Part 3: My Parent’s 40th Anniversary

For my parents 40th wedding anniversary I did a little interview and I’m sharing their wisdom.  If you missed it you can click here to read Part 1 or click here to read Part 2.

What have you done for fun through the years?

We’ve always been heavily involved in church activities (understatement of the century).  We didn’t really call it date night like y’all do now days, but when we were younger we would go out to eat and go to drag racing or rodeo or ball games or Gospel singing events – that was way back when the Gaithers were just a trio.  Now days for date night we tend to just go out to eat and take a drive and just enjoy being together.  (I will add that my parents take some pretty nice trips as rewards through my dad’s job as an insurance agent).  

What have been your hopes and dreams?

We’ve always wanted to do the best we could for you kids and we’ve always wanted to serve other people – living our lives to serve others rather than ourselves.  

Dad: When we were pastors we thought success was when I got to pastor without having a 2nd job to support the family.  

Mom:  As we got older we reached for dreams like having a bigger property with a garden and getting to travel.  We were only able to afford that stuff after dad started working in business world. 

Now you know how old my parents are – I mean anyone who knew when the Gaithers were just a trio…  If you don’t even know who the Gaithers are just look it up on Google – search images, that’s all you need to know.  My parents are very country too in case you couldn’t tell from the drag racing and rodeo.  That does remind me of our years in a small town called Forest Hill, LA where we went to the dirt track races every Friday night…

I’m glad to know my parents have fun together and have hopes and dreams.  It is ashamed that church people treat pastors in such a way that they leave the ministry all the time.  My parents still serve in their local church, just not as pastor.  Every time I think of my parents deciding to no longer pastor churches I think of how tough a decision that must have been for them because of their heart for ministry.  But at the same time I think of how thankful I am that they made such a tough decision because for all we know that is what kept them together and kept our family together.

My dad plants his garden every year and they get to travel to places Shawna and I hope to go to someday.  I’d say they’ve set a pretty good example for putting their marriage, hopes, and dreams in proper priority.

 

Part 2: My Parent’s 40th Anniversary

For my parents 40th wedding anniversary I did a little interview and I’m sharing their wisdom.  If you missed it you can click here to read Part 1.

How did you make it 40 years?  What advice do you have for us youngsters?

It’s important to always think back on what brought us together to start with and having a determination to never give up on that.  Commitment is taken too lightly now days.  People think oh well we can just get a divorce if this doesn’t work out.  Divorce was never an option for us.  Our parents were married 61 & 57 years so we had a good example of commitment.  Our faith strengthened our commitment.  It has taken a lot of work – seminars at church, better communication, understanding and appreciating each other.  

Did you ever get counseling?

No we never did but there were times we should have.  

I am so blessed to have such great examples of commitment in my parents and grandparents.  Both sets of my grandparents were together until death did them part.  I pray that for my marriage too.

It REALLY frustrates me to hear some of the reasons people get divorced.  I can’t claim to understand every situation but I can say I don’t agree with the outcome most of the time.  Recently I was beating my head against the wall trying to understand why people get divorced and how to help them stay together instead.  I know it sounds cliche but a pastor friend of mine reminded me that divorce is a result of Jesus not being the center and focus of relationships.  Simplifying it all – that is true.  But it doesn’t give me peace about it at all.

I’m committed to my marriage.  I fight for my marriage.  We have tough conversations.  We read books and go through curriculum in small groups or seminars.  We ask for advice or counseling when we need it.  And we’ll do all that stuff again and again because staying committed in marriage takes work.

The next post is about fun, hopes, and dreams.  Be sure to check back.

Part 1: My Parent’s 40th Anniversary

This year my parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary and I’ve been wanting to write about them for several months.  There is a lot we can all learn by talking to our parents and using the wisdom they’ve gained through years of experience, or the wisdom they haven’t gained 🙂  It’s important to have discernment of what advice to take or leave when talking to anyone.  My hope for everyone is you have someone like my parents to gain some encouraging wisdom from.

So I basically did a little interview with my parents, something I’ve never really done quite like this, to pick their brain a little at their 40 year mark.  In this series of posts I want to share some of the questions I asked and some of the takeaways and insight from the conversation.

What does it feel like to be married 40 years?

Mom:  It doesn’t really seem possible that it’s been that long.  It feels good just to have survived this long.  (She didn’t mean as in they haven’t killed each other, she meant it’s good to be alive at their age – which isn’t as old as they act sometimes 🙂 ).

Dad:  Well, dad was actually still asleep in his chair when I asked the first question (being an old fart) so mom answered for him by saying, “Best years of his life!”  (There’s a bit of the humor in this relationship coming out.)

Has it always been a fairytale?

(I asked this because so many young couples are shocked and confused when the ‘fairytale’ wears off)

Mom:  It was like any newlyweds – a dream come true.  But there weren’t any Disney princess movies back then.  We’ve always had reasons to stay grounded. We had to work hard. We never had anything given to us. Our first house was a very old owner financed single wide trailer.  100% financing through banks wasn’t very likely back then if it even existed and getting family to co-sign wasn’t an option for us.

Dad:  Back then not so many people lived together before getting married.  Times were different.  Gas was .19 per gallon and beef was .49 per pound.  

That’s a good point about living together and times were different but I’m not sure what that had to do with the question.  Oh, he just woke up!  Must have been having nightmares about current inflated pricing…

I love the comment my mom made about there not being any Disney princess movies back then.  Now days so many young couples are growing up with the crazy notion that they’re going to be swept off their feet and live happily ever after.  Then when reality hits and their spouse shows imperfection they’re shocked and don’t know what to do.  Why do we spend so much time dreaming the impossible and never spending time considering a more likely reality?

Stay tuned for more from my parents…

Take Initiative

Here are just some quick thoughts I’ve had recently about taking the initiative to have meaningful relationships – marriage, parenting, sibling, friendships, even professional, etc.

If everyone waits for the another person to initiate nothing will ever happen.

If you’re never willing to initiate no one will ever feel compelled to reciprocate.

If you’re never willing to reciprocate everyone will learn to not initiate with you.

It’s not about keeping score or being fair or equal. It’s about sharing life, good and bad, having love and companionship that goes both ways.

Who should you initiate communication with today?

A Thought About the Washington Monument This July 4th

For whatever reason the Washington Monument is coming to my mind this July 4th.  I thought of what monuments like that remind me of – our independence and the brave generations who fought to earn it and keep it throughout history.  Then I thought of the fact that construction was halted on the Washington Monument for years when there was a lack of funds as well as during the civil war.

It makes me wonder what the generation who built the Washington Monument would do now regarding the Freedom Tower.  Would they put that project on hold until funding was available?  Would they put it on hold until the war is over?  I know the Freedom Tower is important and all, and I can’t wait to see it one day, but something tells me there is an order of priority we should go by and while our national debt continues to nose-dive into the red we should step back and consider what priorities need to get pushed out so that more important ones can get finished and so that the debt-hole can stop getting deeper.

I sound like Debbie-Downer on such a positive holiday.  It is a blessing to be an American and I’m very thankful.  I will be celebrating just like everyone else.  But it doesn’t hurt to think back on the reasons for our holidays and the people from back then and the lessons we can learn from the principles they lived by.  Happy Independence Day to all.

 

Utilizing Relationships

I believe it is true that it matters who you associate with and know and how you leverage those relationships to advance through life and enjoy living.  Of course it is also true that you get out of a relationship what you put in, and that can be particularly painful to learn the hard way when it comes to friendships that add value to living.  Relationships truly are a resource in many ways.

When we need a hand with something it is good to know someone who can help, and be that helping hand for someone else when they need it too.  When we need a job it helps to have relationships with people who can at least point us in the direction we need to go.  When we need a friend to talk to about tough decisions it is a good idea to have that relationship with someone.

Relationships are important when it comes to family, friendships, customers, bosses, colleagues… ALL of them are important, and they are a resource that contributes to our prosperity either tangibly or emotionally.  It’s important to remember to be for other people what you hope other people will be for you – there when they need you.  A great quote by Zig Ziglar to live by is “You can get whatever you want in life by helping other people get what they want in life”.

What are we doing to build and nurture relationships that add value to our lives?

 

Utilizing Education & Talents

This one really hits home for me when I think about my path so far.  I went all the way through college and now have a job that I probably could have learned without any college.  I agree the education probably sharpens my ability to solve problems and work smarter, but I often question why I’m not doing something that utilizes my education and talents more.  Maybe I’m over-thinking it.

Instead of focusing too much on what I might have done wrong along the way I try to focus on continuing to educate myself in new ways and find or develop new talents.  To make myself good at the things in my work I try to read industry publications and self-help materials that help me improve not only in my work but as a person.  That is part of the reason for this blog.  I’ve found that my education has given me a decent ability to write so why not use that to share thoughts and ideas and improve that ability…

I’ve also learned that the simple fact of knowing how to read, write, and do arithmetic gives me the ability to learn pretty much anything else that I want.  With the internet and libraries full of books there is an endless opportunity for educating ourselves and learning how to develop our talents.

The point is we are all educated in something or in some way (if not then we should use some time to become educated).  What are we doing to put our education and talents to good use and/or learn new things to build on the education we already have?  Our education and talents are a resource we should be using to prosper.

 

Utilizing Time

Time is probably one of the most widely mis-used resources for all of us.  It is the only resource we all have an equal amount of.  It has been said that time is the great equalizer for all of mankind.  It can be argued that the most successful people in every area of life ae the ones who figure out how to use time most effectively.

Let’s all admit the more entertainment and social interaction becomes available the more distracted we get with how we’re using our time.  Misusing my time is something I find myself failing on too often.

It is easy for me to think that I should be working more.  But that isn’t what I mean necessarily.  I have to question whether or not I’m spending enough time with my wife or my family and investing time in the relationships that are important to me.  There is a healthy balance that has to be found when it comes to how we use our time.

When it comes to work I have to question whether or not I am spending my time doing the most important tasks and projects for where I’m headed with my job.  Work time needs to be spent doing WORK.  It is easy to get distracted by conversations or activities that don’t help productivity and should be reserved for non-work time.

I’ve learned that investing time in my health is easy to neglect if I don’t make a disciplined effort to go to the gym.  The best time of day to do that is in the morning before the rest of my family is awake.  Otherwise I might have to neglect either work or family time in order to squeeze in some exercise time.

Investing time with family and friends is important too, so I try to make it a habit to spend evenings and weekends with the family as much as possible and incorporate time with friends in there as well.  One thing I try to focus on is what we do with the time I spend with family and friends.  I often examine what activities are we doing and what are we talking about to add value to relationships and find that I need to do a better job.

The story of the tortoise and the hare is true – slow and steady wins the race.  The challenge is we’re all running more than one race.  There is work to do and there is life to live outside of work.  There are numerous goals to strive for in work and life and prioritizing them can be tricky.  Sometimes we want to be get to particular goals faster, but slow and steady toward all the goals is often times a better way to proceed.  Prospering isn’t all about money – a lot of prospering is how we live the life we have with the time we have here on earth.

 

Understanding WHY?

The question “why?” is asked at our house a lot because we have three small children.  But I’ve noticed we don’t ask “why” enough as adults.  Sometimes we just want to shake the kids and say “BECAUSE I SAID SO!”.  We’ve told them WHAT to do and don’t want them to focus on understanding WHY.  By the time we’re adults we’re conditioned to not ask why but inside we’re still wondering and we’d really like answers.  Sometimes a healthy respect for authority is a good lesson to teach, but what I’m talking about is when a healthy understanding of WHY would improve the chances of the WHAT happening.  

As leaders of people (bosses, teachers, etc) we might tend to give direction without providing full understanding of “why”.  It is just easier to tell someone to do something and not explain to them why it is important or what a difference it will make.  The boss gets frustrated because they feel like they’re constantly having to remind people to do something.  Sometimes the problem might be the boss doesn’t have a good reason or explanation for what they’re telling people to do.  But that’s another discussion.  
When I’m teaching personal finance principles I’ll talk about reducing debt or saving and I tend to give people a list of actions they can take or a process they should follow, but I don’t do a great job diving in to the “why” for doing the things I suggest.  Three months later when they haven’t made any progress I scratch my head wondering……”why”.  
People know WHAT they’re supposed to do, but they might lack understanding the motivating WHY they should do it.  We need to stress the WHY as much as the WHAT more often than we do.  A person might be more willing to do a “pointless” daily report if they understand the report is actually one that could validate the need for their job or get them a raise.  (The motivation needs to be positive by the way).  A person might be more willing to become disciplined with their personal finances if they know and understand the goals and dreams they have for their life that will be positively affected by financial discipline.  Knowing the WHY helps us endure the WHAT.  
Do you have any examples of when you should be giving a better WHY explanation or a question of WHY you’d like a leader/boss to answer for you about a particular thing?  Get an understanding of why and remind yourself of it often so that you are willing to do the what diligently. 

Under Suspicion – Movie Quotes

Recently I watched the movie Under Suspicion.  I’ve always enjoyed watching movies, but it seems the more life experience I get the more I pick up on things I hear in movies that are good truths or realities in life.  Here are some quotes I thought were very interesting and true in the movie.

  • “We tolerate when a celebrity or star athlete achieves great success and wealth, but when it is one of our own we feel like some injustice has occurred.”
  • “Jealousy is all the fun you think somebody else is having.”
Aren’t those so true?  We’re ok with people we don’t know being successful, but when someone we know and feel “equal” to becomes successful we get jealous.  It is our selfish nature, the same selfish nature that causes us to “keep up with the Jones”.  
If you are one that has risen to a place of leadership or success you might have been the target of some of the jealousy.  I could write an entire series on humility and I hope you have it, but chances are if you’ve succeeded at anything then there is someone who silently or blatantly wishes you hadn’t and would like to hold you back.  For most people it is as simple as a naysayer who seems to always doubt your ability to accomplish something.  They might not even mean to do it, but they do.  Watch out for these people because subtle or not they can crush your dreams.