Relationships - Mark Asbell

Don’t Be The Cable Customer In DIRECTV Commercials

August 3, 2012 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

Have you seen the DIRECTV commercial where they’re making a case for not having cable because the guys with cable have one terrible event after another happen in a series of attempts to rid themselves of the frustration they’re experiencing by being a cable commercial? Sometimes we do that in our marriage.

After three calls in three minutes with no answer you begin to wonder if your spouse is ok, so you go looking for them, get a flat tire, get beat up and mugged by a shady passer-by, and end up in a ditch with no wallet.
Conversation becomes dry and reserved so rather than talk about it and find out what’s going on we start wondering are they happy, are they cheating, have they blown up our bank account? Immediately you begin taking measures to investigate, spy, and hide money – suspecting the worst. Then it turns out they’re just having a hard time at work and have had a lot on their mind.

Maybe talking about the awkward moments will help. Try saying “Is everything ok?”, “You seem preoccupied”, “Would you like to talk about it?” Try something other than making assumptions that lead you down the same sort of path as a cable customer on the DIRECTV commercial.

Filed Under: Relationships

Best and Worst About Experiencing Being Broke

August 1, 2012 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

Sometimes I beat myself up about past mistakes. Do you ever do that? One of the things I sometimes reflect on is the fact that I was broke, as in FLAT broke, for a long time. The amount of time I was broke and the timing of when I was broke both have something to do with the best and worst parts of that experience.

I’ll put the worst first. The worst is I was broke for 10 years of my life and the first ten years of my marriage. If I live 80 yrs that’s 1/8 of my life. If I live to see my 50th wedding anniversary that’s 1/5 of my marriage. When I beat myself up about that negative thoughts creep in my head like “if I hadn’t been so stupid for so long we would be a lot farther along financially”. If I ever verbalize any of those thoughts, usually to Shawna or Joe, they are quick to remind me of the good and that those thoughts will never change anything.

Now, for the best – the good. I was only broke for 10 years of my life. It was only 10 years of my marriage. I was young and learned the hard lessons early. I could have let it go on for 20 or 30 or even 50 years and never listened and learned. It could have defined my marriage and my children’s future if I kept using the same broke mentality and lack of discipline. I thank God for bringing us through it sooner than later and pray by his grace we never go through it like that again. We have the rest of our life to keep the finances right and honor God with everything he blesses us to manage.

Have you recognized the turning point in how you manage money? Are you headed in the right direction and never want to go back even when setbacks get you down? Are you done being broke?

Filed Under: Money, Relationships

Receipt Rebel

July 9, 2012 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

“WHAT IS THIS FOR?” Ever had that question in your house when someone didn’t provide the receipts for their purchases?

One of the things we’ve noticed in our house that causes frustration and tension when it comes to managing the financial details is the receipt rebellion. One spouse is tracking spending and comes across transactions that there are no receipts for, so they don’t know what category to assign.

We use Quicken. For our finances it is the best solution. We electronically import our transactions directly from all our banks, check that they are categorized correctly, and save them so that we can track how much is spent in every category. The software does a lot more than that but tracking spending is it’s main function for us.

It is easy to categorize transactions from the gas station and usually the grocery store or pharmacy, etc. But what about places like Wal-Mart? A transaction at Wal-Mart could be for several different categories. If there’s no receipt we’re wondering, “WHAT IS THIS FOR? WHERE IS THE RECEIPT?”

The solution – have a central place for receipts to be dropped, or at least keep them in our wallet or purse so that when transactions are recorded we both know where to find them.

What do you do to prevent the receipt rebel from causing a mess at your house?

Filed Under: Money, Relationships

Waymaker

March 19, 2012 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

People much younger than me might not even know what I’m talking about, but I remember when it wasn’t uncommon for people to have a CB in their personal vehicle (as in truck driver CB – communication device. My dad was the coolest CB dad I knew because he would talk to the truck drivers and they would work together to make their way down the busy highways of oblivious people who tend to block the way… Thus my dads call sign, or “handle”, was Waymaker. He drove a 1978 Chevy very similar to the one in the picture above.

If only I had a CB now it might make driving more fun. Truckers are still communicating with us. When you let them change lanes to pass a slow mover they flash their lights to say “thanks”. When you get up close behind them to catch a draft for a little while they might do the same light flashing but in that case it means “back off this isn’t safe” (yes I’ve done that in the past to save gas and it works but isn’t safe and truckers don’t tend to allow it unless you’re CB friends and I don’t have a CB).

I can’t help but think of how much fun my dad had actually talking to the truck drivers and working with them to get through traffic faster. It makes me think of how much more fun we have as married couples when we actually talk to each other and work through life’s obstacles faster, not merely co-existing on life’s highway and flashing lights back and forth because we’re in the same lane, really talking and enjoying the journey we’re sharing.

Filed Under: Relationships, Stories

Got a Will?

February 28, 2012 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

It is alarming the number of married couples who do not have a written will. This shouldn’t be the case. A written will is too important and too easy to get to not have it.

Why Your Will Is Important

This is going to sound like a life insurance sales pitch, but I don’t care. “God forbid something should happen to you, your spouse or both at the same time…”

A written will makes it clear what your wishes are for the care of your children under age 18.

A written will makes it clear what your wishes are for your estate and can be structured to optimize the tax position for your beneficiaries.

A written will can include your LIVING will to make clear what your wishes are if you become physically unable to make important decisions.

A written will is the only document that holds up legally to make these critical decisions after we die.

Why Your Will Is Easy To Get

Stores like Office Depot or Staples sell kits or softwares that are affordable and simple to use to create a will.

Good attorneys do wills for affordable fees (more costly than the do-it-yourself options, but worth it in my opinion)

A piece of crumbled up paper with handwriting and a notary seal is better than nothing and would likely be honored in a court of law.

Do These Things To Make It Official

Get two witnesses to sign it (people who are not family or close friends).

Name an executor (the person to administer the will and handle all the legal and financial details).

Get it notarized (it just makes it more valid).

Don’t go another day without it. GET A WILL!!!

Filed Under: Family, Money, Relationships

Your Treasure and Your Heart

February 24, 2012 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

This isn’t about convincing you to give to your church. It’s not a guilt trip or a “prosperity message”. I’m not one of those guys who says “I want something FOR you not FROM you” with a smile on my face and an offering plate in my hand. For the record I fully believe in God’s design for us to be generous and his faithfulness to provide for our needs, and I happen to love churches that aren’t afraid to teach the truth from the word on the subject. Heck, I even get to speak about it myself as part of the I Was Broke. now I’m Not. team. But that isn’t what this post is about. I want to put all that completely out of your mind right now.

What I want you to think about is how Matthew 6:21 can relate to your marriage just as it does your faith and belief in God. I’ve written on this site about working together on the finances as a couple, planning together, saving together, spending together. I’ve written about communicating and valuing the marriage covenant more than the money situation. I know it is all a lot easier said than done so I want to challenge us all with Matthew 6:21 – “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also”.

Most times we hear that verse in a message meant to challenge us to be generous in giving back to the church, and we SHOULD do that. But are you being generous with your spouse? Are you cooperating with the plan and sticking to it? Are you compromising and sacrificing some things you want to do financially in order to allow your spouse to do some things they want to do? Are you investing time and money in dating?

In church we hear statements like “If we looked in your checkbook it would show us where your heart is”. That’s a true statement and I hope we would see your heart for God, I do. But would we also see your heart for your spouse?

Filed Under: Faith, Money, Relationships

MY Favorite Posts From 2011

February 23, 2012 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

At the beginning of the year I posted the top 10 posts from 2011 based on page views. But just so you know here is a list of some of my favorites:

– Don’t Give Up On Marriage
– Financial Intimacy
– Working Together Requires Diligence
– I Didn’t Tell You Because
– Ours, Not Mine & Yours
– Nothing To Fight About – Part 1 & Part 2

Filed Under: Family, Money, Relationships

We Aren’t That Different

February 12, 2012 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

A while back someone asked me if it is easier to control our finances (spending) because Shawna homeschools our kids and I work from home a lot. At first I didn’t realize where that question was coming from. But then I realized it was an attempt to make our situation different, or easier in their eyes, to justify a lack of discipline in their own situation.

My initial thought was yes it is easier – Shawna doesn’t typically go out to lunch with the girls like she might at a job, and she doesn’t use a lot of gas money to get back and forth to work. I thought the same is true for me since I get to work from home a lot.

But on second thought I realized, you know what – Shawna still spends just as much. It isn’t easy putting up with kids all day so she is always having to get them out of the house, which ends up being activities that cost money. She also does work part time so there are moments when it is more convenient to grab food on the go. All that takes driving around as much or more than the typical job working mom. So we really don’t have an advantage there.

Even though I work from home a lot of the time I still put about 20,000 miles per year on my vehicle, most of those are miles that are work-related (going to meet with customers etc). Not to mention I have WAY more un-reimbursed job-related expenses than the average person. I get to write some of those expenses off but that doesn’t mean I get it all back, and the other 12 months of the year it creates a unique cash flow challenge.

So after thinking about that question, “is it easier for us”, my response is NO! Just because our life circumstances are not exactly the same doesn’t mean the challenges of managing money are THAT different. We still have to live with a plan, giving and saving and spending within our means. Don’t let others excuse their lack of discipline based on your circumstances.

Filed Under: Family, Money, Relationships

“I don’t care about money”

February 2, 2012 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

Some of the worst cases I see in coaching are those where one spouse has assumed the position of “I don’t care about money”. The fact of the matter is they do care about money but they are for some reason denying it.

Maybe they’re naturally very frugal savers or simple-livers and as long as their basic needs are met they’re content in knowing that their spouse is taking care of the bills and whatever they want. Maybe they’re naturally the spender and as long as they’re getting what they want they’re trusting their spouse is handling the details. Either way they’re not paying attention to the details.

Then the tough conversation happens, a conversation that should have taken place months or years sooner. The spouse who was supposed to be handling all the details made some mistakes, things spiraled out of control, and the “I don’t care” spouse has just learned their very well-being is at stake.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Both spouses should be aware of the details by talking about and reviewing the state of their financial union at least once a month.

Is your financial house in order? You might want to go check with your spouse – like right now.

Filed Under: Money, Relationships

Why Compare?

January 31, 2012 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

Have you ever heard anyone making these statements?

I work as hard as anyone I know.
I’m as good a husband/wife as anyone I know.
I’m as good a father/mother as anyone I know.
I go to church and serve as much as anyone I know.

Do you ever catch YOURSELF making such statements? Not out loud, I hope, but maybe in your head. It can be so easy to compare ourselves to everyone else around us, focusing on how we compare to others in order to justify how good we are, at least in our own mind.

I know – things are tough at work, the pressure is on, so that’s why “I work as hard as anyone I know” becomes an inner-defense. I know – your spouse was nagging about an expectation you’re not meeting so “I’m as good a husband/wife as anyone I know” is what you somehow want to make them realize. Kids are so naive and don’t understand just how good a parent you are. Surely the church staff sees how much you’re there contributing to the ministry and should thank you from stage at special events.

My challenge to all of us today is why compare? Why look at how our performance compares to that of others? How does that help us be the best spouse or parent we can be? How does that help us become closer to God and live out his purpose for our life?

Filed Under: Faith, Family, Personal Growth, Relationships