. It’s gonna take several posts to say it all and neither you nor I have time to cover it all in one day.
Have a Great Weekend.

Filed Under: Faith, Personal Growth

How I Got In Sales

March 28, 2007 by Leave a Comment

I work in sales for SGP who is a printing company. My title is actually project coordinator and I’m not sure why or what would be more appropriate.

When I’m meeting with people at various companies we seek to do business with I’m often asked the question “What did you do before you started working for SGP?” The answer is I used to be a Supply Chain Manager at a manufacturing company. The question that usually follows that answer is, “How did you move from that to sales?” The answer to that one usually depends on who I’m talking to and how much I’m willing to share with them.

The full story of it is I started my three and a half year manufacturing career in process improvement and worked my way up to supply chain management. I was so ambitious I mastered that position at that particular facility better than anyone else who had it before me and I was ready to move on to something else – either a similar position at a larger facility or something completely new because I wanted to broaden my knowledge base.

I’ve always been a bit of an entreprenuer. I knew that wealthy business owners and/or company CEO’s don’t have to be experts at any one thing but knowledgeable enough in many different things to form and lead a good team of experts. That was my thought process behind broadening my knowledge base.

So one area of experience I knew I would learn from was sales and marketing. The problem was my boss didn’t think I had the skills to do sales, at least that’s what he told our division manager to keep me where he wanted me. I think the real problem was I made his job so much easier he didn’t want the pain of trying to replace me.

I thought I would wait for something to change. I put up with a lot of crap in the meantime. One day I drew the line when my boss was in my face cussing me in front of my employees over something ridiculous (one of my guys didn’t sweep the floor on night shift) and he said GD. From that day forward I kept my eyes and ears open. It wasn’t long and a friend of the family offered me a job at SGP. It was in sales – targeting large retail corporations mostly. Looked promising enough so I took it.

It has definitely been the learning experience I wanted. I’ve proven to myself that I DO have the skills to do sales (against my previous boss’s opinion) and I’ve been successful. Of course I haven’t been as successful as I want to but I’ve done well for the company and despite the weaknesses (my opinion) of SGP I’ve been able to provide for my family.

I recently heard “grow where you’re planted” and it has given me a bit of a new outlook. I’m pretty sure there is something else in my future but at this point I’m not sure what it is. So I’m going to be enthusiastic about growth where I’m at so I can figure out what else God is wanting me to develop and learn from.

Filed Under: Business, Personal Growth

I’d Sure Like To Say That…

March 19, 2007 by Leave a Comment

I have a lot of things I want to share but my thoughts aren’t organized right now. There is a lot on my mind lately in many areas of my life. Many thanks to my pastors blog for encouraging me today just by getting me fired up. Punching in the throat – man sometimes I’d sure like to say that too.

If I could talk to Perry personally about this I would ask him how he might apply that level of passion in some situations I’m faced with in business. I share the passion he has about everything pertaining to the word and church and reaching people, but how do you blast through other situations with that kind of passion when you’re extremely vulnerable to, for example, a client or a boss, etc?? I could care less one little bit about being labeled cocky or arrogant, but my position gives me other things to worry about. I feel like a wuss for even writing this, but I suppose having two kids and a stay at home wife makes me feel much more vulnerable in situations where I know I should stand up, but the fear of losing that key client or my job altogether keeps me quiet.

You know – this is the problem with most preachers too – they’re vulnerable to losing their livelihood if they stand up or speak about something that might offend someone. They’re usually most vulnerable to the ones who should be listening the most. I have plenty of my own stories to tell about stuff like that from growing up with my dad being a preacher. I don’t know the details of all those stories but I know the impact they had on our family. My hat is off to Perry and NewSpring for having their checks and balances set up in a way that doesn’t make them vulnerable in the wrong ways to the wrong people.

But back to my situation… Unfortunately my daily world is quite different from Perry’s. Unfortunately I am vulnerable in ways no person should be and no person would have to be if everybody had a good heart. I believe God will provide but that doesn’t make it ok to be stupid does it? I’m sure there are things even Perry doesn’t say that he would like to. If it’s ok to be so wreckless why isn’t it ok to do it without limits? I guess it depends on each individual’s circumstances and vulnerability. Knowing what mine are how do I guage what is going far enough without being stupid? Or should I focus on getting myself a new set of circumstances?

Does anyone else have any input on this? Please do share.

Filed Under: Business, Personal Growth

Good Habits

December 1, 2006 by Leave a Comment

I read a fair amount of success stories and concepts or methods of how it is achieved. I haven’t mastered them all yet, but it’s worth sharing along the way so hopefully we can all find ways to succeed. Here’s one lesson that I’ve learned that might help you…

Think of three things you are not doing consistently that if you did consistently on a daily basis would have a strong, positive impact on your life. Maybe one of them is a better devotional life, or 30 minutes of exercise, or 30 minutes an evening without television to spend with the family, or to simply read an extra 30 minutes per night to keep your mental skills sharp and your language skills on top. Perhaps you might take up a hobby, or a friendship, or help someone in need.

The point is to think of three things that you are not doing now that if you did them would impact your life in a positive way. Believe it or not, most people have never considered the idea of deliberately and consciously developing good habits that are consistent with their life purpose. Most habits are formed by default or out of absolute necessity. Most successful people realize they have to take control of their actions and they take the time to purposefully develop a few specific habits that will bring them closer to their life purpose.

Once you have identified the habits you want to develop, find someone that can either join you in that habit or help hold you accountable. They will be doing you a favor and you will be a better person for it!

Filed Under: Personal Growth

Give To Feel Better

November 29, 2006 by Leave a Comment

One of the most recent lessons I read by John Maxwell talks about overcoming mental illness by giving. People are typically so self-absorbed that they’re in a mental rut and develop negative thinking and poor mental health. They’re too insecure to give anything away because they think they’re missing something and they’re trying to get it back. Dr. Karl Menninger, a psychiatrist, suggests that people feeling a nervous breakdown should find someone in need and do something to help them, and by developing a giving spirit they will help themselves overcome feelings of deficiency in a positive way.

Reading all this makes me think of the holiday season and all the “giving” that we all do. I know I’m not the only one who has felt a little inadequate when it comes to giving gifts at Christmas time. I’m talking about the gifts we give to family and friends – the people who don’t NEED anything. It is nice to exchange gifts. I’m not gonna say we shouldn’t show love to one another by giving gifts. But should we make it as big a deal as we do?

I’m not rich and what money I do have I try to spend wisely. A couple of years ago I was letting my “inadequacy” get to me real bad. I felt like crap because I couldn’t afford to get much for my family and friends. Then Shawna and I felt lead to volunteer at a ministry feeding the needy and handing out donated gifts to needy children. Any thought of what I “needed” left my mind as I served people who don’t even have the kind of stuff that I take for granted. I look back on that experience now and realize that I could have spent a million dollars on my family and friends and it wouldn’t have been as fulfilling as just serving food and toys to people who are really in need. From then on I would rather serve some people with real needs than give a single gift to family and friends. Of course I still try to do both, but I know which one is more important and I look forward to it the most.

So I encourage everyone to do something for someone other than yourself (which means someone other than your family too). I’m so proud of our church home group. They have really stepped up and taken initiative to serve others. I’ll go in to more detail about that on a later post. I hope they are all blessed at least with tremendous fulfillment for their generosity.

If you’re dreading Christmas coming up because you know you can’t afford to exchange gifts with the same ole family and friends please try something different. Take a stand and tell your family you want to do something different. Give gifts to the needy, volunteer at a ministry that feeds people, get creative and do something… Trust me. I know first hand that whatever you give will make you feel better.

Filed Under: Personal Growth

Managing Conflict Jesus Style

November 14, 2006 by Leave a Comment

Recently I’ve experienced some conflict situations. As the leader in these particular instances I was reminded of how Jesus taught to manage conflict in Matthew 18. It will help us all to remember this lesson in the heat of our offended moments.

Conflicts will arise in any organization because humans are all wired differently and we will inevitably disagree. Jesus makes it clear that addressing conflict should be a priority for us.

John Maxwell (one of my heroes not far down the list from Jesus) outlines the basic steps to be followed when there is a conflict as follows:
1. Initiate the contact.
2. Confront the person in private.
3. If no resolution comes, meet again with one or two more people.
4. Confirm the facts in the meeting and work toward a solution.
5. If no resolution comes, bring the issue before the church or organization.
6. Agree upon the truth and the appropriate options for the offender.
7. If no resolution comes, release the offender from the church or organization.

We have to keep in mind that we must act wisely because God gives us authority in these situations, because he will confirm decisions made in harmony, and because he is present when we gather in his name.

This is a lesson I’ve certainly learned the hard way a few times and I haven’t handled every situation the best way possible – from either side of conflict. But I intend to think about this lesson more and more so that I will be better at managing conflict in the future.

Filed Under: Personal Growth

What’s For Dinner??

October 24, 2006 by Leave a Comment

My wonderful wife, so Godly, so loving, so beautiful, the love of my life, vivacious – vulnerable – scandalous (read a book – this means she is amazing), mother of my precious children, the domesticator of our home. Shawna strives to be excellent in so many ways, one of them being dinner preparation.

“What do you want for dinner” is a question I’m often asked, and that is probably the hardest question for me to answer decisively. I’m simply not that picky when it comes to choosing dinner. (I do have a problem with mayo, sour cream, and some cheeses, but other than that I’m not picky). Shawna wants to mix it up using fancy recipes with words I don’t understand at restaurants, much less at home. When I’m at a restaurant my menu choice depends on whether or not I’m in the mood for Chicken, Beef, or Seafood and whether or not I like whichever what-u-call-it sauce they’re putting on it (cause many sauces are too mayo based). So when Shawna asks me if I want the Chicken & Broccoli something something dish she makes I’m like that chick on Jerry McGuire except I’m saying “Shut up! (tears in my eyes) You had me at chicken.” (If you’re too young to remember that movie then you can probably stop reading this because you’re probably not old enough to be married either.)

To help Shawna simplify dinner planning I gave her a list of meals she has made for me and told her she can rotate that list around and never cook the same thing twice in the same month. (For those of you who think the list was 31 items long you need to take your family out to eat once in a while and you also need to take your wife out on a date more often.) Hopefully the list will keep things simple enough to avoid any more “What’s for dinner” conflicts.

So I’m writing about this for a couple of reasons. There are probably a lot of ladies out there who want to be good to their man with cooking but the idea of not doing good enough is holding you back. Or maybe there are just some guys who feel the same way I do and want to make their lady feel good about what she is doing no matter how simple it is. Men – keep it simple and be thankful your wife is cooking – help wash dishes and put the kids to bed. Ladies – don’t get too stressed about variety in the kitchen. Trust me if you take that creativity to another room in the house, if you know what I mean, he will care less what you cooked and he’ll be glad to help with dishes.

Filed Under: Personal Growth, Relationships

Self Promotion

October 20, 2006 by Leave a Comment

Since I’m talking about networking I’ll add some more tips I picked up from an author named Jeffrie Story. If you’re questioning my motive for posting these type of things it is simply to help people realize that they have to raise the image others have of you to be successful – it’s just a fact of life. Researchers have proven in study after study that self promotion is key to a persons success. So get over the uncomfortable feeling it can give you and start trying to understand why this type of stuff is important… Here’s the tips on being a natural at self-promotion:

1. Natural self-promoters constantly put themselves in the presence of people who can help them achieve their goals. They meet new people, set up informational interviews, attend networking events, join community groups, and mingle with coworkers and colleagues.

2. Some of the best self-promoters are those who make themselves stand out. They know what makes them different and special, and they use those unique qualities to make themselves distinctive and memorable.

3. Just as big companies build brand awareness by repeating the same logo, commercial, or jingle over and over, natural self-promoters know how to get inside the heads of their prospects. They make multiple calls and send multiple e-mails or letters to make an indelible impression on their targets’ minds.

Filed Under: Personal Growth
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