Relationships - Mark Asbell

Married With Money

July 13, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

Remember that show from years ago called “Married With Children“? Al and Peg and their two unruly teenage kids seem to have a miserably happy existence as a family. It seems like they never left that living room and everything that happened was a picture painted with their crazy words so that you imagined how it went down. Thinking back on that show if there is anything I could admire about it I think it would be that Al and Peg never really seemed shocked by the crazy things their kids did (or at least talked about doing), and nothing was ever taken too seriously. Fellow parents let’s just admit – we’d all like to have a little bit of “whatever” attitude when it comes to having kids.

Now that I have kids I am more and more fully aware of the implications suggested by the title of that show – “Married With Children”. Because being married is one thing, but having children is a whole-notha-thing and it can be crazy. I think being married with money could be depicted in similar fashion. I think we could make a new show titled “Married With Money” and portray a crazy middle class family like the Bundy family doing ridiculous stuff (or at least talking about what happened) with their money. I’m sure there were moments of money issues depicted in “Married With Children” but I don’t remember specific episodes like that.

As funny as a show like that could be I think it would still be important to portray the husband and wife as light-hearted about it all. I mean we should take managing money seriously, but crazy things are going to happen and we’re all going to make mistakes. What we could learn from the Bundy family is to just take it in stride and keep moving forward. That’s what kept Al and Peg together all those years…

What if there was a show ALL ABOUT the ridiculous money-related issues middle class families have today? How would those story lines go?

Filed Under: Family, Money, Relationships

Daddy’s Barber Shop

July 11, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

For as long as I can remember cutting my hair has been an at-home job. There have been times when I had it cut at places like Great-Clips or by people I’ve known through the years who are barbers or beauticians. But for the most part when I lived at home my mom cut my hair. Then when I moved out to college I learned how to cut my own hair. Now that I have a son I cut his hair too, thus the fun nickname “Daddy’s Barber Shop”. We’re able to save a fairly significant amount of money over time by doing this.

There are basically 3 reasons I cut mine and Devin’s hair:

I like the way I cut it – I’m never as satisfied with a haircut as when I do it. Other people do a good job, but no one ever meets my hair-cut expectations as well as I do. It might have a little bit to do with the fact that if I mess it up it’s my fault and I’m ok with that better than I am if someone else messes it up. Yes – that would be the control freak deep inside me manifesting itself.
It saves time – Mine and Devin’s haircuts normally take place at 8:30 or 9:00 at night which is just in time for a shower and bedtime. I don’t have to go wait in line at a barber shop during their business hours (which are also my productive hours), and I don’t have to leave with hair all over me for hours. I get straight in the shower.
It saves money – Let’s say Devin and I each get our hair cut every three weeks, or 17 times a year. It would cost at least $15 for each of us at Great Clips, so $30 total 17 times a year. That’s a total of $510 per year that we are able to save by cutting our hair at home. Not too bad.

Let’s think about what I am able to do with my saved time and money. I can justify a $50 per month cable bill with the saved money and have an extra 30 minutes to an hour once every three weeks to actually watch a cable TV show. I could afford five pairs of really nice basketball shoes every year and have that extra time to actually play basketball (insert hunting or fishing or whatever suits you in the spot where I put basketball). Or maybe I can justify having a $30 per month smartphone data package with my savings and use the extra time to play Angry Birds or something…

One advantage I have is I don’t have a pretty-boy haircut so it isn’t that hard for me. But there are a lot of guys who don’t have a pretty-boy haircut yet they go to the barber anyway. Why not do it yourself or let your wife give it a shot. What’s the worst that could happen? If it gets messed up then go to the barber and let them fix it. It’ll grow back – hopefully. Don’t be so prideful about your hair guys – it ain’t all that.

In case the ladies aren’t interested in this post I’d just like to throw out that Daddy’s Barber Shop doesn’t require spending money to save money, unlike Kohl’s “Savings”. Just sayin 🙂

Filed Under: Money, Relationships

Working Together Requires Diligence

July 8, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

As a married couple with different schedules, different habits, different priorities and responsibilities it can be very difficult to come together on the things that should be shared such as the family schedule, habits, priorities, responsibilities. I know my wife and I experience this when it comes to doing our finances together.

When we made our financial turnaround and became serious about working together we did everything together – planned the budget, paid the bills, reconciled accounts, etc. It wasn’t easy and there was conflict between us during the process. But we did it anyway because it was the only way we could learn to make it work. It would have been very easy for frustration to overcome us and cause us to go back to the old way, which was doing our own thing and wondering why it wasn’t working overall.

After a while of working on everything so diligently we didn’t have to do every single activity together any more. Over time Shawna gained confidence that I was going to allow fun in the budget (because I’m the saver) and I became confident that Shawna was going to do everything she could to control the discretionary categories like groceries, dining out, clothing, and entertainment (because she’s the spender). We still talk about the day-to-day money management but I do most of the details because it is more of my strong suit. Now the only time we actually sit down to work through something together is when a new decision has to be made or a new concern has come up, or even better, when a milestone is being reached.

Shawna and I are about to sit down and do something financial together that we’ve been waiting for a very long time…

How is WORKING TOGETHER on the finances going in your marriage? Don’t get frustrated and give up. It takes time and diligence to get it.

Filed Under: Family, Money, Relationships

Kyle’s Getting Married

July 1, 2011 by Mark Asbell 1 Comment

A little over 12 years ago I gained a new little brother in my life. At that time he was barely hitting puberty and I was the “all-grown-up” age of 20, so I think I was sorta like an influential figure in his life. I mean surely I was the first one to show him how to throw slices of pizza like a frisbee…from an indoor-entry 4th or 5th floor hotel room…to the lobby at the bottom. Not to mention I showed him how to win a lady 😉 So I think I was a pretty good influence. At least that’s what I like to tell myself as he gets all grown up now and seems to be taking life by the horns and making a path for his future that is promising and bright. I’m proud of Kyle, Shawna’s brother and my brother by marriage to Shawna, just like I’m proud of my own blood brother Matt.

Today Kyle is getting married to Caitlin – a wonderful young lady who we’ve all gotten to know a little bit during their dating relationship. We’re proud to have her join the family and be the only one that stands a chance of keeping Kyle in line now that he’s a grown man. One of the ways I know Caitlin comes from a good family is because her dad pulls for one of the teams I also like – GA TECH! I have the best hopes for Kyle and Caitlin’s wedding and future – that their life together will be long and filled with happiness and determination so their love for each other can stand the test of time.

One of the greatest words of wisdom I heard on my wedding day was from Uncle Mike (on Shawna’s side of the family). A lot of people had nice things to say that day, and I appreciate them all. But I particularly remember what Uncle Mike had to say because at that time his own marriage had recently gone through a difficult time. I still remember it like it was yesterday and will never forget it. He leaned in to me and said in my ear, “Don’t ever forget how you feel about each other TODAY”. I don’t know of any other advice I could give Kyle and Caitlin on their wedding day that would be more simple yet valuable than that.

Filed Under: Family, Relationships

Utilizing Relationships

June 29, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

I believe it is true that it matters who you associate with and know and how you leverage those relationships to advance through life and enjoy living. Of course it is also true that you get out of a relationship what you put in, and that can be particularly painful to learn the hard way when it comes to friendships that add value to living. Relationships truly are a resource in many ways.

When we need a hand with something it is good to know someone who can help, and be that helping hand for someone else when they need it too. When we need a job it helps to have relationships with people who can at least point us in the direction we need to go. When we need a friend to talk to about tough decisions it is a good idea to have that relationship with someone.

Relationships are important when it comes to family, friendships, customers, bosses, colleagues… ALL of them are important, and they are a resource that contributes to our prosperity either tangibly or emotionally. It’s important to remember to be for other people what you hope other people will be for you – there when they need you. A great quote by Zig Ziglar to live by is “You can get whatever you want in life by helping other people get what they want in life”.

What are we doing to build and nurture relationships that add value to our lives?

Filed Under: Money, Personal Growth, Relationships

Don’t Give Up On Marriage

June 21, 2011 by Mark Asbell 2 Comments

After reading the “Everyone Is Going to Hurt You” post some people might be thinking their spouse is not worth suffering for anymore. They seem to keep making the same painful mistakes and you’re losing hope that they will ever change. Please don’t give up.

When the fairytale fades into reality that is not the time to give up. Moving from one marriage to another might lead to temporary happiness, but only until the moment you discover what is imperfect in that relationship too. Is the problem you’re experiencing in your current relationship really worth ending the relationship? Please don’t give up.

Marriage takes work. Sometimes it’s messy and difficult. When is the last time you thought about your spouse’s point of view? What is on their mind? Are you blowing something out of proportion or being selfish? Are you treating your spouse kindly? What circumstances might be causing the conflict or failure? What have you done to help your spouse overcome the problem? Have you been to counseling? Are you praying for your spouse? Please don’t give up.

There was a day when you thought your spouse WAS worth suffering for. A time when you would have done anything in your power to be with them. What happened? Think about your dating days. Would whatever the problem is now have stopped you from being together then? As you think back on those happy times think about what was different then that made it so great and then do whatever you can to re-kindle whatever it was.

Do something – do ANYTHING! But please don’t give up. Marriage is worth fighting for.

Filed Under: Relationships

Three Life Values I Learned From Dad

June 19, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

It’s Father’s Day, so there is no better time for me to write about my dad. He’s quite a character I tell you. His sense of humor is pretty much one of a kind, and he makes a great subject of humor as well. But I’ll save some of that for later. Today I thought I’d share three of the life values I’m glad to have learned from my dad.

Work Ethic

My dad has always been a very hard worker. When I was young he was not only a pastor but he also worked on cars to help make ends meet, and he still works hard. He passed that work ethic on to me and my siblings. When we were kids we had to do chores – REAL chores (unlike kids now). To this day my siblings and I are all doing more than one thing to work whether we really need to for money or not. I believe it’s part of who we are.

Service to others

Obviously since my dad was formerly a pastor he is a person with a servants heart. He will do anything he can to help someone who needs a hand and not expect anything in return. Even though he quit pastoring churches long ago he still serves in ministry every week at his local church because he believes in serving people as Christ served. It has been difficult for me at times to embrace the servants heart that is engrained in me from my dad because of the negative things that happen to preachers’ families. No matter how much I’ve tried at times to AVOID serving others I seem to always find myself doing what dad would do – serving others in some way whether it’s in business or in ministry and whether it’s paid or volunteer.

Dedication

Dad set an example for us of dedication to:

God – I’ve never had to worry whether or not my dad is wavering in his faith.
Marriage – I’ve never had to worry whether or not dad was going to leave mom.
Family – Dad and mom set an example for our entire family to be very loyal to the family even when we don’t agree.
Church – I can tell you where dad is every Sunday morning.
Personal Responsibility – Though my dad is far from perfect I’m confident he does what he thinks is right and when he makes a mistake he does what he can to make it right.

What quality values can you attribute to the influence of your dad?

Happy Fathers Day!

Filed Under: Faith, Family, Relationships

OURS – Not Mine & Yours

June 17, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

A while back I wrote about a bad dream I had where a couple fought about their money in a failed attempt to manage THEIR money as individuals rather than together. You can refer back to that post here.

One common conflict we see regarding money in marriage is when one spouse is the bread-winner and the other is the domestic engineer. Typically in those scenarios the man is the one bringing home the money. That is the scenario for my wife Shawna and I. She does have a couple of things she does for part-time income but it’s not even close to being “even”. But we don’t really look at that. To us it all goes in the same pot and we agree on what gets funded – even when agreeing isn’t easy.

I’ve heard some people say they split the bills evenly. I’ve heard some people say they share according to who makes how much (if one makes 60k and the other 30k the bills are split 2/3 to the 60k earner and 1/3 to the 30k earner – socialistic approach). I’ve heard some people say they make all the money and the other spends it all. I’ve heard other people say they make all the money so the other isn’t allowed to spend any of it.

The way Shawna and I do it is all the money goes in the same pot and we agree on what gets funded. The closest we come to any of the other approaches listed above is sometimes I have a humorous attitude about what Shawna is funding with her part time income. When I’m happy I take pride in how much fun and enjoyment I’m able to fund for the family with the hard-earned income from my job. When I’m not happy I make sure the family knows how spoiled they are and tell Shawna she can fund the fun with her own money because I have to pay the bills with all mine. Sometimes it’s funny and sometimes it isn’t. It depends on what we’re “discussing” and whether or not we are taking it lightly…. ok, whether or not Shawna is taking it lightly.

At the end of the day it is all OURS, not mine and hers. For anyone who is married the same is true – the two become ONE, and that includes the wallet.

How do you manage the money and bills in your family?

Filed Under: Family, Money, Relationships

Inheriting Poverty

June 15, 2011 by Mark Asbell 2 Comments

Recently my friend Joe wrote about an interesting point of view regarding inheritance titled “Hey – You’re Robbing My Inheritance“. It’s a great point of view and I believe there are probably a lot of people who have thought or felt like their inheritance was being robbed from them by irresponsible siblings. I have another point of view to share.

The comments on Joe’s post were great and I have to say that I relate most to the fact that any inheritance would be blessing rather than something I need or feel entitled to, and I’m way more concerned about my parents well-being while they’re alive. What a holier-than-thou point of view – right? Wrong. I am human and I’m big enough to admit there is an element of selfishness in my point of view. I REALLY do care about my parents well-being and want them to have enough resources to take care of their needs as they age. But I ALSO really care about my own resources as I age, so I don’t want to be forced to use my hard earned resources to care for my parents if it can be avoided.

To connect the dots here’s how it all plays out over time:

Financially irresponsible kids never learn their lesson and continue to make disastrous mistakes that they can’t afford to fix.
Hard working, loving, and caring parents repeatedly help them out by dipping into their own hard-earned resources.
Parents eventually retire with little to no resources to provide for their needs.
Hard working, loving, and caring SIBLINGS OF THE IRRESPONSIBLE KIDS step in to care for the parents by dipping into their own hard-earned resources. (the irresponsible kids might WANT to help but they can’t because they never learned and they’re still living hand-to-mouth despite all the help their parents gave them)
The kids grow old and broke just like their parents did.
Process repeats itself over and over resulting in a growingly popular term called GENERATIONAL POVERTY.

This is a very real problem and it is not a problem that is going away as the average net worth of people planning to retire in the next 10 years is $25,000. The last time I checked that is not enough to pay for living expenses for very long. So forgive me for being selfish and not wanting my generation or my kids generation, or their kids generation to be BROKE. Just as there is a start to all cycles there is a way to stop all cycles. Each of us makes a difference in breaking the cycle or preventing the cycle from starting – generational poverty does not have to exist.

Maybe families should adopt an atmosphere of open accountability for good or bad financial decisions. I wonder if that is part of the reason for some of the most prosperous families success.

What are your thoughts?

Filed Under: Family, Money, Relationships

Everyone Is Going To Hurt You

June 11, 2011 by Mark Asbell Leave a Comment

The other day on facebook I read a very wise statement of truth about relationships. The statement was made by a college-age young lady who is apparently dating now and has had some moments of hurt in that process.

(I’m so glad to be married rather than single and dating, and I feel so old because it doesn’t seem that long ago that this young lady was the age my daughter Skyler is now. She will remain nameless here because I’m a dad and her dad is my friend).

Here’s what she said – “Everyone is going to hurt you. You just gotta find the one worth suffering for.” WOW – that is so true not only in dating/marriage but also in real friendships that are worth having. No one is perfect. We’re all going to make mistakes and hurt those around us eventually, even if it is in small ways. Finding those worth sticking with and suffering for is key.

If that statement wasn’t enough she also wrote another post worth quoting that says, “The greatest thing in life is finding someone who knows all your mistakes and differences and still finds you absolutely amazing.”

I’m so glad my wife suffers and fights for our marriage. I suffer and fight too but I’ve done more than my share of hurting in the relationship. The key to the statement “find the one worth suffering for” is that should be a two-way road. Anyone who is dating someone who doesn’t understand that should go ahead and move on like the young lady who made that statement. It seems she has a foundation of wise principles to build on, and it just so happens she has apparently found the one because she is recently engaged.

Filed Under: Relationships