A couple of weeks ago I introduced the Money-Do-List, a tool to help prioritize our list of hopes, plans, and dreams (goals) in a way that makes sense for where we are and where we want to be and what is important to each of us. When Shawna and I first started using this method our list consisted of mostly boring stuff by me and mostly fun stuff by Shawna.  All I wanted to do was pay down our debts and save.  But Shawna was tired of having no life and wanted to at least have Christmas memories and maybe a vacation.  Here’s how we used the money-do-list method to compromise (all of this list is complete now):

Keep in mind December 2006 is when we went to Financial Learning Experience and got Financial Coaching for the first time.  Notice we did a lot of saving before we did anything else, and the saving included fun.   I wanted to get the discipline of saving started right away so that we would have margin when the unexpected happened.

We actually tackled the debts one at a time, so for example there were multiple credit card bills and medical bills listed separately rather than just one-liners.  I’m sure I’ve forgotten some of the things that were on our list along the way, but this is a pretty good representation of how we prioritized the completion of things – making sure to complete practical things (debts & margin) as well as fun things (Christmas & vacation) along the way.

Sometime in the near future I’ll share what’s still coming up on our list and how it is prioritized.  How are you using the money-do-list?

Life is good.  You’re so blessed, more than you deserve.  The two of you CAN work together.  If you hadn’t married them you wouldn’t get to experience the power of working together to accomplish your goals and dreams TOGETHER.  You two do such a great job communicating about money and caring for each others wants and needs as much as your own.  

You must be so happy and proud to have such a great spouse.  Who cares what your family and friends think.  They’re not the ones committed to being with you for richer or poorer.  Any decision you make isn’t going to affect them nearly as badly as it will affect you, so you’re wisely choosing to make your relationship work.  

Work hard now to get your financial relationship in order so you can enjoy the rest of your life together.  It’s completely worth the effort and sacrifice.

…the voice of hope and encouragement. 

Recently I’ve read a lot of hype about Bank of America, as well as other banks, implementing new fees that have customers a little disgruntled.  Everyone is talking about whether or not they should change banks to avoid the fees.  Anytime I hear talk of changing banks or anything even remotely similar to that one word enters my mind – HASSLE.  Changing banks requires hours of tedious frustration with all the forms, proof, validation, verification, transfers, etc etc… usually to find out there is something in the fine print of every bank that is less than desirable.

Tell me if this is how the discussion might go in your house:

Her:  The bank is charging us $5 per month.  We could be getting that for free elsewhere.
Him:   But it is such a hassle to change banks.  It’s just not worth the hassle for me to save $60 per year.
Her:  If it’s not worth the hassle to save $60 on that bank account then why should I be working so hard to save $60 on toothpaste each year?
Him:  It’s a lot more hassle to change banks than it is to clip toothpaste coupons once a month.
Her:  Oh really, then you can clip the coupons from now on.
Him:  Ummmm.  [or if he’s stupid he gets mad and continues the fight]

This scenario could play out with him or her on either side of the conversation.

Just like most households Shawna and I are very different when it comes to finances even though we have a pretty good system for both of us to be involved in the finances.  But neither one of us wants to pay the bank fees for services that are free elsewhere.  Will we change banks though?  So far I haven’t because to me it just isn’t worth the time and energy it takes to avoid a fee that isn’t that significant in our grand scheme of things.

But wait a minute?  I’m supposed to be doing everything I can to maximize every dollar.  Just as I would want Shawna to maximize every grocery dollar I should maximize every banking dollar – right?  This scenario presents itself in many budget categories.  The lingering question is how do we decide when it is or isn’t appropriate to stick to the frugal practice of maximizing every dollar, and if we choose not to maximize one of my categories doesn’t that give Shawna a pass on maximizing one of her categories?  It’s easy to see how this type of decision making can cause some financial disagreement.  If it isn’t “fair” then one of us might feel hurt or taken for granted for our efforts.

Newsflash – it’s never going to be fair.  Shawna has always said, “the fair is where you ride rides” (usually to our kids who have never even been to a fair).  Even little decisions like this have to be taken on a case by case basis.  Communication is required (I feel like a broken record saying that all the time).  There should be no keeping of score and bringing up the past (although this is very difficult).  The key is WORK TOGETHER.

In the next post I’ll discuss one other factor that helps Shawna and I make these decisions.

A documentary on solitary confinement in prisons made me think about how the idea of solitary confinement applies to how some married couples treat each other regarding finances.

The idea of solitary confinement is intended to modify bad behavior by isolating dangerous individuals. This is what some spouses do to each other by separating their accounts or hiding savings. One spouse recognizes that the other is a reckless spender so they decide to separate accounts or open secret accounts to isolate the bad behavior and protect the finances from the reckless one.

 Studies show that solitary confinement is extremely damaging to people. The same is true for spouses who are being left out of the financial decision making.  Most relationships tend to have one spouse who wants to dominate the finances and expect the other spouse to live with it.  Without balance that can cause emotional damage to the isolated spouse as well as to the relationship.

Studies show that loneliness impairs ones control over their impulses. Someone feeling that they’re all alone in the effort to improve their financial behavior could cause them to lack the ability to control their impulses and result in undesirable behavior. Everyone lacks in some area of life but no one should lack hope that they can change.  Feeling alone in the effort to change challenges ones hope of ever succeeding.

Don’t put each other in financial solitary confinement.  WORK TOGETHER! You CAN do this! I know you can. I believe in your ability to succeed. Don’t give up.