Recently I’ve read a lot of hype about Bank of America, as well as other banks, implementing new fees that have customers a little disgruntled.  Everyone is talking about whether or not they should change banks to avoid the fees.  Anytime I hear talk of changing banks or anything even remotely similar to that one word enters my mind – HASSLE.  Changing banks requires hours of tedious frustration with all the forms, proof, validation, verification, transfers, etc etc… usually to find out there is something in the fine print of every bank that is less than desirable.

Tell me if this is how the discussion might go in your house:

Her:  The bank is charging us $5 per month.  We could be getting that for free elsewhere.
Him:   But it is such a hassle to change banks.  It’s just not worth the hassle for me to save $60 per year.
Her:  If it’s not worth the hassle to save $60 on that bank account then why should I be working so hard to save $60 on toothpaste each year?
Him:  It’s a lot more hassle to change banks than it is to clip toothpaste coupons once a month.
Her:  Oh really, then you can clip the coupons from now on.
Him:  Ummmm.  [or if he’s stupid he gets mad and continues the fight]

This scenario could play out with him or her on either side of the conversation.

Just like most households Shawna and I are very different when it comes to finances even though we have a pretty good system for both of us to be involved in the finances.  But neither one of us wants to pay the bank fees for services that are free elsewhere.  Will we change banks though?  So far I haven’t because to me it just isn’t worth the time and energy it takes to avoid a fee that isn’t that significant in our grand scheme of things.

But wait a minute?  I’m supposed to be doing everything I can to maximize every dollar.  Just as I would want Shawna to maximize every grocery dollar I should maximize every banking dollar – right?  This scenario presents itself in many budget categories.  The lingering question is how do we decide when it is or isn’t appropriate to stick to the frugal practice of maximizing every dollar, and if we choose not to maximize one of my categories doesn’t that give Shawna a pass on maximizing one of her categories?  It’s easy to see how this type of decision making can cause some financial disagreement.  If it isn’t “fair” then one of us might feel hurt or taken for granted for our efforts.

Newsflash – it’s never going to be fair.  Shawna has always said, “the fair is where you ride rides” (usually to our kids who have never even been to a fair).  Even little decisions like this have to be taken on a case by case basis.  Communication is required (I feel like a broken record saying that all the time).  There should be no keeping of score and bringing up the past (although this is very difficult).  The key is WORK TOGETHER.

In the next post I’ll discuss one other factor that helps Shawna and I make these decisions.

A documentary on solitary confinement in prisons made me think about how the idea of solitary confinement applies to how some married couples treat each other regarding finances.

The idea of solitary confinement is intended to modify bad behavior by isolating dangerous individuals. This is what some spouses do to each other by separating their accounts or hiding savings. One spouse recognizes that the other is a reckless spender so they decide to separate accounts or open secret accounts to isolate the bad behavior and protect the finances from the reckless one.

 Studies show that solitary confinement is extremely damaging to people. The same is true for spouses who are being left out of the financial decision making.  Most relationships tend to have one spouse who wants to dominate the finances and expect the other spouse to live with it.  Without balance that can cause emotional damage to the isolated spouse as well as to the relationship.

Studies show that loneliness impairs ones control over their impulses. Someone feeling that they’re all alone in the effort to improve their financial behavior could cause them to lack the ability to control their impulses and result in undesirable behavior. Everyone lacks in some area of life but no one should lack hope that they can change.  Feeling alone in the effort to change challenges ones hope of ever succeeding.

Don’t put each other in financial solitary confinement.  WORK TOGETHER! You CAN do this! I know you can. I believe in your ability to succeed. Don’t give up.

 

What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word intimacy? Is it romance (women), sex (men), or just love and googley-eyes? Our intimacy reflects the depth of our relationship, our level of togetherness in heart, mind, body, and soul. I’m learning more and more with time that what I should think of when it comes to intimacy is communication. We must be able to communicate well in our relationship in order to experience the kind of deep intimacy God designed marriage for.

Guess what obstacle often gets in the way of having good communication in marriage – MONEY. If we are holding back our emotions as they relate to money then we are preventing an opportunity to share intimacy through that communication. If we are unwilling to listen and care about each others emotions related to money then we are preventing the opportunity to grow intimacy through that communication. What if that one missing link in communication is the only thing preventing a much deeper level of overall relational intimacy?

I know money isn’t the most important thing in marriage, but it IS one of the most common root causes for divorce. Maybe that wouldn’t be the case if couples were being more intentional about having better financial communication. What if we thought of a budget like we do a bouqet of flowers or a scandalous lingerie? I’m betting that would improve financial intimacy.

It’s easy to understand the odds of divorce are much greater when a couple has lying, cheating,  or physical/mental abuse in their relationship.  But many couples don’t understand how having separated finances increases the odds of divorce.  I don’t know why that is so hard to imagine so I’m going to try to explain.

First of all I believe that any couple who has separated finances also has some other major lack of unity between them that could be a result of many shortfalls in the relationship.  Maybe it is a serious lack of productive communication.  Maybe there is a serious disconnect between sharing each others hopes, dreams, priorities, and even fears in life.  The bottom line is if we’re not sharing all those things, the good and the bad, with our spouse then there is a unity problem.  With that said I believe as the unity problem begins to show the splitting of the finances is one major step closer to divorce.

Here are a couple of common reasons the decision is made to split up the finances:

• One of you is terrible with money.  Your spouse can’t trust you because of your perpetual mistakes and/or disregard for the importance of growing up and taking adult responsibility for managing money with a brain cell or two.  To prevent being forever broke your spouse has chosen to put distance between you and their financial security.
• One or both of you are way too independent of the other.  God created marriage for the two of us to become one.  We share a brain.  We do better when we work together.  We help each other and take care of each others needs.  I have news for Mr. or Mrs. Independent.  Deep inside every person wants to be needed or wanted.  If you’re not sharing that with your spouse then someone else eventually will and then it will be too late for you to wake up and realize independence ain’t all that.

Occasionally I run across newly married couples or engaged couples who have not taken the steps yet to combine their financial lives.  To anyone in those early stages hear the warning in this question.  WHY HAVEN’T YOU COMBINED YOUR FINANCES YET?  Now read on because this next part will also give you perspective.

For the couples who have been married a while and thought about combining the finances but for some reason chose not to, or worse you had the money combined at one time but now you have chosen to separate it again – I have a list of questions you need to ask yourself and wrestle through WITH your spouse.

• Do you trust your spouse?
• Can you be trusted by your spouse?
• Are you being dishonest about how the money is being spent? (financial infidelity)
• Are you cheating on your spouse? (yes – like having an affair or looking at porn!  Separating the finances AFTER having them combined is a HUGE warning sign that unfaithfulness exists in the relationship)

If you’re not open and transparent with each other about money, sharing the rewards and consequences as one interwoven unit, then I would have serious doubts that you’re open and honest with each other about other areas of your life.

“I didn’t tell you because I KNEW you would say no.”  That sounds like something one of our children would say to us – right?  But it is also something that happens between married couples too.

The saver is too strict about the finances – never allowing any fun.  The spender has become frustrated with open communication because it always seems to result in them never getting what they want.  Both spouses promised to work together, but it isn’t turning out how they imagined.

Next thing they know the frustrated spender is out buying stuff they should have discussed with the saver, and when it is found out the argument begins.  The saver is mad because the savings was just spent.  The spender is mad because they feel fun-deprived.

Poor spender.  I’m playing a tiny violin between my fingers (I’m a saver).  What if the scenario went another way.

The spender is too rebellious – always carelessly spending.  The saver has become frustrated with open communication because…

Next thing they know the frustrated saver is hiding funds so the saver can’t find them, and when it is found out the argument begins.  The spender is mad because the saver is holding out on them.  The saver is mad because they feel security-deprived.

Poor saver.  I’m sure the spenders reading this are playing a tiny violin between their fingers.

The point is we have to find a way to communicate how we feel, work together, and carefully strike a balance between fun and security.  It requires being considerate of each others feelings and preferences with love and sacrificial generosity.

PEOPLE ARGUE ABOUT MONEY.  That’s just all there is to it.  Government officials argue about money.  Business owners argue about money.  Co-workers argue about money.  Even church people argue about money (bless their hearts).  Why is it any surprise to married people that there will be arguments about money in the marriage?

Some people say they just don’t argue about money.  That statement only makes me wonder if you’re just not talking about it.  In fact, I would not only question whether you’re even talking about it, I would also question if the reason you’re not talking about it is just so that the argument can be avoided.

Married couples can’t act like the government, business, and church when it comes to dealing with money issues.  The married couple has to go home together.  They have to find a way to work their finances out, together.